Monday, September 24, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 12)

Well now, would you look at that! I've actually, finally made it to the end of the bucket of shite that is Fifty Shades of Grey. Thanks a million to everyone for all the brilliant comments, tweets and emails, you've been deadly. So here we go, the home straight, Volume 12.

Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11.


Now then. Where was I? Ah yes, Christian has just informed Ana that he can't make it to dinner at her mother's house, as he has to go back to Seattle because he has a "situation" to deal with.

The last ‘situation’ he had was my virginity. Jeez, I hope it’s nothing like that.

JEEZ and HOLY FUCK Ana, me too. One ridiculous virgin bitch is quite enough to be dealing with. There is only so much hatred I can handle, after all. The word "situation" gets used so much here that I start to wonder if he's got a meeting with this guy:

They could start a company together. Douchebag & Cuntface Inc. Their business plan is too piss off EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.

That afternoon, Ana is relaxing by the pool and we're met by another sentence that enraged me the exact amount as that awful "I take a moment to admire the pretty" one back in Volume 6 did.

"As I lie in the sun, endeavoring to lose the pale, I think about yesterday evening and breakfast today."

Endeavouring to lose the pale. THE PALE. Well fuck me Anastasia, you're looking well for a wan who ruled 15th century Dublin and wished to relinquish that control by constantly sunbathing, because that is THE ONLY WAY ANY PART OF THAT SENTENCE MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE.

Goddammit EL James, what the fuck did the English language ever do to you to deserve this?

Anyway, Ana starts to wonder why Christian is suddenly so willing to try "more" (gag) with her and what could have changed his mind about it. Then she remembers that he had dinner with Elena and goes into an utterly inexplicable rage because HOW VERY DARE SHE help Ana get exactly what she has wanted this whole time. THAT DEVIOUS WENCH. There's another three pages of emails where she asks him to tell her what it was that she said in her sleep, he says no, blah blah blah, she gets all annoyed and thinks how he's "Fifty shades of exasperating". Fifty Shades of DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE.

Appearances of the phrase "fifty shades": 14


Ana gets dropped off at the airport by her mother and Bob. She sits down on the plane and starts thinking about how her mother reckons Christian is in love with her but she doesn't think Christian is properly capable of love. She uses the phrase "my mother’s words waft like a zephyr through my mind" and the existence of this book wafts like a fart through my life.

According to her, being into BDSM and a spot of bondage means you hate yourself and feel like you don't deserve to be loved, which seems like an outrageously insulting thing to say about people who partake in such sexual endeavours. Ana emails Christian to update him on the fact that she's sitting down, so they go back and forth for seven emails about fuck all, where the only thing we learn is that "the situation could be better".

Appearances of the word "situation": 22 (That's just excessive.)

Ana realises that the only empty seat in first class is the one beside her, which was also the case when she was flying out to Georgia.

"I shake my head as the thought crosses my mind that Christian might have purchased the adjacent seat so that I couldn’t talk to anyone. I dismiss the idea as ridiculous – no one could be that controlling, that jealous, surely."

Hey, maybe she's just been sleepwalking her way through the entire relationship up to this point, because I can't begin to imagine that anyone could actually be that fucking stupid.


Ana eventually gets to Christian's place and he immediately demands that they take a shower together, but they end up fucking against the wall. Right before this though, he does the following:

"He steps out of his shoes and reaches down to take each of his socks off, never taking his eyes off me."

This line makes me burst out laughing every time I read it, because someone staring at you while they take their socks off is fucking hilarious to me and I honestly have no idea why. Possibly because I keep thinking of how they would end up hopping forward on one foot and trying not to faceplant into the floor during the process. Afterwards, they get into the shower and Ana ruins the sexy moment by bringing up José The Potential Rapist's photography exhibition and asks Christian if he'd like to come with her to it. He grudgingly agrees to go and Ana mentions how he seems to be "on the jealous side" when it comes to José.  

“Yes, I am,” he says darkly. “And you’d do well to remember that."

FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR, GREY.

After they've eaten dinner, Christian tells Ana that he wants her to be ready and waiting in his playroom in fifteen minutes. While she's waiting for him to come in, she gets nervous about what he's going to do with her.

"After the last few days… after all he’s done, I have to man up and take whatever he decides he wants, whatever he thinks he needs."

NO YOU FUCKING DON'T. YOU DIDN'T ASK HIM TO UPGRADE YOU TO FIRST CLASS OR FUCKING FLY TO GEORGIA AFTER YOU LIKE A TOTAL PSYCHO SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GROW A GODDAMN SPINE.

Holy fuckballs, it's like feminism never happened.

He goes over the safewords that they have agreed on if she wants him to stop at any point. Once that's all sorted, he ties her to the bed, puts a blindfold and headphones on her, so she can't see or hear what he's doing and while he explains to her that he'll be able to hear what she's listening to on the headphones, he holds up "a small, flat device that looks like a very hip calculator".

ALSO KNOWN AS A FUCKING REMOTE CONTROL. CHRIST.

There's a bit of light flogging and Ana comes like a motherfucker, as she is wont to do. Later on, she wakes up alone in Christian's bed at five in the morning and finds Christian playing sad music on his piano. She tries to get him to talk about his childhood, he decides he wants to fuck on the piano, she decides she wants to talk about their relationship and the contract. He says the contract is moot at this point and he just wants her to follow the rules section of it. She asks what will happen if she breaks one of the rules. He says she'll be punished but that he'll need her permission to punish her.

She asks "What if I say no?" and he replies “If you say no, you’ll say no. I’ll have to find a way to persuade you.”

OR HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS: YOU BACK THE FUCK OFF AND RESPECT HER WISHES FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, YOU UTTER TURD OF A HUMAN.


Ana rolls her eyes at this, which gives Christian a raging horn because according to his logic, now he gets to spank her. She has already told him that she really REALLY doesn't like to be spanked, so she runs around the room with him chasing her, acting all coy and teasing him even though she's genuinely trying to get away from him and not just playing along. I honestly have no idea why she does this. Although, nothing else in this book makes sense so there's hardly any point complaining about it this late in the game.

She tells him that she feels about spanking the way he fells about her touching him. This upsets him greatly, so she backtracks a bit and tries to explain that she's worried that he'll hurt her if he's punishing her. He says he wants and needs to hurt her, but not beyond anything she can take and he won't tell her why this is because he's afraid she'll leave him. Oh and apparently Ana begged him not to leave her in her sleep. That's what has been building up for the last few chapters, a big pile of nothing. And for fuck's sake, what kind of idiot bases their relationship on something the other person said IN THEIR SLEEP? YOU'RE A FUCKING TOOL CHRISTIAN.

So Ana decides that she wants him to punish her and to show her how bad it can get, because she's labouring under the delusion that if she does this for him then she'll be able to CHANGE him or SAVE him or some such bollocks. He's - understandably - completely confused by this and repeatedly asks her if she's sure, she repeatedly says yes, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S NOT and he tells her he's going to hit her on the arse six times with a belt. So he does it and it sounds horrible and she's screaming and crying from the second blow onwards, instead of using the safewords he had drilled into her just a few hours ago.

When he's finished, he tries to comfort her and she freaks the fuck out, because she's furious with him, even though she ASKED HIM TO DO THIS. For once, this is actually not completely Christian's fault. She calls him a fucked up son of a bitch and stiffly storms off to her room and bawls her eyes out crying. She's all distraught and reckons she needs to leave him but doesn't want to and thinks stuff like "Oh, this is a dark morning of the soul for me" because she's the worst female character ever written in anything, ever.

He eventually follows her into the room all sad and tells her she should leave him, she says she doesn't want to and that she loves him, he's "horrified" (because he doesn't deserve love, I guess?) and says he can't make her happy, she says he DOES make her happy (which flies in the face of THE ENTIRE BOOK SO FAR seeing as all she's done is cry and be confused about everything) but she eventually makes up her mind and packs up her shit.

She gives Christian back the laptop, Blackberry and car keys, which also horrifies him. Then he tells her that Taylor will drive her home, she refuses and with "barely-contained fury" he says "Are you going to defy me at every turn?" At which point I think to myself, GO FUCKING FUCK YOURSELF, GREY. It's bad enough that he controlled her every move while they were together, but thinking that he can keep doing it when they're breaking up is just taking the piss. Who the fuck does he think he is?

The remaining few paragraphs of the book contain possibly the most hilariously melodramatic writing of all time. When she's getting into the lift to leave the apartment, it doesn't just go down to the basement, oh no. 

"It whisks me down to the bowels of the basement and to my own personal hell." 

Reading this book has been MY own personal hell.

"Embarrassment and shame washes over me. I’m a complete failure."

YES. YOU ARE. AT EVERYTHING. INCLUDING BEING A RELATABLE, LIKEABLE CHARACTER THAT I COULD GIVE A TWIRLY FUCK ABOUT.

"I had hoped to drag my Fifty Shades into the light, but it’s proved a task beyond my meager abilities."

So is understanding the concept of a remote control.

"The enormity of what I’ve done slowly washes over me. Shit – I’ve left him. The only man I’ve ever loved."

She met him ONE MONTH AGO.

"I fall onto my bed, shoes and all, and howl. The pain is indescribable… physical, mental… metaphysical… it is everywhere, seeping into the marrow of my bones."

METAPHYSICAL PAIN, YOU GUYS. She's so incredibly sad that she's completely given up on making any fucking sense AT ALL.

And that's it. The book ends with her throwing herself on her bed, clutching a deflated helicopter shaped balloon and crying her fucking face off. THE END.

References to Christian's eyes being grey: 102
References to Christian's pants hanging from his hips: 7

Appearances of the word "blush": 34
Appearances of the word "flush": 94

Amount of times I had to put this book down and say "Oh for FUCK'S SAKE" in an exasperated manner: 4,583 (Probably.)

So there you have it. A terrible story with a terrible message, terrible characters and a terrible ending. It was originally supposed to be called Master of the Universe. Sound familiar? Well it should, because Masters of the Universe is basically He-Man. You know what would have made a better story with a better message and better characters?

ANY STORY ABOUT HE-MAN.


41 comments :

  1. Proper laughing my ass off at 'Douchebag & Cuntface Inc.'!

    I am so sad this is the last installment but also glad that you've finished the book. I was starting to become concerned about your blood pressure. But you've made me laugh until I feel sick, and for that I thank you.

    Thanks for taking one for the team, you'll never be forgotten.

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  2. Thank you for everything. I never understood why so many of the women on my FB loved this book and I screamed every time I read a status about how much they want a Mr Grey for their own. Yes I've always wanted a stalker/rapist/socio-path in my life...not -_- Thank you for giving me some faith back into the female population.

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    Replies
    1. Fifty Shades of Crap24 September 2012 at 15:30

      I understand you. To me it's the same. The obsession with this fic is unhealthy. I have clear that women who want to the clown Grey in their lives, have serious mental problems.

      Delete
  3. Hilarious!
    You've had me laughing out loud in the office, looking like a madwoman!
    I have thoroughly enjoyed your rendition of this book, having read it myself I had an almost identical reaction to yours!
    I really hope you win the vote and cover the other books!!

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  4. I like the way she describes her virginity as 'a situation', it makes it sound like some sort of bad turn of events in a Hollywood disaster movie. Her cherry sounds like an outbreak of a flesh eating virus or an attack on our civilisation by alien beings.

    Oh and I'm still not over the tampon incident. Hideous.

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    Replies
    1. Every time I read "situation" in this post I thought of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mekofQWyJb0

      Delete
  5. Thank you for doing this, it is truly a public service you have done here! Everytime someone suggests I read this pile of shit I just send them a link to your blog. You're a star!

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  6. I laughed so much I now have stomach ache.

    This post is so bittersweet since I found it to be one of the most hilarious installments, however it also means no more Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery. Where do we go from here? Where will I get my giggles now? Nothing quite compares to these posts.

    If you decide to tear apart the second atrocity in this manner, we would all be eternally grateful.

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  7. Brilliant, I loved these so much.

    Pleeeease do the second book, its equally as awful. Maybe even worse but your reviews are excellent!

    Yvonne

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  8. Go on ya good thing, do the next one! I genuinely put on the kettle and get out the good biccies when i see you've updated with another volume. Sure i can still do that, but it won't be the same.

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  9. What a shite ending to a very crappy-sounding book.

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  10. Thank you for the very hilarious reviews though. Am voting for you every week on home and work computers. :)

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  11. Bravo, is all.
    That cat in part 11 (I think) actually had me doubled over for about 5 minutes.

    I haven't actually read the book, so I am taking this entirely on your reviews, which as I said are hilarious but.....
    This book, or more to point its popularity among women... its pretty worrying like.

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  12. I think you would make the world a better place if you do the second one too...

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    Replies
    1. Agreed!

      Pretty please...

      Delete
    2. Please? For the sake of every sane person who has to watch their friends and loved ones turn into giggling idiots over this pile of complete dross?

      Delete
    3. Yes you must! There is so much more hideous writing for you to rip the piss out of as this story gets even more absurd with every page. If you think that you hate Ana and Christian now, just wait until you read the next 2 books!

      Delete
  13. Honestly I have no idea how you managed to read the whole thing through.

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  14. I've just discovered your blog, thanks to the Blog Awards, and have read all 12 volumes of 50 Shades in one sitting, snorting all the while. Haven't read the book, have no interest in reading the book, cannot BELIEVE the number of women who seem to love the book, but thorougly enjoyed your shredding of it. I do hope you win, but even if you don't, I really, really hope that you will review the next two. Though you might want to get a full medical first :-)

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  15. I think I actually love you for writing all of this. At least I never ever have to read the book :|

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  16. I love this blog, I would much rather read this than endless dull descriptions of lip-chewing, chaste kissing and eye-rolling. I'm writing my own version of Fifty Shades in the real world http://fiftyshadesofthetruth-wartsandall.blogspot.co.uk/
    Would appreciate any comments.

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  17. Thank you very much for this!! I didn't read the book and understandably it was torture for you to read it. But PLEASE do the 2nd book as well. These 12 are my favourite blog posts ever in the entire blogosphere! I need more of these in my life. Oh, and I keep voting for you every week from all the computers I have access to :)

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  18. Am I the only one who thought the whole piano thing was a little too like Pretty Woman?!

    I love your version of this book - possibly one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. I would love love love if you did the whole trilogy like this......and then packed it up and sent it to EL James as a nice little present. Or better got it published & sold more copies than her book!

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    Replies
    1. The whole tale is very Pretty Woman-esque - rich detached self-made man falls in love with unassuming young woman, blah blah blah - only difference is Ana pretends not to be a prostitute and despite harping on about feeling like on in the book still accepts all the "lavish" gifts.
      At least in the movie it was all laid on the table! :p

      Delete
  19. OMG LOLZ. This was AMAZING. I'll pay u £50 to do the next book. COME ON, YOU GUYS!!! How much do u want?

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  20. How come I have only just found this now!! When I needed this as the salve to the wound reading that godawful book left! The only good thing I can say about reading this book is that it was a necessary evil that led to reading your HILARIOUS and AWESOME blog. 50 Shades of THANKYOU!

    PS I have been voting for you.

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  21. Reading this while supervising evening study at school and I have had five honking snort-laughs. I think the kids will give out to me any minute.
    I love the idea of you serialising the other books, but I wouldn't put it on you. They are dreadful books and will be used in the future as tools of torture in prisons.
    Thank you for a laughs.

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  22. I've been following this obsessively ever since I discovered it. Thank you for making the fact that I actually read this book bearable.

    While I hope you actually continue the series, for your sake, maybe you shouldn't. (even though I really hope you do and will be checking repeatedly for the Fifty Shades of Kill Me Now - the Sequel)

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  23. Oh, my, you've made my day! I just started reading this horrible trilogy, after months of peer pressure from my best friend (who usually has much more trustworthy taste). Ugh! I felt the same as you, but you wrote it so well in this blog! THANK You!

    Please consider blogging about the remainder of the trilogy, if you can bear it.

    Laters, baby

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  24. I'm going to write a homoerotic He-Man fanfic called "Fifty Shades of Greyskull".

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  25. Reading a scathing and hysterical review of this shitbag book instead of ACTUALLY reading it? Yes, please.

    Bless you. I can't wait for the next installment.

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  26. hahaha this was great..you really should do the same thing with bared to you by sylvia day I actually think that book i way worse...

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  27. This was fantastic. You're fantastic. I'm only sorry I just discovered this blog the other day, I'd love to have voted for you to win that award! But maybe you'd win next time if you review Book 2? <3

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  28. This is wonderful, ı couldn't stop reading and laughing! pls pls write other books, it might be hard for your health but i m sure it will be epic:)

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  29. I was just given the link to your first Fifty Shades a few days ago, and finally read them all.

    OMG, they are excellent, some of the best prose about a book that I've ever read.

    I haven't read the whole book. A friend asked me to, since I live in the Seattle area and she was hoping I could give her some insight on the places mentioned in the book. I managed chapter 1 before I gave up in total and utter horror. I admire you for being able to slog through it, and I thank you for doing so!

    I laughed. A lot.

    So thank you. That was spectacular.

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  30. This was just amazing. Absolutely made my day. I would love to read your reviews on the other two books, but I don't think your keyboard could handle the abuse.

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  31. Review the other two books. Now.

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  32. EGG-FREAKIN-ZACTLY. I read it because I thought, well, fuck it, I could do with reading something sexy. LEAST. SEXY. BOOK. EVER. Repetitive, boring, inane, childish shit. Thought I was going to be reading some hardcore BDSM lit, as EVERYBODY SAID IT WAS, and instead got, 'I need you to do all these things for me so badly that I'm going to stalk the hell out of you and freak you out and oh wait no I'm in love now, love was all I needed, wahey joy for me it was just a psychological affliction and now I'm cured, you cured me with your stupid plaintive cries and lack of gag reflex and sopping vagina'. FUCK.. OFF. Kept thinking that she'd sort of end up wanting to do the kinky stuff without it being creepy, but no, not even in the second book, it has NOTHING to do with her becoming sexually liberated and EVERYTHING to do with this guy's material value winning the day and then they get married and then it turns into a crime thriller, or something. Briefly skimmed through the second to get to the end page, read the first page of the third, vomited, deleted everything from my tablet and wondered why I'd allowed myself to keep hoping that it would change into something interesting. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

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  33. These recaps are a fucking scream! I love it! Binged through them yesterday and today. I can't wait to read your tear-in to the second book of this drudgery.

    The only thing I feel I must disagree on is the blame for the final 'scene' where he hits her with the belt. Sure she asked him to go as hard as he could, but any dom with his/her/their salt would have refused. (We all know Christian's a bag of dicks of course.) A fair number of newbies and curious experimenters on the scene ask for a similar crash course, but it's then up to the experienced parties to say 'hey, slow your roll, grasshopper. You gotta build up to it.' Since he knows Ana hates spanking, I say the blame is on him for agreeing to do it when he could reasonably deduce that the result would be bad.

    Also about safe-words, in extreme agony or even in total ecstasy, a sub can space out on saying a safe-word when needed. That's why it's important for the dom or (if you're at a play party) bystanders and supervisors to keep an eye on the sub and watch for signs of discomfort. Ana had them written all over her sorry face in big, fat crocodile tears. Again, if Mr. Bag-O-Dicks was a dom worth his salt, he'd have stopped after the second lash.

    /end kinkster nitpicks! ;)

    Other than that, you've been 100% spot on with how wrong both characters have been and just right in general about this awful series. I love this blog!

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    1. Thanks for the excellent comment Diana! I'm delighted you enjoyed my take-down and you make a very good point about Christian being a sucky Dom, he absolutely should have read the situation.

      Delete
  34. your commentary is fabulous. I cannot stop laughing. I totally despised this book and it's characters...pure dribble to insult our intelligence.
    women only fantasize over this character because he's rich. had grey been some poor slob wearing wife-beater tanks and working as a janitor, they would see him for the true creep he is. and ana is the most unrealistic girl ever...we are expected to believe that she had no exposure to technology while in school in this day and age? and how is that stupid and sheltered about life when she has a friend like kate? LMAO
    thanks again for the entertainment! it's most excellent.

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