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It's been awfully quiet around here for the last while, but you see the reason for that is because the Bear and I went and bought a HOUSE! With walls! And a stairs! And doors and everything and it's all OURS!\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-VKx1mECn_jM\/Vp0U3RUJXOI\/AAAAAAAAFH0\/adhMLq8ePTY\/s1600\/CXkph9cWEAAfcJy.jpg_large.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-VKx1mECn_jM\/Vp0U3RUJXOI\/AAAAAAAAFH0\/adhMLq8ePTY\/s1600\/CXkph9cWEAAfcJy.jpg_large.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt's been a legit rollercoaster of emotion since we decided to look for a place to buy last March, complete with falling in love with places that we got immediately outbid on, swearing revenge on useless estate agents, despairing over banks acting like it's a total disaster that my job is contract-based rather than permanent and briefly overreacting to rejection for life cover from two insurance companies in one day (i.e. welling up at my desk and wailing \"they think I'm going to DIE!\" before pulling myself together).\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThen there was the STRESS of the run-up to getting the keys, where two days before the appointed Key Day we were informed that the bank had issues with our application even though they'd already given us approval and basically dicked us around for a week and a half filled with intensely stomach-churning anxiety, checking my inbox for updates that never arrived when they said they would, and three days of waiting for someone in their head office to email a fucking form. It was the sort of antsy stress that led to Wednesday pints in an attempt to blow off some steam, which resulted in a hangover the next morning where my lack of co-ordination had me drop the last tablet in my pack of Ovranette so I ended up on my knees in the kitchen, Googling \"missed last pill in pack\" while holding a fork covered in cobwebs from unsuccessfully trying to fish it out from the gap between the floorboards and the wall behind a large wine rack. I've had better weeks.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ctable align=\"center\" cellpadding=\"0\" cellspacing=\"0\" class=\"tr-caption-container\" style=\"margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ctbody\u003E\u003Ctr\u003E\u003Ctd style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-KDzajPJvTcg\/Vp0VVSAGcOI\/AAAAAAAAFH8\/62l1G1nbtX4\/s1600\/11707505_10152845265712434_7861414506694997215_n.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 300px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/td\u003E\u003C\/tr\u003E\u003Ctr\u003E\u003Ctd class=\"tr-caption\" style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003ESlagging off estate agents in \u003Ci\u003EStellar\u003C\/i\u003E magazine.\u003C\/td\u003E\u003C\/tr\u003E\u003C\/tbody\u003E\u003C\/table\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-KDzajPJvTcg\/Vp0VVSAGcOI\/AAAAAAAAFH8\/62l1G1nbtX4\/s1600\/11707505_10152845265712434_7861414506694997215_n.jpg\"\u003E \u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIn any case, we got there eventually and it all worked out and now our evening and weekends and any free time in general has either been spent carrying boxes around in a house-wide game of moving Tetris, patching up and painting damp bits on walls, wandering around B\u0026amp;Q without a fucking notion of where anything is and having four hours slide by in Ikea in the blink of a Swedish meatball. We've had a week and a half of no heating because the ancient boiler had long given up on life, where we kept warm by lighting the fire in the sitting room and carrying an electric heater around from room to room as needed. You could see your breath in the hallway, bathroom and kitchen, but as I've been told, it's all part of the \"moving into your first place experience\", which is nice and all and works as a charming anecdote in that vein, but mostly I fucking hate being cold so YAY NEW BOILER. Then the shower broke, so there was a week of dropping over to the Bear's sister's house for showers in her lovely bathroom that had a Max Benjamin candle burning in it and Kerastase shampoo for me to be delighted by. (I'm so unfamiliar with Kerastase that it took me three attempts to spell it and I had to look it up in the end.)\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAlso, conversations with me have become incredibly boring, as now when I'm asked if I got up to anything for the weekend, the reply is something along the lines of me being overly excited that our washing machine and dishwasher have finally been plumbed in. I found myself watching The Walking Dead a few weeks ago and admiring kitchen cabinets in the background of a gory stabbing frenzy. I joined Pinterest and have a board filled with bookcases and subway tiles. I swear, I'm \u0026gt;this close\u0026lt; to tweeting a photo of our new Ikea doormat.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESo, what I'm saying is that life has become a never ending string of house-stuff that's really exciting for us, but probably not huge fun to listen to and I PROMISE I'll have a Sweet Valley post up soon. After all, Regina Morrow isn't going to kidnap herself, now is she?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-size: small;\"\u003E\u003Ci\u003E*Kinda. And it turns out they were pretty fucking sweet. \u003C\/i\u003E\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ciframe allowtransparency=\"true\" frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" src=\"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/plugins\/like.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fredlemonade.blogspot.com%2F2016%2F01%2Fi-know-what-tracker-mortgage-is.html\" style=\"height: 25px; width: 100%;\"\u003E\u003C\/iframe\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/feeds\/5314238059947066758\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/2016\/01\/i-know-what-tracker-mortgage-is.html#comment-form","title":"14 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7970712784003281497\/posts\/default\/5314238059947066758"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7970712784003281497\/posts\/default\/5314238059947066758"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/2016\/01\/i-know-what-tracker-mortgage-is.html","title":"I Know What A Tracker Mortgage Is*"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Kitty Catastrophe"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/08783550352881766193"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"32","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-y1G0SXlwykI\/U-DwTouCmwI\/AAAAAAAAEN4\/M3NH_VZo0T4\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-VKx1mECn_jM\/Vp0U3RUJXOI\/AAAAAAAAFH0\/adhMLq8ePTY\/s72-c\/CXkph9cWEAAfcJy.jpg_large.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"14"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970712784003281497.post-6674171116002014027"},"published":{"$t":"2015-08-11T13:12:00.000+01:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2015-08-11T13:13:08.704+01:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Deadly stuff"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Films"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Weird"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Hawaii Five-No"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"\u003Ci\u003EThis post originally appeared on \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/ramp.ie\/\"\u003ERamp.ie\u003C\/a\u003E a few years ago, but we recently rewatched Hard Ticket To Hawaii and it was exactly as much stupid fun as I remember, so I decided to dust off this post and stick it up here. The whole film is \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=pfyCQbX5dOk\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Eon YouTube\u003C\/a\u003E, but make sure to skip past the intensely creepy introduction from director Andy Sidaris, because there's just no need for it and I wish he'd take his hand off that bikini lady's knee.\u003C\/i\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-2rkMCk9qVkg\/Vcniyvi7hVI\/AAAAAAAAE5Q\/m9kWAzYgi3o\/s1600\/poster.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-2rkMCk9qVkg\/Vcniyvi7hVI\/AAAAAAAAE5Q\/m9kWAzYgi3o\/s1600\/poster.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 500px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt’s so hard to decide where to begin with Hard Ticket To Hawaii. The frisbee death scene? The skateboarding assassin? The snake infected by deadly toxins from cancer-infested rats? (No, really. That description of the snake is actually a direct quote from the film.)\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-RgJGpJ2Jyf4\/VcnjXS8y7lI\/AAAAAAAAE5Y\/Y_Uwf7IKdzY\/s1600\/HTTH-03-Credits.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-RgJGpJ2Jyf4\/VcnjXS8y7lI\/AAAAAAAAE5Y\/Y_Uwf7IKdzY\/s1600\/HTTH-03-Credits.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 280px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe credits kick things off in gleefully awful fashion, showing a bunch  of moustachioed dudes moving crates around a warehouse, with the cast’s  names printed out on brown paper and glued to the side of them. It’s  kind of amazing. Next thing you know, an incompetent forklift driver has knocked the ominous “CONTAMINATED” sign off one crate in particular,  which as it turns out, contains a GIANT MUTANT CANCER SNAKE.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-RkRJG3MT564\/VcnjlOVkHGI\/AAAAAAAAE5g\/Subc0xY8YIQ\/s1600\/toad_1045_hope_marie_carlton-hard_ticket_to_hawaii-01.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-RkRJG3MT564\/VcnjlOVkHGI\/AAAAAAAAE5g\/Subc0xY8YIQ\/s1600\/toad_1045_hope_marie_carlton-hard_ticket_to_hawaii-01.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 280px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe actual plot centres around two Government agents (although we  don’t find out what actual agency they work for, it’s just referred to  as ‘The Agency’) called Donna and Taryn, who are undercover as  island-hopping pilots for a Hawaiian cargo company. I have to admit, I  only got all that after reading up on it after actually seeing the film.  While I was watching it, there was a fair amount of ‘Wait, are they  cops or something? No, they’re pilots. Oh, hang on, what’s this agency  they keep mentioning? WHO ARE THESE WOMEN AND WHY DO THEY KEEP TAKING  THEIR CLOTHES OFF?’ Both actresses were 1980s Playmates, which might  explain the second part of that last question, actually. The film  doesn’t waste time explaining things like character background, instead  it distracts you from niggly details like that with BOOBS. In one  particular instance, by showing Taryn taking off her bikini top in order  to take an outdoor shower under a tree, while talking to Donna. As one  does.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnyway, Donna and Taryn have to transport a newlywed couple and a  regular, non-cancery snake to another island, so off they go, only UH OH  THEY’VE GOT THE WRONG SNAKE! Once they’ve landed on the island and  dropped off the tourist couple, they see a toy helicopter containing two  small packages landing near the beach. But then two henchmen that the  delivery was actually meant for suddenly appear so the girls have to  fight them off. Luckily they came equipped with nunchucks and ninja  stars hidden their tiny, sideboob-exposing uniforms so they make their  escape with one of the packages. Once home, both Donna and Taryn strip  off and get into the hot tub to have a think. They open the package to  discover it contains diamonds, Donna decides to call Rowdy, a fellow  agent, and they both climb back out of the hot tub. That is literally  the whole scene. They get naked, sit in the hot tub, open the bag and  get back out.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-B1wGU_fpsDo\/Vcnj4vrCgUI\/AAAAAAAAE5o\/9KtRAWDoGPw\/s1600\/malibu-express.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-B1wGU_fpsDo\/Vcnj4vrCgUI\/AAAAAAAAE5o\/9KtRAWDoGPw\/s1600\/malibu-express.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 280px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAlso, I’d like to point out that there’s a scene where Taryn is  showing Donna her new movie posters. She loves James Bond and spy  movies, and there on the wall of their house, is a framed poster for  Malibu Express, which she makes a particular point of. This film is the  sequel to Malibu Express. Rowdy is meant to be the cousin of the  main character IN Malibu Express. It’s so meta that if you think about  it too much, your brain may be in danger of melting out of your ears.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAfter some more fights between henchmen and the girls (in which their  clothes come off a bit), the snake escaping from its crate (which ended  up in their garage for some reason I can’t remember) and some random  scenes that are completely irrelevant to the plot, we eventually meet  Rowdy and Jade, the two manly agents who are going to save the day. But  as they’re on the way to meet Donna and Taryn, they are passed on the  road by a man doing a handstand on a skateboard. They surmise that he’s  been ‘\u003Ci\u003Esmoking some heavy doobies’\u003C\/i\u003E\u0026nbsp;and carry on as before. BUT  then he comes after them, only this time he’s carrying a rifle and A  BLOW UP SEX DOLL. FOR NO REASON.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-0-xWX8alxEw\/VcnkF-3H-7I\/AAAAAAAAE5w\/8PvlDeS3awk\/s1600\/skateboard.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-0-xWX8alxEw\/VcnkF-3H-7I\/AAAAAAAAE5w\/8PvlDeS3awk\/s1600\/skateboard.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 280px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHe shoots the tyre of the jeep that the agents are driving, which  inexplicably results in Jade getting a bullet in the chest. They then  drive into the assassin, somehow sending him flying into the air AND  BLOW HIM UP WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER. For realz! It’s incredible! And just  when you thought it couldn’t get any more ridiculous, THEY EXPLODE THE  SEX DOLL TOO! We actually had to rewind this scene to watch it again,  just to make sure we weren’t tripping our collective balls off the first  time around.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EOther things of note include a restaurant called Edy’s that the  characters frequent, which has a maître d’ whose sole purpose seems to  be sleazing all over anyone with tits. Not to mention dialogue like ‘\u003Ci\u003Eif brains were birdshit your cages would be empty’\u0026nbsp;\u003C\/i\u003Eand ‘\u003Ci\u003Eone man’s dream is another man’s lunch’\u003C\/i\u003E\u0026nbsp;and a villain called Mr. Chang, despite the fact that he’s a white dude who looks like a low-rent Malcolm McDowell.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-o6qrcdzefug\/VcnkRvwgzhI\/AAAAAAAAE54\/sfVCHM3zXWg\/s1600\/handycam.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-o6qrcdzefug\/VcnkRvwgzhI\/AAAAAAAAE54\/sfVCHM3zXWg\/s1600\/handycam.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 280px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnyway, things start to come to a head as the agents plan to take down  the criminal boss who’s involved in the whole diamonds and drugs thing.  There’s a great bit where Taryn and Donna are gathering information on  the boss’s compound with a bright yellow video camera. I love it because  it reminded me of that trend in the 80s and 90s where gadget companies  used to bring out a yellow and supposedly waterproof version of an  existing product and called it the ‘Sports’ model. Anyway, all of this  leads up to the one scene that convinced me that I absolutely HAD to see  this film, in which Rowdy disposes of one of the compound’s henchmen.  Who is called Shades, by the way. It’s the frisbee death scene, kids.  Are you ready for this?\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ciframe allowfullscreen=\"\" frameborder=\"0\" height=\"300\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/Uin6b2iGy9E\" width=\"400\"\u003E\u003C\/iframe\u003E \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThere are around three big finales to this film, involving someone  stabbing a door down instead of just kicking it in and the snake making a  spectacular return to the storyline, which I won’t spoil because you  just have to see it for yourself. The snake is brilliant for many  reasons, one of which being that it’s quite obviously someone’s arm  encased in a slimy, elaborate sock puppet.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHard Ticket To Hawaii is completely ridiculous. The women take their  clothes off at the drop of a hat, there are scenes showing a henchwoman  all oiled up and posing with nunchucks for about four minutes for  absolutely no reason, the supposed heroes do racist Japanese accent  impressions, the dialogue is hilariously bad and outrageously sexist, the  sets are wobbly and the plot is unnecessarily convoluted. But in spite  of all these completely dumb things, it is  also a huge amount of fun. If you enjoy terrible films, then you really,  REALLY have to watch this one.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd if you’re still not convinced, then just check out the badass trailer:\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ciframe allowfullscreen=\"\" frameborder=\"0\" height=\"300\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/PCM6HCTJeRU\" width=\"400\"\u003E\u003C\/iframe\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ciframe allowtransparency=\"true\" frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" src=\"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/plugins\/like.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fredlemonade.blogspot.com%2F2015%2F08%2Fhawaii-five-no.html\" style=\"height: 25px; width: 100%;\"\u003E\u003C\/iframe\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/feeds\/6674171116002014027\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/2015\/08\/hawaii-five-no.html#comment-form","title":"2 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7970712784003281497\/posts\/default\/6674171116002014027"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7970712784003281497\/posts\/default\/6674171116002014027"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/2015\/08\/hawaii-five-no.html","title":"Hawaii Five-No"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Kitty Catastrophe"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/08783550352881766193"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"32","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-y1G0SXlwykI\/U-DwTouCmwI\/AAAAAAAAEN4\/M3NH_VZo0T4\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-2rkMCk9qVkg\/Vcniyvi7hVI\/AAAAAAAAE5Q\/m9kWAzYgi3o\/s72-c\/poster.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"2"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970712784003281497.post-2614575249272419586"},"published":{"$t":"2015-08-04T14:01:00.002+01:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2015-08-04T14:03:44.199+01:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Deadly stuff"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Sweet Valley High"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Sweet Valley Guy"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"Over on my \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/redlemonadeblog\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EFacebook page\u003C\/a\u003E recently, a reader (hi Chrissy!) posted a link to the website of James L. Mathewuse, the artist who created the gorgeous book covers for Sweet Valley High. I know I rip the piss out of the cover art in my recap posts, but it's done with affection, as I genuinely love these pictures. I'd frame every goddamn one of them if I could. Mathewuse created over 250 paintings for the Sweet Valley series, each one a pastel-coloured vignette of 80s teen hotness, emotion and questionable pants. His are the classic covers, and when the series started using photos of blonde models, or the Daniel twins from the TV show, they lost some of that original charm. His website is \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.jimmyart.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Ehere\u003C\/a\u003E, fyi, and it's a testament to his work that I can actually forgive the liberal use of Comic Sans all over it. Because he's the man responsible for doozies like this!\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ctable align=\"center\" cellpadding=\"0\" cellspacing=\"0\" class=\"tr-caption-container\" style=\"margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ctbody\u003E\u003Ctr\u003E\u003Ctd style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-pACve4XCFNM\/VbuHlQ8nneI\/AAAAAAAAEwU\/kEiIr-FNFRw\/s1600\/SweetValley.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/td\u003E\u003C\/tr\u003E\u003Ctr\u003E\u003Ctd class=\"tr-caption\" style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003Evia \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/jimmyart.com\/\"\u003Ejimmyart.com\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/td\u003E\u003Ctd class=\"tr-caption\" style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003C\/td\u003E\u003C\/tr\u003E\u003C\/tbody\u003E\u003C\/table\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-pACve4XCFNM\/VbuHlQ8nneI\/AAAAAAAAEwU\/kEiIr-FNFRw\/s1600\/SweetValley.jpg\"\u003E \u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAlso, there's this excellent photo of him at work, which I absolutely adore. GIANT WAKEFIELDS!\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ctable align=\"center\" cellpadding=\"0\" cellspacing=\"0\" class=\"tr-caption-container\" style=\"margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Ctbody\u003E\u003Ctr\u003E\u003Ctd style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-t7-kWDyzZyk\/VbuJBPOYYQI\/AAAAAAAAEwg\/zdhE4lz8yDQ\/s1600\/PaintingSweetValleyHigh.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 394px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 248px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/td\u003E\u003C\/tr\u003E\u003Ctr\u003E\u003Ctd class=\"tr-caption\" style=\"text-align: center;\"\u003EAlso via \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/jimmyart.com\/\"\u003Ejimmyart.com\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/td\u003E\u003C\/tr\u003E\u003C\/tbody\u003E\u003C\/table\u003EAnyway, while I was trying to find a bigger version of that great photo, something even better happened. I ended up on 80s book blog \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/cliqueypizza.wordpress.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003ECliqueyPizza\u003C\/a\u003E, and more specifically, on their post titled \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/cliqueypizza.wordpress.com\/2009\/03\/19\/ive-found-the-real-wakefield-twins-part-2\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003E\"I'VE FOUND THE REAL JESSICA AND ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD!\"\u003C\/a\u003E They had a tip-off from a commenter that an actress called Jonna Leigh Stack was the model for the pictures of the Wakefield twins and she was in some old soap series called \u003Ci\u003ESanta Barbara\u003C\/i\u003E. There was a video clip of an episode showing her in action as her character Summer Blake, however the video clip in the post was no longer working. Boo. So I did a quick search for the actress in question...\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E...AND HOLY SWEET FUCKING LAVALIERE VALLEY LOOK AT HER. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-Vis1_Q3XDo8\/VbzXt9cr8ZI\/AAAAAAAAEw0\/ohuaR4zKyoE\/s1600\/968full-jonna-leigh-stack.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-Vis1_Q3XDo8\/VbzXt9cr8ZI\/AAAAAAAAEw0\/ohuaR4zKyoE\/s1600\/968full-jonna-leigh-stack.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 500px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cb\u003EOH \u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-Nua2ZD37Lgg\/VbzX_TerLpI\/AAAAAAAAEw8\/97rdzSWAR6s\/s1600\/Summer8.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-Nua2ZD37Lgg\/VbzX_TerLpI\/AAAAAAAAEw8\/97rdzSWAR6s\/s1600\/Summer8.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 460px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cb\u003EMY\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-bBQtnfsJQe0\/VbzZMydxO1I\/AAAAAAAAExI\/D3qcdv2J408\/s1600\/Summer9.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-bBQtnfsJQe0\/VbzZMydxO1I\/AAAAAAAAExI\/D3qcdv2J408\/s1600\/Summer9.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 550px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cb\u003EGODDD\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-s4HpAns5Deo\/VbzbQTth2pI\/AAAAAAAAExU\/Y1lJ1ok2Qvo\/s1600\/Summer7.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-s4HpAns5Deo\/VbzbQTth2pI\/AAAAAAAAExU\/Y1lJ1ok2Qvo\/s1600\/Summer7.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 480px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI actually can't get over her face. She's Elizabeth! She's Jessica! She's blowing my fucking mind!\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-r7t0eOTNbSM\/VbzhPnAffjI\/AAAAAAAAExk\/RtxPkSlVpRc\/s1600\/jonna.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-r7t0eOTNbSM\/VbzhPnAffjI\/AAAAAAAAExk\/RtxPkSlVpRc\/s1600\/jonna.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 155px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EI couldn't find any quotes or interviews with her that actually  confirmed that she was the model for the cover art, but there really  isn't any denying that face, to be fair. Jonna's iMDB page is pretty sparse, the only credits on it are for her Santa Barbara episodes (in a most un-Wakefield turn of events, she was eventually killed off) and something called Paradise Motel. She ended up going to law school and nowadays she lives in Florida, providing legal services and mediation, dabbles in photography and runs an anti-aging and skincare company. (\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.ie\/2012\/01\/sweet-valley-high-revisited-out-of.html\" target=\"_blank\"\u003ETOFU-GLO!\u003C\/a\u003E)\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EHere's a working clip from Santa Barbara, so skip to 2.20, 6.20 and 10.50 to see a real life, three dimensional Wakefield twin, walking around and talking and generally being the face of my childhood reading obsession. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ciframe allowfullscreen=\"\" frameborder=\"0\" height=\"300\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/SM8RzhZ-eZs\" width=\"400\"\u003E\u003C\/iframe\u003E \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAlso, here are two more recent photos of lovely Jonna and her lovely face, essentially showing us what Elizabeth and Jessica would look like now. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-O9XjmSa3xMo\/VbznTYD4AJI\/AAAAAAAAEx0\/9TL7olcM0Bo\/s1600\/jonna-now.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-O9XjmSa3xMo\/VbznTYD4AJI\/AAAAAAAAEx0\/9TL7olcM0Bo\/s1600\/jonna-now.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 264px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EStill cute. Good job, ladies. I mean, lady.  \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ciframe allowtransparency=\"true\" frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" src=\"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/plugins\/like.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fredlemonade.blogspot.com%2F2015%2F08%2Fsweet-valley-guy.html\" style=\"height: 25px; width: 100%;\"\u003E\u003C\/iframe\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/feeds\/2614575249272419586\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/2015\/08\/sweet-valley-guy.html#comment-form","title":"6 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7970712784003281497\/posts\/default\/2614575249272419586"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7970712784003281497\/posts\/default\/2614575249272419586"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/2015\/08\/sweet-valley-guy.html","title":"Sweet Valley Guy"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Kitty Catastrophe"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/08783550352881766193"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"32","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-y1G0SXlwykI\/U-DwTouCmwI\/AAAAAAAAEN4\/M3NH_VZo0T4\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-pACve4XCFNM\/VbuHlQ8nneI\/AAAAAAAAEwU\/kEiIr-FNFRw\/s72-c\/SweetValley.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"6"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970712784003281497.post-4466389971316567418"},"published":{"$t":"2014-09-10T10:29:00.000+01:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2014-09-10T10:36:39.183+01:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Comedy"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Deadly stuff"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Films"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Queen of Hearts"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"Drag superstar, self-proclaimed court jester \u003Ci\u003E\"whose duty is to say the un-sayable\"\u003C\/i\u003E and national fucking treasure Panti Bliss is the subject of the perfectly-titled documentary in progress, The Queen of Ireland. The filmmakers have been following the fabulous Panti for the last few years and will continue up to next year's referendum on equal marriage. It's ALSO going to chart the behind the scenes goings-on of Panti's life, which will include this year's Pantigate, when she called out the Iona Institute for being the jerkbags they are and recorded the amazing \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=WXayhUzWnl0\" target=\"_blank\"\u003ENoble Call speech\u003C\/a\u003E in the Abbey Theatre.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-gNQpMMKK-O4\/VA9pV1Pm91I\/AAAAAAAAEU4\/kjRDpd0s67k\/s1600\/panti.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" src=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-gNQpMMKK-O4\/VA9pV1Pm91I\/AAAAAAAAEU4\/kjRDpd0s67k\/s1600\/panti.jpg\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" style=\"display: block; height: 290px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EIt all sounds super exciting and I just want to watch it now. However, the post-production and equipment and licensing and all that type of stuff needs dolla dolla bills y'all and as such the team have got an \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/www.indiegogo.com\/projects\/the-queen-of-ireland--2\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EIndieGoGo page\u003C\/a\u003E where people can donate to help with the funding. The rewards include fun stuff like a thank you in the credits, t-shirts, badges and a download of the finished film.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ciframe allowfullscreen=\"\" frameborder=\"0\" height=\"230\" src=\"\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/mrAg9t5ihtU?list=UUxd-R2NmV_Lc4Vr7P4HNqWw\" width=\"400\"\u003E\u003C\/iframe\u003E \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThere's seven days left to go for the funding deadline, so if you've been meaning to get involved and throw a few quid towards this glittery sparklebomb, well now's the time! It's going to be like a really fun, shiny and equality-driven episode of Reeling In The Years, without the IRA bombings and U2 songs. I can't wait to see how it turns out.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnd even if you weren't aware of this project, then how could you not want to help a documentary about someone who \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/www.pantibar.com\/blog.aspx?contentid=1654\" target=\"_blank\"\u003Ewent on the Maury Povich show for a \"back to boy makeover\", pretending to be Katherine Lynch's brother\u003C\/a\u003E and slipping cigarettes and pep talks to teenage tearaway show guests between filming? AND had David Quinn and John Waters (the shite John Waters) clutching their pearls and crying into their lawyer's wigs? I mean, really.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EYou can donate \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/www.indiegogo.com\/projects\/the-queen-of-ireland--2\/\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EHERE\u003C\/a\u003E and you SHOULD because it's going to be deadly.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe Queen of Ireland is also on \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/QOIpanti?fref=ts\" target=\"_blank\"\u003EFacebook\u003C\/a\u003E and \u003Ca href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/QOI_Panti\" target=\"_blank\"\u003ETwitter\u003C\/a\u003E. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ciframe allowtransparency=\"true\" frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" src=\"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/plugins\/like.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fredlemonade.blogspot.com%2F2014%2F09%2Fqueen-of-hearts.html\" style=\"height: 25px; width: 100%;\"\u003E\u003C\/iframe\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/feeds\/4466389971316567418\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/2014\/09\/queen-of-hearts.html#comment-form","title":"0 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7970712784003281497\/posts\/default\/4466389971316567418"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7970712784003281497\/posts\/default\/4466389971316567418"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/2014\/09\/queen-of-hearts.html","title":"Queen of Hearts"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Kitty Catastrophe"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/08783550352881766193"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"32","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-y1G0SXlwykI\/U-DwTouCmwI\/AAAAAAAAEN4\/M3NH_VZo0T4\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-gNQpMMKK-O4\/VA9pV1Pm91I\/AAAAAAAAEU4\/kjRDpd0s67k\/s72-c\/panti.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"0"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970712784003281497.post-4854620697100499241"},"published":{"$t":"2014-06-04T15:59:00.000+01:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2014-06-04T16:53:31.588+01:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Comedy"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Deadly stuff"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Jessica Fletcher"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Nerd"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Good Queen Jess"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"Warning: Contains lots of excitable caps lock action.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ELast weekend, I skittered off to London to see Blithe Spirit on the West End. It's a very funny Noel Coward play, which happened to be starring a lady you \u003Ci\u003Emay\u003C\/i\u003E have heard of before and who I \u003Ci\u003Emay\u003C\/i\u003E have mentioned every so often in adoring tweets and whatnot, i.e. ANGELA AMAZO LANSBURY. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ELuckily, my supercool friend Brenda lives in London and is a fellow Jessica Fletcher fan, so it stood to reason that we'd go to see her onstage together. Ridiculous premium seats were bought, because fuck it, IT'S JESSICA FLETCHER AND I WANT TO SEE HER EYEBALLS.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" src=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-Tmv0SCyTK1c\/U48G7b_ElLI\/AAAAAAAAEJ4\/w6s36bLxhz8\/s1600\/sign.jpg\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" style=\"display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe day finally came, wonky excitable selfies were taken outside the theatre, a dinner of Fruit Pastilles, peanuts and delirious joy was had in Row H, because we weren't organised enough to have dinner before the show at 7.30. Incredulous whispers of \"It's actually happening\" and \"We're in the same building as her RIGHT NOW\" were shared.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe curtain rose. The show began. There were around fifteen minutes of sparkling dialogue, witty retorts and mentions of the soon-to-arrive Madame Arcati, who travels everywhere on her bicycle, apparently, which prompted me to happily hiss \"OF COURSE SHE DOES!\" at Brenda.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-clzZ-woGuyE\/U48t6ujVazI\/AAAAAAAAEKY\/HSDQcPsE3Yw\/s1600\/BSdHBXCCMAACfMR.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-clzZ-woGuyE\/U48t6ujVazI\/AAAAAAAAEKY\/HSDQcPsE3Yw\/s1600\/BSdHBXCCMAACfMR.jpg\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" style=\"display: block; height: 381px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe doorbell rang on stage. She walked out. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESHE WAS FINALLY HERE. The place exploded in applause. Myself and Brenda almost gave her a standing ovation then and there, before she'd even said a word. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EThe show was absolutely brilliant, which was a pleasant bonus seeing as I would have been happy even if it was just her knitting a scarf for two and half hours. The whole cast were great but you couldn't take your eyes off Angela, who also delivered some knockout physical comedy BECAUSE SHE'S THE MOST SPECIAL LADY IN THE WORLD.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-vXtgoMMh9DA\/U48wAFwnnxI\/AAAAAAAAEKk\/CvE_vi7LeYU\/s1600\/angela-lansbury.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-vXtgoMMh9DA\/U48wAFwnnxI\/AAAAAAAAEKk\/CvE_vi7LeYU\/s1600\/angela-lansbury.jpg\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" style=\"display: block; height: 267px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAfter the show (when we finally got to stand up and whoop and cheer our admiration) a beeline was made for the stage door, where a crowd had already gathered and barriers were in place. There were to be no autographs, warned the security man, (which was fair enough, seeing as she's an 88 year old lady after all and she'd be there all evening if that was the case) when she came out she was going wave to everyone and make her way to her car and that would be that. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EShe finally emerged from the door and the crowd went nuts. I took around twenty shockingly bad blurry photos, partly because I was so excited and also because I suddenly realised I was looking at her through my phone when she was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME IN REAL LIFE, so I wasn't even looking at the screen for a lot of it. But I got one! And that's all I needed!\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-QIE4l45qzAE\/U48HFO5BMtI\/AAAAAAAAEKA\/qHqlfkw5Wtk\/s1600\/jessica.jpg\"\u003E \u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" src=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-QIE4l45qzAE\/U48HFO5BMtI\/AAAAAAAAEKA\/qHqlfkw5Wtk\/s1600\/jessica.jpg\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" style=\"display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cspan style=\"font-size: large;\"\u003E\u003Cb\u003EOH HAI JESSICA\u003C\/b\u003E\u003C\/span\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBest. Night. Ever. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ciframe allowtransparency=\"true\" frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" src=\"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/plugins\/like.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fredlemonade.blogspot.com%2F2014%2F06%2Fgood-queen-jess.html\" style=\"height: 25px; width: 100%;\"\u003E\u003C\/iframe\u003E "},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/feeds\/4854620697100499241\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/2014\/06\/good-queen-jess.html#comment-form","title":"2 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7970712784003281497\/posts\/default\/4854620697100499241"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7970712784003281497\/posts\/default\/4854620697100499241"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/2014\/06\/good-queen-jess.html","title":"Good Queen Jess"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Kitty Catastrophe"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/08783550352881766193"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"32","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-y1G0SXlwykI\/U-DwTouCmwI\/AAAAAAAAEN4\/M3NH_VZo0T4\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-Tmv0SCyTK1c\/U48G7b_ElLI\/AAAAAAAAEJ4\/w6s36bLxhz8\/s72-c\/sign.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"2"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970712784003281497.post-1961685104330691683"},"published":{"$t":"2013-08-22T13:46:00.000+01:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2013-08-22T13:46:41.149+01:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Deadly stuff"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Family"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Holiers"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Nerd"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Orlando Boom"},"content":{"type":"html","$t":"After a gloriously fun holiday in sunny, stickily humid Florida, I have now returned to grey, also fairly stickily humid Dublin. Yay. However, I've returned to find that I've been nominated in the Pop Culture and Humour categories in the Irish Blog Awards, so genuine thanks and awkward hugs to the kind people who saw fit to throw my blog into the ring. You're sound.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAnyway, the holiday. I'm not even sure where to start. It involved four theme parks, one alligator sighting, two evenings of pirate-themed crazy golf, eight hours of wandering around the Kennedy Space Centre, two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts and me \u003Ci\u003Ealmost\u003C\/i\u003E passing out from the intense heat while queuing in Hogsmeade. Of all places. I ask you.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESo here are a few of the things I learned in the city of Orlando:\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-murY_uAiqTg\/UhI5RAeUElI\/AAAAAAAAD0c\/Xg7TETGWVpk\/s1600\/universal1.jpg\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-murY_uAiqTg\/UhI5RAeUElI\/AAAAAAAAD0c\/Xg7TETGWVpk\/s1600\/universal1.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EMy family and I are kinda brilliant at theme parks.\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFlorida in August = enormo-queues. But we didn't stand in line for more than half an hour or so for anything, bar two rides that broke down while we were mid-queue (shakes fist at E.T. and Ariel), however that's just down to sucky timing and couldn't be helped. Fastpass tickets (the free Disney ones, not the Universal Studios ones that they charge you for. NEVER those ones), single rider queues and just waiting until later in the evening are all handy queue avoidance techniques.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-iNRQeEie_J4\/UhI5gzVyHII\/AAAAAAAAD0g\/ScGekdhwScY\/s1600\/universal2.jpg\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-iNRQeEie_J4\/UhI5gzVyHII\/AAAAAAAAD0g\/ScGekdhwScY\/s1600\/universal2.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 796px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAlso, there is a FANTASTIC rollercoaster in Universal Studios that allows you to choose a song to listen to while you're being flung upside-down at a frankly alarming height. The Bear and I both ended up picking Sabotage by the Beastie Boys. I had a sore throat the next day.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EI will judge people based on their bumper stickers.\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EFor example, when I saw one that said \"Obama is what happens when you allow idiots, illegals and welfare recipients to vote\", I came to the conclusion that the guy driving that jeep was a racist, backwards and deeply unpleasant dickhead.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EFlorida laughs in the face of subtlety.\u003C\/b\u003E \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-D8hyPEUbLg4\/Ug_1y8RjUtI\/AAAAAAAADz4\/TV32iEur3QY\/s1600\/awesometack.jpg\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-D8hyPEUbLg4\/Ug_1y8RjUtI\/AAAAAAAADz4\/TV32iEur3QY\/s1600\/awesometack.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 600px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ELAUGHS. HYSTERICALLY.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003E\u003Cspan class=\"st\"\u003EThere's nothing on earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car monorail!\u003C\/span\u003E\u003C\/b\u003E \u003Cbr \/\u003EYou  need to take either a ferryboat or a monorail to Disney World from the  car park. We took the monorail (because, obviously) and were then  trapped on it for a very sweaty extra ten minutes when the monorail  ahead of us broke down (because....obviously).\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-JAlaHnfVwRk\/Ug_yPWKf6HI\/AAAAAAAADzM\/2ByTNA6s9Dk\/s1600\/disney.jpg\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-JAlaHnfVwRk\/Ug_yPWKf6HI\/AAAAAAAADzM\/2ByTNA6s9Dk\/s1600\/disney.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 600px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWe got the boat back when we were leaving.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EThe Wizarding World of Harry Potter is AH-MAY-ZING.\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EUniversal's Islands of Adventure theme park is already eleven kinds of deadly, but throw in Hogwarts and the village of Hogsmeade and you've got yourself one overexcited me. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-UPWtjE4YO-s\/Ug_yeAz6h3I\/AAAAAAAADzU\/bSJLxEORsiE\/s1600\/islands.jpg\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/-UPWtjE4YO-s\/Ug_yeAz6h3I\/AAAAAAAADzU\/bSJLxEORsiE\/s1600\/islands.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 600px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAdmittedly, our day there didn't start off too spectacularly, seeing as I got walloped with heatstroke while queuing for the first ride of the day, a Hippogriff rollercoaster. It was completely unexpected, as I've never had a weird reaction to heat before. I was drinking water and lemonade since we arrived at the park and we were standing in the shade when it happened, but out of nowhere I got really lightheaded and dizzy and just felt sick. My hands seized up and my fingers, feet and face went all tingly, so I was left with useless numb crab claw hands that had to be prised open by the Bear so I could hold a bottle of water. Disaster!\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EMy first proper look at Hogsmeade was from a wheelchair, while being bumpily escorted over the cobbles to the first aid area by a big burly paramedic dude. It wasn't exactly ideal. However, after around twenty minutes and a lie down in an air conditioned room, I was fine again. Anyway, it actually all worked out in the end, because thanks to my little episode we got to skip the queues for the Harry Potter rides for the rest of the day. TOTALLY WORTH IT.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003ENASA is super cool.\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EWe expected to spend around half a  day at the Kennedy Space Centre, and yet found ourselves traipsing  around the Atlantis shuttle exhibit at seven o'clock that evening.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-rZCuOduxQrk\/Ug_ys_vZWwI\/AAAAAAAADzc\/ExErNxnWCTc\/s1600\/nasa.jpg\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-rZCuOduxQrk\/Ug_ys_vZWwI\/AAAAAAAADzc\/ExErNxnWCTc\/s1600\/nasa.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 600px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EShortly after we arrived home, Armageddon was on telly and showed Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler dry-humping in one of the blasters on the base of the rocket in the photo above. \"Get out of Apollo 8, you jerks!\" I said. They didn't listen.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EAmerica is terrible at chocolate (Ok, I already knew this).\u0026nbsp;\u003C\/b\u003E \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-koruJwH4acw\/Ug_2FPizzQI\/AAAAAAAAD0A\/YoByKhHtG5I\/s1600\/food.jpg\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-koruJwH4acw\/Ug_2FPizzQI\/AAAAAAAAD0A\/YoByKhHtG5I\/s1600\/food.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EBUT DEAR GOD THEY RULE AT ALL OTHER KINDS OF JUNK FOOD.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003EThere is a Disney-built town called Celebration.\u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAs we were driving to and from the theme parks, I kept noticing road signs for a place called \u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Celebration,_Florida\" target=\"_blank\"\u003ECelebration\u003C\/a\u003E and remembered a documentary I'd seen years ago about this creepy town  built by Disney where everything was perfect and the people living there  were Disney obsessives. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-bjxQIJETJaQ\/Ug_y7k-qRsI\/AAAAAAAADzk\/QuhskR5EIhE\/s1600\/celebration.jpg\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-bjxQIJETJaQ\/Ug_y7k-qRsI\/AAAAAAAADzk\/QuhskR5EIhE\/s1600\/celebration.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 600px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ESo, naturally we went there for breakfast one morning. It's actually kinda deadly. There's ACTUAL white picket fences all over the place, the houses and buildings are all painted in ice-cream shades of pastel and the signage has a decidedly art deco twang to it. It's like Disney meets Stepford Wives. I liked it.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003ETheir wall sockets look like worried little faces. \u003C\/b\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cb\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ca href=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-n5q30RjSt6Q\/Ug_2VRG6YcI\/AAAAAAAAD0I\/-FhWVc3ZMzM\/s1600\/sockets.jpg\"\u003E\u003Cimg alt=\"\" border=\"0\" id=\"BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641564410206788610\" src=\"http:\/\/4.bp.blogspot.com\/-n5q30RjSt6Q\/Ug_2VRG6YcI\/AAAAAAAAD0I\/-FhWVc3ZMzM\/s1600\/sockets.jpg\" style=\"display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 400px;\" \/\u003E\u003C\/a\u003E\u003C\/b\u003E\"Oh nooo!\" They all said.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003EAlso, we saw Jesse Metcalfe while we were killing time waiting for our flight home in the airport in Chicago. The Bear was the one who noticed him, because he was being an aggressive dick to the woman who was with him, who we later reckoned must have been his PA or something. Dad refused to believe that he's a douchebag, because he loves him on Dallas. He was a douchebag though.\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003ECELEBRITY GOSSIP. BOOM. You're welcome. \u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Cbr \/\u003E\u003Ciframe allowtransparency=\"true\" frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" src=\"http:\/\/www.facebook.com\/plugins\/like.php?href=http%3A%2F%2Fredlemonade.blogspot.com%2F2013%2F08%2Forlando-boom.html\" style=\"height: 26px; width: 100%;\"\u003E\u003C\/iframe\u003E"},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/feeds\/1961685104330691683\/comments\/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/2013\/08\/orlando-boom.html#comment-form","title":"3 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7970712784003281497\/posts\/default\/1961685104330691683"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/feeds\/7970712784003281497\/posts\/default\/1961685104330691683"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http:\/\/redlemonade.blogspot.com\/2013\/08\/orlando-boom.html","title":"Orlando Boom"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Kitty Catastrophe"},"uri":{"$t":"http:\/\/www.blogger.com\/profile\/08783550352881766193"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"},"gd$image":{"rel":"http://schemas.google.com/g/2005#thumbnail","width":"32","height":"32","src":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/-y1G0SXlwykI\/U-DwTouCmwI\/AAAAAAAAEN4\/M3NH_VZo0T4\/s1600\/*"}}],"media$thumbnail":{"xmlns$media":"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/","url":"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/-murY_uAiqTg\/UhI5RAeUElI\/AAAAAAAAD0c\/Xg7TETGWVpk\/s72-c\/universal1.jpg","height":"72","width":"72"},"thr$total":{"$t":"3"}}]}});