Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Fifty Shades Of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 11)

So here's the thing. I'm still in third place in Best Blog Post. I made it into second place yesterday for a while, which was deadly and quite exciting indeed, but unfortunately I slipped back to third again by the evening. I had been nominated for Best Humour Blog and Best Pop Culture Blog too, which was brilliant, but then the shortlists were announced during the week and I didn't make the cut on either one, which was quite disappointing. So Best Post is now my only shot at an award and I have to say, I really bloody want one. It's not a particularly cool thing to say, but there you go. Also, the two people ahead of me have been shortlisted, so they have other chances to win. I don't. So if you enjoy these ragey Fifty Shades posts of mine, then PLEASE VOTE and you can vote once a week. And again, if I win, I'll read and review Fifty Shades Fucking Worse.

Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10.


So Ana predictably follows Christian up to his hotel room after knocking back the last of her Cosmo with her mother. For some reason, he greets her with "complete surprise". He's also bossing various people around on the phone, which gives Ana the opportunity to describe the hotel room to us.

"The furnishings here are ultra modern, very now. All muted dark purples and golds with bronze starbursts on the walls."

It sounds fucking horrible. This is meant to be a fancy suite in an expensive hotel in Georgia and it sounds like my how I painted my bedroom when I was fourteen.

Once he gets off the phone, she asks for an answer to her question and it turns out that no, he didn't love Mrs Robinson so she can calm the fuck down. Ana still wants to talk but Christian is just TOO DAMN SEXY so they end up boning instead. How and ever, Ana started her period yesterday, so he leads her into the bathroom, strips her off, gropes her a bit and then and then...

"He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string...what! And... gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet."

WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK.



If that was me, he'd be getting a roundhouse kick to the face for that while he was down there. FUCK away OFF, you creepy fucking FUCK. JESUS. However, Ana being Ana, she's all "holy fuck" and "oh my" as per usual. Anyway, he rides her and conveniently waits until afterwards to ask her if having period sex bothers her. SOUND. It turns out it doesn't bother her, which seems a bit strange seeing as she can't even say the word "sex" out loud without congratulating herself.

Afterwards, Ana notices small round scars on his chest and realises that they're from cigarette burns. She immediately asks if it was Mrs Robinson who did it to him, rather than, say, the crack whore biological mother he mentioned that one time and that was never brought up again. Christian gets all huffy and cross, telling her it wasn't Mrs Robinson and getting her to drop the subject when she refers to her as "Mrs Pedo". More sex, more boring chit-chat, this time about how he's paid for sex in the past, and when Ana gets all pouty because she doesn't have anything to shock him with, he reminds her how shocked he was when she wore his underpants and when she met his parents with no knickers on. My GOD, she's such a rampaging WHORE. Eventually, they go the fuck to sleep and despite the fact that she's just found out that Christian has had WAY more sexual partners than she first thought and has just told her he's paid for sex in the past, Ana has NEVER been happier in ALL HER STUPID LIFE.

The next chapter begins with a dream where Christian is in a cage, "his chest and feet are mouthwateringly naked" and he's holding a bowl of strawberries. Mouthwateringly naked feet might be the most unsexy image I've encountered since whatever the last unsexy thing in this book was, and honestly, who the fuck can keep count? It's like EL James is on a mission to ruin sex for everyone. He tries to give Ana a strawberry, only she's tethered by some unseen force and can't reach him and IT'S JUST SO DAMN MYSTERIOUS, WHAT COULD IT ALL POSSIBLY MEAN?

She's woken up from her dream by Christian, who wants her to get up because he has a surprise for her. She whines that she wants to take a shower but he doesn't let her because apparently he'll just want to have one with her and they'd end up fucking and they don't have time for that. She's SO unreasonable, doesn't she realise that he has no control over his dick? POOR CHRISTIAN.

They get into the car waiting for them outside and Christian tells Ana to choose some music, as the opera they were listening to was too depressing. Ana puts on Toxic by Britney Spears and there's this awful "Toxic, eh?", "I don't know what you mean" bullshit exchange, before he tells her that he didn't put it on his iPod, Leila did. Turns out Leila is an ex-sub of his who he finished with because she wanted "more" and he didn't. You see, he NEVER wanted more until he met Ana and her magical vagina. Also, it turns out that Mrs. Robinson is actually called Elena and for some reason this makes her even more of a threat in Ana's head, because now she's "all foreign-sounding". Wow.

They arrive at an airfield and Christian announces that they're going to "chase the dawn", as if anyone in real life who isn't an utter tossbucket talks like that. It turns out that he's going to take her flying in a glider. She looks around and describes the sky, behind "childlike clouds", which would be...clouds that look like babies? Yeah? Anyway, he gets her into her seat and she keeps going on about how bossy he is, which is normally true, but to be fair, he's an experienced pilot and she hasn't got a fucking clue what she's supposed to be doing so I'll give him this one. They get in the air and it's all lovely and peaceful and what have you. And just in case you were wishing that Ana would compare herself to Icarus again (seeing as she hardly EVER mentions it), there's this, just for you:

"The plane banks and turns as the wing dips, and we spiral toward the sun. Icarus. This is it. I am flying close to the sun, but he’s with me, leading me. I gasp at the realization."


I gasp at how fucking terrible this entire thing is. I need someone to construct a face for this book so I can punch it.

Afterwards they go for breakfast and bore me to tears with their talk of "more" and "I love that you want more" and so on. Ana then asks if she can treat him to his pancakes and his response is just hilarious, while also neatly summing up what an absolute tool this character is.

“Are you trying to completely emasculate me?”

I very nearly fell off my chair laughing at that part. She wants to pay for PANCAKES, not your mortgage, so chill the fuck out. Her not wanting to feel like a freeloading hooker is NOT ACTUALLY an affront to your manly manliness. Imagine, women wanting to PAY for stuff! As if they were EQUALS or something! Madness!

He drives her back to her mother's house without asking what her address is. "He knows it already, stalker that he is. When he pulls up outside the house, I don’t comment. What’s the point?" The POINT, Anastasia, is that STALKING IS NOT SOME CUTE AFFECTATION, YOU ABSOLUTE UNBRIDLED IDIOT.

She thanks him for the "more" and gets out of the car and there are claw marks on my desk from these fuckers constantly using the word "more" as a noun. Ana goes to her room and kicks off another email merry-go-round of assholery, where Christian mentions that she's been talking in her sleep and Ana promptly freaks out, wondering what it was she said. Even though everyone who isn't a raging moron knows that ALL sleep talking is absolute nonsense and has bollock all to do with how you actually feel about anything. For example, one time when the Bear was falling asleep, he mumbled "Do pandas....have tails like worms?" So shut up Ana.

She goes food shopping with her mother, to get stuff for dinner that night, which Christian is meant to be coming over for. Her phone rings and it's a job offer from the second place she had an interview for. When she hangs up, she tells her mother that she's gotten a job.

“Congratulations, darling! We have to buy some champagne!” She’s clapping her hands and jumping up and down. Is she forty-two or twelve?

You know what, FUCK YOU Ana. For all her innocent and shy and "Oh I'm absolutely clueless about everything except English literary heroines" schtick, she's actually a right little bitch. Her mother is excited for her and all she can do is sneer at the manner in which she is being happy for her daughter. What an absolute wagon.

Anyway it turns out that while she was on the phone, she missed a call from Christian, so she rings him back. "“Hi,” I murmur shyly." Fucking speak up, you murmuring twat. It transpires that Christian has to go back to Seattle because of some "situation" or other and can't make dinner. And while we're on the "murmuring" thing, I think it's high time we had ourselves a little word count.

Appearances of the word...

"Mutter": 50
"Mumble": 12
"Murmur":100 (ONE. HUNDRED.)
"Gasp": 46
"Whisper": 100 (WHAT THE FUCK)

How the Jaysus does anyone hear what anyone is saying in this monumentally stupid book with all this mumbling and whispering and gasping? SERIOUSLY. Fucking ri-goddamn-diculous.

(Please vote for me! Thank you!)

26 comments :

  1. I'm voting! It's MADNESS you're not in the shortlist, this is one of the best blogs around. I'm sure you'll get the blogpost one!

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  2. This is the funniest thing I've ever read - well, this morning, anyway. Love it!

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  3. The most important question here, I think, is
    Do pandas have tails like worms? Did you ever find out?
    Also, you're amazing. This series is everything I thought about 50 shades, put into a blog, only far funnier than I could ever be. =)

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    1. Haha! I think they just have little stubby fluffy tails, so not like worms at all! That's sleepy talk for you. :)

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  4. Brilliant as always. I love the No No No cat, so fitting for today's post!

    I'm voting, early and often as they say. Keep it up!

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  5. Thank you for these posts and thank you for saving me from reading these awful books. I made myself get through the first two chapters of Twilight to see what the fuss was about and there's 30 minutes of my life I'll never get back. I wish you had done a blog on those to save me from that misery. I keep voting for you, but if you don't win with this blog, meaning no Part 2, you need to have a contest where we all pick the next great literary work, or even movie, for you to comment on. You're the best.

    I'm so glad I found your blog. You make my day when I read them. I'm American, so I have a question, what is a craic? I think that's the only term I didn't get.

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    1. I'm glad you're enjoying it! And craic just means fun. It's pronounced like crack. :)

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    2. Ah. Thanks. Now I'm going back through all your old blogs. I've bookmarked you for when I need a good laugh.

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  6. They had period sex and then she went out without a shower? Just ew!

    I've been voting, and I'll remind my tweeps again. I want you to get this!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Suzaloo! They had a bath together after the period sex, but MY GOD that line is just horrible.

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    2. WAIT double EW they had a bath together after the period sex??!!! GROSSSSSSS.

      I love these posts. I read the other top blogs and none even compared to this. I can't vote again yet, I think I can tomorrow. I'll keep trying.

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    3. OMG that is disgusting!

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  7. Absolutely love these posts!! I have to admit I did enjoy reading the books but purely because sometimes you just need a trashy novel!! I'm trying to vote but nothing happens!! I['ll keep trying and keep the fingers crossed for ya!! Redlemonader FTW!!

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    1. Hi Kerry! There should be a button beside my blog name that you can click and then you have to click the Vote button down at the end of the list. Thanks!

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  8. I have been waiting for you to get to the Tampon bit. I flung the book away at that point. There's dirty and there's that. How does that stupid geebag think of these scenarios? Been voting though, using all the internet connections I can get. If you win, will you have a crack at the other two books made of toilet paper?

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  9. "Do pandas....have tails like worms?"

    I laughed so hard at that!

    I was also waiting for you to get to the tampon bit. Seriously, how fucked up is that?!

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  10. Fantastic.
    I will say, even if you "only" get third, you should go ahead and do the next 2 books so that you get nominated for some more awards. Like it or not, this is your gift. Sick and tested, but a gift, nonetheless.

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  11. This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Please PLEASE keep them coming. Thank you!! I laughed so much; I think my neighbours think I'm mad.

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  12. Voted! You've read it so I don't have to! Lovin' it and reposting this everywhere. Thanks!

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  13. Really hope you win! But if not... Ohh, please review the other two! I can't wait til you reach the end. Your blog makes having read that crap almost worth it :)

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  14. Can't stop laughing reading these! I did read the books & enjoyed them but mainly as a massive escape! My bf starte reading it & thought it was messed up so stopped lol.
    As for the period sex - this I do not get. My bf stays the hell away from me & d'you what? Suits me grand. Last thing I want to think about is removing a tampon (eugh) before hand!
    Have to say (in ref to the previous post) I have read X-Files fanfiction but never got that reference!
    Oh & I voted :)

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  15. Thank you so much for writing this, I've made a right mess of my sofa this afternoon from reading the whole lot in one sitting (if anyone asks it was the cat what done it)!

    I read the books because everyone else was talking about them (borrowed, so no forking out for such claptrap), but bejaysus they were shite. I fear for my colleagues who actually enjoyed them...

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  16. Ah Kitty you're gas!
    I was given a kindle for my birthday recently with the 3 books on it and I have to stop my self from throwing the thing out the window! you should read the 3rd one. Can't cope with how terrible they are.
    I was working with a girl recently who said she found the "sub-conscious/inner goddess" thing hilarious. What is wrong with people?!
    Anyway best of luck with the blog awards. You have my vote!

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  17. VOTED. Very funny blogpost. I havent read the book, but I'm really enjoying your reviews

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  18. I was a heeyowge X-Files fan so I got the UST reference. But it's not just in fanfic--I do not like most fanfic, don't read it--it was commonly used on message boards and discussion fora (deja news, etc.) when X-Files was big.

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