Tuesday, November 06, 2012

Sweet Valley High Revisited - Dangerous Love

I've finally returned to the series of genuine Eighties-tastic delight that is Sweet Valley. And it's time for book six.  

Sweet Valley High #6: Dangerous Love


It's another gorgeous day in Sweet Valley (is it ever any other kind of day? I don't think it's rained in a single book so far) but Elizabeth Wakefield is on edge. You see, her super perfect boyfriend Todd has bought a motorbike but her parents have forbidden the twins from ever getting on one after their ridiculously-named cousin Rexy died in a motorbike crash. I vaguely remember Rexy being mentioned in other books that I would have read back when I was twelve or whatever, but I always assumed that cousin was a girl. It seems even more ridiculous now that it turns out that Rexy was a dude all this time. I mean, Rexy? Seriously? What would that even be short for?

Anyway, instead of just telling Todd why she can't go with him on his bike, Elizabeth is avoiding him and making up excuses so she can drive to school instead, as she's worried that he'll choose his bike over her. For once in her life, Jessica puts aside her psychotic tendencies and is actually the reasonable one, convincing Liz to just explain what's going on to Todd. So she does and Todd understands. Athough I'm not sure how much he actually understands, as at one point he says:

"The Elizabeth Wakefield I know is cautious, practical, and methodical, but she’s not a worrier."

For fuck's sake Todd, have you ever actually met Elizabeth before? In Power Play alone there were fourteen references to her being worried. After their conversation, Elizabeth watches Todd hurry off to work on a class project and thinks to herself that "everything was going to work out fine." Which is really the equivalent of her being the girl in the horror film who wanders off in her nightie, saying she'll be right back.

Todd and Elizabeth have agreed to meet at the Dairi Burger after school for the diner's big re-opening so Liz can fill her pointless Eyes and Ears column with gossip while kidding herself that she's a serious writer. Also, the Dairi Burger has undergone something of a makeover, which won't date badly at ALL.

"The most visible improvement was the replacement of the dingy, white tiled exterior with natural wood planking. The neon sign atop the roof, which used to read D RI URGE was gone too, and in its place was a brown plastic sign with the words spelled out in yellow script letters."

Nothing says class like yellow letters on brown plastic. Also, DRI URGE? Kate William, you're killing me. Anyway, Todd shows up at the diner with some bird from his class on the back of his bike, so Elizabeth acts like this automatically means they've been fucking and gets crazy jealous. A few days later he gives Enid a spin on the bike, leaving Liz on her own at the bus stop and giving her the opportunity to be all tragic on the way to school. "Blinking back tears, she found a seat on the bus and rode to school alone." Aww.

Later that day, Liz goes to the school newspaper office and ends up telling sexy Mr. Collins all about how upset she is over everything. He tells her to cop on and talk to Todd, in so many words, which she resolves to do. "It was funny, Elizabeth thought. Mr. Collins was always around when she needed him." Looks like those night vision goggles are paying off, Mr. Collins.

Liz and Todd are meeting at the Dairi Burger after school again, because it appears that no one is getting fed at home in this book. Instead of taking the bus, Liz accepts a lift from Guy Chesney, keyboard player for The Droids, who then proceeds to creep all over her in the car on the way there, while asking her about her boyfriend. It's pretty weird. When they get to the diner and Todd sees Liz getting out of Guy's car, he gets all jealous, the great big hypocrite, so they talk it out and laugh about how silly they're both being, with Todd deciding that he won't bring any other young wans for a spin on his bike anymore.

Meanwhile, Jessica has the big steely balls to ask Elizabeth if she'll convince Enid to set her up with Enid's sexy cousin Brian. According to Jessica's logic, that time she tried to screw Enid over she was actually doing her a favour and reckons that Enid "owes her one". Oh Jess. Never change, you total looper. At first, Enid tells Elizabeth that Jessica can go and shite (again, in so many words) but later on in the book she changes her mind and decides that Brian would have such a good time with Jessica that it was spiteful of her to refuse. Eh YES Enid, it's ok to be spiteful here because Jessica is a CRAZY BITCH WHO TRIED TO RUIN YOUR LIFE. Jesus, these kids suck at holding a grudge.

So, Enid is having a party for her sixteenth birthday and despite the fact that all the cool kids seem to have no time for her whatsoever, absolutely EVERYONE in the school is going. Also, her boyfriend George is in college and Enid is FIFTEEN. And that doesn't seem to strike anyone as a bit weird. The college boys in Sweet Valley like 'em young. It's creepy. Oh and the chapter right before the party ends with: "Enid's party was going to be great, Elizabeth thought. She could hardly wait." At this point she's practically running around shouting "What could POSSIBLY go wrong?!" Boy, I sure hope nothing TERRIBLE happens.

We get to the party, and the Sweet Valley Country Club is all decked out in blue and yellow carnations and sounds like a Leap Day party from 30 Rock.


Oh, and Mr. Collins is there as a chaperone. At a party that has fucking nothing to do with the school. GET A GODDAMN HOBBY, DUDE. Seriously.

Anyway, Elizabeth spends the entire party waiting around for Todd to show up, instead of just joining her friends and having the craic. She knows everyone at the party and yet she waits outside for most of it, like an idiot. Todd eventually shows up when everyone else has left, as the party has moved on to a club. It turns out that he was so late because he was sorting out selling his motorbike to Crunch McAllister, the local high school dropout and construction worker who drives a purple van. (No, really.) Elizabeth decides she wants Todd to drive her to the club on the bike, as it's her last chance to have a go on it.

ERMAHGERD! MERTERBERK!

Todd says no way, as he promised her parents that he'd never let her on it, but she wears him down, so they go for a spin and everything's great. EXCEPT IT'S NOT BECAUSE THEY CRASH. And they crash because they meet Crunch on the road, drink driving in his Mystery Machine and Elizabeth ends up in a coma. NOOOO!

Everyone is super sad at the hospital and all the Wakefields are mad at Todd. Mr. Collins shows up, because it appears that he has nothing else to be doing, and consoles Todd.

"You look like you need a friend" Mr. Collins said. When Todd didn't respond, he grabbed the boy around his waist.

STEP AWAY FROM THE STUDENT, COLLINS. What the actual fuck.

The book ends with Liz still in the coma and Jessica promising to be a better sister from now on. Ha! Let's not hold our breath on that count. But will Liz come out of the coma? With only 146 books in the series to go, it's anyone's guess. THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.

Notable outfit:
"After much searching, her twin had finally found an outfit that did her justice, a black-and-white satin jumpsuit held in place by two tiny spaghetti straps. With her hair piled atop her head and long black-and-white earrings dangling from her lobes, Jessica looked stunning."

YOU GO JESSICA WAKEFIELD.

Things I counted:
Number of pages: 118
References to the twins' blue-green eyes: 2 (Boo.)
References to the fact that the twins are blonde: 4
Eye colour mentions in general: 6

9 comments :

  1. Ahh Sweet Vallet High, how I loved these books in my youth, the next one was one of my favourites, Elizabeth wakes up from her coma, and she becomes a bad girl!! for a couple of weeks anyway,

    Hilarious blog as always :)

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  2. Bloody brilliant stuff.

    I am feeling a rush of nostalgia - had forgotten about Rexy, and the Eyes & Ears column.

    And Todd. What an absolute fcuking dweeb.

    I look forward to the next installment.

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  3. That outfit sounds amazing! Why is no one wearing it right now?!

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  4. Where can I find 1-5!!! I never read these books when I was the "target audience" but I LOVE the way you summarise books! Better than actually reading them.

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  5. Anon - I'm quite excited about getting to the next book, as I don't think I've ever actually read it.

    Limbo - Poor aul Todd! Even with a motorbike he's still an awful pratt.

    Joanna - Well it's certainly not the worst SVH outfit I've encountered, that's for sure.

    Tracy - Thanks! If you click the Sweet Valley Revisited label under the post it'll take you to the other ones. :)

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  6. Ermahgerd serspernse! That's what you get for disobeying your parents, coma - every time.

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  7. http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/quiz-which-wakefield-twin-are-you

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  8. My boobs are paranoid at just the thought of that jumpsuit. And specifically, doing any jumping in that jumpsuit.

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  9. I literally am strung out on this!
    Well done! Hilarious. I've been buying Sweet Valley books from upstairs in Chapters as of yesterday- I'm giving them as Birthday Cards.

    The covers. Hunreal.

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