Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11.
Now then. Where was I? Ah yes, Christian has just informed Ana that he can't make it to dinner at her mother's house, as he has to go back to Seattle because he has a "situation" to deal with.
The last ‘situation’ he had was my virginity. Jeez, I hope it’s nothing like that.
JEEZ and HOLY FUCK Ana, me too. One ridiculous virgin bitch is quite enough to be dealing with. There is only so much hatred I can handle, after all. The word "situation" gets used so much here that I start to wonder if he's got a meeting with this guy:
|They could start a company together. Douchebag & Cuntface Inc. Their business plan is too piss off EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.|
That afternoon, Ana is relaxing by the pool and we're met by another sentence that enraged me the exact amount as that awful "I take a moment to admire the pretty" one back in Volume 6 did.
"As I lie in the sun, endeavoring to lose the pale, I think about yesterday evening and breakfast today."
Endeavouring to lose the pale. THE PALE. Well fuck me Anastasia, you're looking well for a wan who ruled 15th century Dublin and wished to relinquish that control by constantly sunbathing, because that is THE ONLY WAY ANY PART OF THAT SENTENCE MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE.
Goddammit EL James, what the fuck did the English language ever do to you to deserve this?
Anyway, Ana starts to wonder why Christian is suddenly so willing to try "more" (gag) with her and what could have changed his mind about it. Then she remembers that he had dinner with Elena and goes into an utterly inexplicable rage because HOW VERY DARE SHE help Ana get exactly what she has wanted this whole time. THAT DEVIOUS WENCH. There's another three pages of emails where she asks him to tell her what it was that she said in her sleep, he says no, blah blah blah, she gets all annoyed and thinks how he's "Fifty shades of exasperating". Fifty Shades of DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE.
Appearances of the phrase "fifty shades": 14
Ana gets dropped off at the airport by her mother and Bob. She sits down on the plane and starts thinking about how her mother reckons Christian is in love with her but she doesn't think Christian is properly capable of love. She uses the phrase "my mother’s words waft like a zephyr through my mind" and the existence of this book wafts like a fart through my life.
According to her, being into BDSM and a spot of bondage means you hate yourself and feel like you don't deserve to be loved, which seems like an outrageously insulting thing to say about people who partake in such sexual endeavours. Ana emails Christian to update him on the fact that she's sitting down, so they go back and forth for seven emails about fuck all, where the only thing we learn is that "the situation could be better".
Appearances of the word "situation": 22 (That's just excessive.)
Ana realises that the only empty seat in first class is the one beside her, which was also the case when she was flying out to Georgia.
"I shake my head as the thought crosses my mind that Christian might have purchased the adjacent seat so that I couldn’t talk to anyone. I dismiss the idea as ridiculous – no one could be that controlling, that jealous, surely."
Hey, maybe she's just been sleepwalking her way through the entire relationship up to this point, because I can't begin to imagine that anyone could actually be that fucking stupid.
Ana eventually gets to Christian's place and he immediately demands that they take a shower together, but they end up fucking against the wall. Right before this though, he does the following:
"He steps out of his shoes and reaches down to take each of his socks off, never taking his eyes off me."
This line makes me burst out laughing every time I read it, because someone staring at you while they take their socks off is fucking hilarious to me and I honestly have no idea why. Possibly because I keep thinking of how they would end up hopping forward on one foot and trying not to faceplant into the floor during the process. Afterwards, they get into the shower and Ana ruins the sexy moment by bringing up José The Potential Rapist's photography exhibition and asks Christian if he'd like to come with her to it. He grudgingly agrees to go and Ana mentions how he seems to be "on the jealous side" when it comes to José.
“Yes, I am,” he says darkly. “And you’d do well to remember that."
FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR, GREY.
After they've eaten dinner, Christian tells Ana that he wants her to be ready and waiting in his playroom in fifteen minutes. While she's waiting for him to come in, she gets nervous about what he's going to do with her.
"After the last few days… after all he’s done, I have to man up and take whatever he decides he wants, whatever he thinks he needs."
NO YOU FUCKING DON'T. YOU DIDN'T ASK HIM TO UPGRADE YOU TO FIRST CLASS OR FUCKING FLY TO GEORGIA AFTER YOU LIKE A TOTAL PSYCHO SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GROW A GODDAMN SPINE.
Holy fuckballs, it's like feminism never happened.
He goes over the safewords that they have agreed on if she wants him to stop at any point. Once that's all sorted, he ties her to the bed, puts a blindfold and headphones on her, so she can't see or hear what he's doing and while he explains to her that he'll be able to hear what she's listening to on the headphones, he holds up "a small, flat device that looks like a very hip calculator".
ALSO KNOWN AS A FUCKING REMOTE CONTROL. CHRIST.
There's a bit of light flogging and Ana comes like a motherfucker, as she is wont to do. Later on, she wakes up alone in Christian's bed at five in the morning and finds Christian playing sad music on his piano. She tries to get him to talk about his childhood, he decides he wants to fuck on the piano, she decides she wants to talk about their relationship and the contract. He says the contract is moot at this point and he just wants her to follow the rules section of it. She asks what will happen if she breaks one of the rules. He says she'll be punished but that he'll need her permission to punish her.
She asks "What if I say no?" and he replies “If you say no, you’ll say no. I’ll have to find a way to persuade you.”
OR HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS: YOU BACK THE FUCK OFF AND RESPECT HER WISHES FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, YOU UTTER TURD OF A HUMAN.
Ana rolls her eyes at this, which gives Christian a raging horn because according to his logic, now he gets to spank her. She has already told him that she really REALLY doesn't like to be spanked, so she runs around the room with him chasing her, acting all coy and teasing him even though she's genuinely trying to get away from him and not just playing along. I honestly have no idea why she does this. Although, nothing else in this book makes sense so there's hardly any point complaining about it this late in the game.
She tells him that she feels about spanking the way he fells about her touching him. This upsets him greatly, so she backtracks a bit and tries to explain that she's worried that he'll hurt her if he's punishing her. He says he wants and needs to hurt her, but not beyond anything she can take and he won't tell her why this is because he's afraid she'll leave him. Oh and apparently Ana begged him not to leave her in her sleep. That's what has been building up for the last few chapters, a big pile of nothing. And for fuck's sake, what kind of idiot bases their relationship on something the other person said IN THEIR SLEEP? YOU'RE A FUCKING TOOL CHRISTIAN.
So Ana decides that she wants him to punish her and to show her how bad it can get, because she's labouring under the delusion that if she does this for him then she'll be able to CHANGE him or SAVE him or some such bollocks. He's - understandably - completely confused by this and repeatedly asks her if she's sure, she repeatedly says yes, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S NOT and he tells her he's going to hit her on the arse six times with a belt. So he does it and it sounds horrible and she's screaming and crying from the second blow onwards, instead of using the safewords he had drilled into her just a few hours ago.
When he's finished, he tries to comfort her and she freaks the fuck out, because she's furious with him, even though she ASKED HIM TO DO THIS. For once, this is actually not completely Christian's fault. She calls him a fucked up son of a bitch and stiffly storms off to her room and bawls her eyes out crying. She's all distraught and reckons she needs to leave him but doesn't want to and thinks stuff like "Oh, this is a dark morning of the soul for me" because she's the worst female character ever written in anything, ever.
He eventually follows her into the room all sad and tells her she should leave him, she says she doesn't want to and that she loves him, he's "horrified" (because he doesn't deserve love, I guess?) and says he can't make her happy, she says he DOES make her happy (which flies in the face of THE ENTIRE BOOK SO FAR seeing as all she's done is cry and be confused about everything) but she eventually makes up her mind and packs up her shit.
She gives Christian back the laptop, Blackberry and car keys, which also horrifies him. Then he tells her that Taylor will drive her home, she refuses and with "barely-contained fury" he says "Are you going to defy me at every turn?" At which point I think to myself, GO FUCKING FUCK YOURSELF, GREY. It's bad enough that he controlled her every move while they were together, but thinking that he can keep doing it when they're breaking up is just taking the piss. Who the fuck does he think he is?
The remaining few paragraphs of the book contain possibly the most hilariously melodramatic writing of all time. When she's getting into the lift to leave the apartment, it doesn't just go down to the basement, oh no.
"It whisks me down to the bowels of the basement and to my own personal hell."
Reading this book has been MY own personal hell.
"Embarrassment and shame washes over me. I’m a complete failure."
YES. YOU ARE. AT EVERYTHING. INCLUDING BEING A RELATABLE, LIKEABLE CHARACTER THAT I COULD GIVE A TWIRLY FUCK ABOUT.
"I had hoped to drag my Fifty Shades into the light, but it’s proved a task beyond my meager abilities."
So is understanding the concept of a remote control.
"The enormity of what I’ve done slowly washes over me. Shit – I’ve left him. The only man I’ve ever loved."
She met him ONE MONTH AGO.
"I fall onto my bed, shoes and all, and howl. The pain is indescribable… physical, mental… metaphysical… it is everywhere, seeping into the marrow of my bones."
METAPHYSICAL PAIN, YOU GUYS. She's so incredibly sad that she's completely given up on making any fucking sense AT ALL.
And that's it. The book ends with her throwing herself on her bed, clutching a deflated helicopter shaped balloon and crying her fucking face off. THE END.
References to Christian's eyes being grey: 102
References to Christian's pants hanging from his hips: 7
Appearances of the word "blush": 34
Appearances of the word "flush": 94
Amount of times I had to put this book down and say "Oh for FUCK'S SAKE" in an exasperated manner: 4,583 (Probably.)
So there you have it. A terrible story with a terrible message, terrible characters and a terrible ending. It was originally supposed to be called Master of the Universe. Sound familiar? Well it should, because Masters of the Universe is basically He-Man. You know what would have made a better story with a better message and better characters?
ANY STORY ABOUT HE-MAN.