Friday, September 07, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 10)

Thanks everybody who voted for me in the Blog Awards! You can vote once a week, so any more votes you could throw my way would be HUGELY appreciated. (Click here for the voting page.) I had a lovely big leap in votes the last time I posted, but now I'm about 300 votes behind the leader, so another jump would be AMAZING. And the deal from last time still stands, if I somehow manage to win this thing, then I'll read and review Fifty Shades Darker and get furious with it here and invent new swearwords to describe Christian and Ana for your entertainment. I PROMISE.

Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.


Ana eventually arrives in Georgia without the plane crashing, despite the fact that she left her Blackberry on the whole time in order to covertly check her emails like a selfish bitch to whom the rules don't apply. She meets her mother at the airport and immediately starts crying. This is the eighth time she has burst into tears so far and it's by no means the last.

They go to the beach together and Ana's mother asks her to tell her about this man that has her "in such a spin". "How can she tell?" wonders a typically bewildered Ana, when really it's hardly rocket science since every time she's spoken to her so far in the book she's been bawling crying. "He’s very complicated and mercurial." says Ana. Mercurial. Who the fuck talks like that to their mother?

"Well, how's things with this new fella of yours?"
"Jaysus Mam, he's fierce mercurial altogether."

Right.

Let's have ourselves a little word count as to the ways in which Christian is described throughout the book.

Mercurial: 5
Beguiling: 3
Handsome: 5
Hot: 13 ("freaking hot": 4)
Beautiful: 30
A despicable psychotic fuckface: 0

Anyway, Ana's mother gives her some stupid fucking advice that isn't "ditch him, because he's a horrible person with no respect for you, your wishes or your privacy", but some bullshit about taking him literally instead of wondering what he means all the time.

"I gaze at my mom. She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all."

The more I read this sentence the less sense it makes.


Later that day, as she's getting dressed for dinner at a golf club with her mother and her mother's husband Bob, she exchanges some more emails with Christian that make me roll my eyes more times than the entire cast of this book have, combined. (That's twenty nine, in case you were interested.) It's basically the lamest cybersex ever, consisting of one-line emails about him unzipping her dress and the pair of them changing the subject line of each email to "Panting", then "Groaning" and finally "Moaning", before Ana has to leave for dinner and right before I've chewed my arm off in annoyance.

Oh, and just in case you were under the illusion that Ana might actually be wearing her own damn clothes for once, when she comes out of her room, her mother says she looks lovely and the following conversation occurs:

“Oh, this is Kate’s dress. You like it?”
Her frown deepens.
“Why are you wearing Kate’s dress?”


EXACTLY, ANA'S MA. EXACTLY.

“I’ll take you shopping tomorrow,” she says.
“Oh, Mom, you don’t need to do that. I have plenty of clothes.”


Well in that case, stop borrowing Kate's stuff you FUCKING LIAR. The fact that she gets her knickers in a twist over Christian constantly buying expensive things for her might be a little more believeable if she wasn't CONSTANTLY fucking sponging off Kate.

When they get back from dinner, the monotonous email exchange kicks off again, with Christian finishing off by saying he's meeting an old friend for dinner. Ana immediately freaks out because he's probably meeting "Mrs. Robinson", the older woman that seduced him when he was fifteen, who he's now friends with. She does a Google search for Christian in an attempt to find a picture of her and scrolls through EIGHTEEN pages of results like a total fucking nutjob.

During her search, she comes across the photos of Christian that José took for the student paper and wonders "How did they get on the Internet?", because she's a fucking moron. She also finds a picture of herself with Christian that was taken at her graduation and thinks "Holy cow! I’m on Google!". Please just let me physically reach into this book so I can choke a bitch. She emails him asking who he's having dinner with and "despondently" goes to bed, like the melodramatic pain in the hole she is.

The next day, after going shopping (let's see if she actually wears anything she owns now), Ana and her mother go for cocktails in a fancy hotel. While her mother is in the bathroom, Ana checks her emails and finds one from Christian, confirming that it was Mrs. Robinson he had dinner with. This sends Ana off into another ridiculous rage, prompting her to angrily order another Cosmopolitan and send him an unhinged message that goes like this:

She’s not just an old friend.
Has she found another adolescent boy to sink her teeth into?
Did you get too old for her?
Is that the reason your relationship finished?


His reply is positively chilling.

This is not something I wish to discuss via email.
How many Cosmopolitans are you going to drink?

FUUUUUUUUUCK! He tracked her down and is IN THE HOTEL!

My reaction.

Ana's reaction.

She actually thinks to herself "He's really here - for me.", whereas I'd be thinking "Holy fucking Christbags, he's here to murder me." Words cannot describe how much of a twat this girl is. She introduces her mother to him as Carla, and he immediatey calls her Mrs. Adams, when even WE didn't know what Bob's surname was until this point. This man is fucking TERRIFYING.

Anyway, Carla practically wets herself when Christian smiles at her, instead of slamming a mallet into his balls for stalking her daughter halfway across the country and making her cry all the fucking time. Next thing, Ana is suddenly worried that he'll be mad at her for having a drink with her mother.

"We decided on a few cocktails this evening", I mutter, feeling that I owe him some sort of explanation.

YOU DON'T OWE HIM AN EXPLANATION YOU GOWL, YOU'RE A GROWN FUCKING WOMAN. Carla invites him to have dinner with them the following evening and excuses herself so the two of them can talk. Ana goes back to being mad at him for seeing Mrs. Robinson, he explains that they're just friends and that she was a good thing for him at the time and what he needed, and not an evil paedophile like Ana keeps insisting she is. She asks him if he was in love with her, but he doesn't get to answer because Carla has just returned.  

"Did he love her? I think if he did, I will lose it, big time."

Because HOW DARE HE have loved someone over TEN YEARS before he ever met Ana. The absolute CHEEK of some people. Christian says goodbye to them and goes back to his room. Carla reckons he's a catch and doesn't seem at all concerned by the fact that he's a stalker because when you're rich and good looking that kind of behaviour is totally romantic, obviously. She even fans herself "theatrically" and says "the UST in here - it's unbearable". I had to look up what UST means. The first result is University of Santo Tomas in the Phillipines, but I suppose it's hardly that. The fourth result seems more likely, and it's an entry in the Urban Dictionary.

"Unresolved Sexual Tension. Abreviation used in fanfiction, mainly for X-Files stories, to describe the status in a relationship."

Ah, OF COURSE. You know who reads X-Files fanfiction? NO ONE.*

*Alright, that's probably not entirely true, but you get my point. 

(Also, please vote!)

22 comments :

  1. "Words cannot describe how much of a twat this girl is." You're doing a good job of that - keep it up!

    "I mutter, feeling that I owe him some sort of explanation."
    Just why does she mutter and mumble so much?

    Love it. Keep reading :)

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  2. That Home Alone gif sent me into a fit of laughing - it was just the perfect reaction to him turning up!

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  3. "Well, how's things with this new fella of yours?"
    "Jaysus Mam, he's fierce mercurial altogether."

    Brilliant stuff, have literally - yes, literally!! - been laughing out loud reading these! Keep them coming!

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  4. Christian is described throughout the book.

    Mercurial: 5
    A despicable psychotic fuckface: 0

    love it!

    I had to look up Mercurial though. Also can we all club together and take a hit out on EL James so that she doesn't write any more of this TRIPE!

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  5. These posts never fail to make my day. I can't believe E. L. James has managaged to publish THREE of these travesties!

    I also read an interview with her husband the other day in which he revealed that he helped her edit every section of this fucking book. It's the equivalent of a parent taking their child to the X Factor when their singing sounds like the mating call of an amarous fox! Ugh.

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  6. These posts just keep getting more and more hilarious each time. THANK YOU for taking it for the team ('the team' being the few remaining women who refuse to read/ are totally unimpressed by this drivel). I have voted for you and will continue to do so but either way I am sorry to say but I think it is your duty to womankind to continue to review each of these books. I am very grateful that you are willing to risk injuring yourself for the sake of getting it out there how ridiculous these lumps of shit are. keep it up :-)

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  7. I assume you have seen the Alex Reads Twilight series on youtube. He does basically the same thing you are doing but for Twilight. It's almost as hilarious as this. You should check it out.

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  8. As I said in a previous comment, aside from the HILARITY (!!!) of these posts, as a feminist I am deeply alarmed that these books are being word-of-mouthed (hey I can make up words too...) as "mommy porn" when the main character is a young woman, and if it's porn, it must be outta hustler not playboy. I could be wrong (heck I am a lot) but my understanding of the BDSM community is that it has to be mutually consensual from the outset with both parties in complete agreement about who will play which role and how that will play out. The BDSM community has taken strong measures to protect themselves and to dispel stereotypes, and this book does nothing but a disservice to that work. Christian is clearly a sociopath. When I looked at EL James' website FAQ's (sheesh) the most disturbing part (besides, um, all of it)was what she wrote about how she comes up with ideas for her "novels": "I start off with a very simple premise. In the case of the Fifty Shades Trilogy my premise was, What would happen if you were attracted to somebody who was into the BDSM lifestyle, when you weren’t?" This person is NOT "into the BDSM lifestyle," he is a sociopathic stalker with deep rooted emotional issues!!! Also "simple premise", well at least she's honest about being a complete idiot. Sorry, can't help myself.

    P.S. I love you/this/keep 'em comin' please/no pun intended

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  9. Ugh I meant to write "a young woman without any children"

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  10. Brilliant as always. Hilarious. The more I read this series the more I wonder at MYSELF for reading the original book. What was I THIKNING?!

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    1. Same here, although can't believe I downloaded the next two to see what happens to this silly cow!!!

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  11. One laugh away from wetting myself laughing, the hotel part creeped the shit out of me too, also the x-files fanfic reference..... WHO WOULD GET THAT?!!??!!

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    1. I hadn't a clue thought it was some American air conditioning thingy that was broke!!

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  12. Ah, this is just so brilliant! God, I can't seriously believe, and don't really want to either, that this has even been published as fanfiction AND apparently gotten good reviews! I've read so much better fanfiction, though not on Twilight so maybe that explains it, nothing good can come from such shit. And I also read that interview on E.L's husband, either he's a really sucky editor or just didn't want to anger his wife. Apparently he has also written a book, I kinda want to see that one just to know if he's any better, though I doubt it.

    I voted for you, twice actually already! I read the posts that are currently ahead of you and though they are good and funny too, I personally prefer yours just because I hate the attention this piece of shit has been given and how it is now somehow so empowering to women. Your reviews spell out everything that is so wrong with this and how bad it actually is. I didn't know there even was a market for this stuff, maybe those mummies who read this haven't found internet porn yet. But now since this load of crap has sold so well, there's gonna be lots more of it. They have now translated this into my native language as well, God help us all.

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  13. Oh my gosh.... These make my day! I've of course voted for you, I need your "darker" reviews in my life like Ana needs your hands around her neck, soon, and for a LONG time!

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  14. You have to win Kitty, your posts are fantastic! Ana's ma is on her fourth husband & reads X-files fanfiction, yep Ana never had a chance!

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  15. Thank you so much for reviewing this book so hilariously. I LOVE IT!! (your take on it, not the shitpile that is this book).

    Two things that also really bug me:

    1. OK, I'm American, but I've lived in Ireland for 10 years and my mother is Irish. It REALLY really annoys me that this book is supposedly set in Seattle, but the characters use all of these Britishisms in their conversation, saying that they'll 'fetch' things, and Christian whips Ana with a 'plaited' leather whip, and then some other twat has a 'smart leather rucksack.' Even the fact that they sign their emails with an 'x' at the end. Um, Americans don't do that / talk like that!! Is editing the American/British vocab THAT difficult? (the answer: apparently, yes.)

    Another thing - it is completely non-believable that Ana, after spending the night with Christian for the first time, decides to wake up the next morning, put her hair in 'bunches' (another annoying Britishism in Seattle), listen/sing to music, go through his kitchen, and make pancakes??? Who does that in someone else's house, someone you've just hooked up with, whom you don't even know?? Ridic.

    Anyway, I can't wait for Volume 11! Keep up the awesome work! :-)

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  16. I voted for you, you beast. Love the stuff, keep it coming. If you don't review the 2nd book, whatever nonsense it's called, I might top meself.

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  17. OMG This was fucking hilarious! Loved this review! "Holy fucking christbags he's here to murder me!" this just killed me xD

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  18. people read fanfiction.that is how this book became a sensation. it was attracting tremendous readers during it's twilight fanfiction days and an independent publisher decided to publish it. that is how sylvia day and beautiful distaer series came on..they all are riding the fifty shades coat-tail and fifty shades was riding twilight's. that is why the book has such disturbing theme, even though there are text which sometimes become sarcastic towards it's source material :-P

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