Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 9)

Apologies for the lack of posting last week folks, I'm on holidays from work at the moment and was busy having fun in Belfast, bouncing up and down to Foo Fighters. Anyway, exciting news! Volume 1 of Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery has been nominated for Best Blog Post in the Irish Blog Awards! It's a public vote and you can vote once a week. I'm pretty far behind at the moment but I'd really appreciate it if you could throw a vote my way. Aaaand seeing as I'm so far back right now, if by some mad miracle I manage to catch up and actually win, I PROMISE that I'll review Fifty Shades Darker. Until now I had figured that the risk of it making me want to jam a pen in my eye would be too high, but if I win, I'll bloody well take that risk. You can vote here or there's a link over there on the sidebar. So, onwards to Volume 9!

Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8.


So after Christian and Ana are done gnawing on each other's faces in the lift, they head for bed. Christian removes Ana's dress "like a magician" i.e. pulls it over her head. Ana then decides that she doesn't want "to fuck", as Christian puts it, but wants to "make love". Urgh. Not only that, she also wants to touch him, which he never lets her do because he's all weird about her going near his chest. He gets all cross with her so she goes off to the bathroom, only to be surprised, nay SHOCKED by her reflection. "After all I've done today, it's still the same ordinary girl gaping back at me." Close your fucking mouth, Anastasia. Or don't. With any luck a fly might buzz down your throat and choke you to death.

Christian pouts for a bit because he's an overgrown fucking brat, so Ana bargains with him and says that if he tells her why she can't touch him, she'll let him spank her. He produces a set of Ben Wa balls, puts them in her mouth and then his in order to lube them up, at which point Ana thinks "Fuck, this is sexier than the toothbrush". She brushed her teeth with his toothbrush earlier. Apparently this is a sexy thing to do. I'm losing the will to live.

He gets her to walk around a bit with the Ben Wa balls inside her, Ana says "oh" about a million fucking times and makes the following observation: "There's a foil packet, ready and waiting, like me." Apart from the fact that that line is HILARIOUSLY terrible, the similarities end there, seeing as a condom wrapper probably has a higher IQ than she does. Anyway, Christian spanks her, it's "a quagmire of sensation" (SEXY, RIGHT?) then pulls the balls out and fucks her. Afterwards, she demands he keeps his end of the deal. Here's what he says:

"The woman who brought me into this world was a crack-whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep."

Oh right, grand. GOODNIGHT SO.

Also, this:

WTF

Ana wakes up alone the next morning and thinks about how she's "in this fantasy apartment, having fantasy sex with my fantasy boyfriend". Even though she keeps going on about how the apartment is more like an art gallery than a home and repeatedly calls it a "mission statement", so it's not actually her idea of a fantasy apartment at all. She never even considered sex before meeting Christian, so I'm at a loss as to how it's fantasy sex that she's having and she's almost constantly treading on eggshells around Christian, who is always either scaring her or giving out to her, so would we really call him a fantasy boyfriend? REALLY? Anyway, she wanders off to find Christian in his study being all obnoxious and business-y on the phone and within three sentences, she uses the word "beautiful" five times while looking at him. FIVE times. In THREE sentences. JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST.

They end up having sex on his desk, before which we're notified of the foil packet being pulled out of his pocket, just like in every other sex scene up to now and hey this foil packet is just like me, being torn apart by how fucking awful this book is.

Appearances of the words "foil"/"foil packet": 16 (SO sexy.)

As she's coming, Ana tells us how he's "pushing me higher, higher to the castle in the air" after already saying "castle in the air" and "castle in the sky" since the start of the chapter. Which was two and a half pages ago.

They have breakfast together and he asks if she's bought her ticket to Georgia. He tells her he has a jet and she says she'd rather take a scheduled flight. He asks if she'll miss him, she says yes, then thinks "He's got right under my skin...literally."


Ana has interviews today for jobs in publishing houses before she catches her flight to Georgia and when we meet her again she's waiting to be seen at the second one. She's brought into the room by a woman with "long, black, pre-Raphaelite hair" even though pre-Raphaelite hair is red, but whatever. Also, Ana describes how she's wearing Kate's dress for the interview and I've actually just snarled a bit at this book. The interview goes fine, although she's unnerved by the dude doing the interviewing because he said her name softly and used the word "indulge" during their conversation. I suppose given the fact that every other man she knows is constantly trying to have sex with her, maybe it's understandable that she's wary of anyone with a penis.

She gets back home and mentions how beautiful Kate is (which she's being doing all along by the way, but dammit I can only make fun of a certain amount of things at a time) and tells her to cop on and stop antagonising Christian. Kate admits that she's doing it on purpose in order to somehow help him with his commitment issues. She's definitely trying to have her murdered for contstantly taking her clothes. Ana goes off to her room and has us endure about three pages of boring as fuck emails between her and Christian, which basically boil down to her asking if his sexy housekeeper is an ex-sub of his. She's not. There. That took three pages.

Later on, Kate drops Ana off at the airport and discovers during check-in that she's been upgraded to first class. Which would be nice, only for the fact that it's obviously Christian's doing and he's a terrifying psychopath who has managed to find out what flight she's on despite her not actually telling him what time she was leaving or which airline she was taking.

Ana has herself a massage and a manicure in the first class lounge and opens up her laptop "hoping to test the theory that it works anywhere on the planet".

Photobucket

Then again, this is a girl who was quite recently amazed to have her own email address so maybe she's not ready for the concept of wi-fi just yet.

She sends Christian an email making light of how his "stalking knows no bounds" (because being stalked to a disturbing degree is SO ADORABLE YOU GUYS) and mentions that she's had a back massage. He replies immediately asking who gave her a massage because all other men who touch her must be destroyed on sight. Ana hugs herself with "mischievous glee" and sends him an email specifically to wind him up, going on about how a "pleasant young man" gave her the massage and is all delighted with herself that he's "going to flip out". Even though five pages ago she was giving Kate shit for doing EXACTLY THAT. I hope her plane fucking crashes.

Christian replies with a threat to lock her in a crate the next time she goes on a plane and she's not sure if he's serious or not, which, you know should be yet another clue to RUN THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM. Also, she continues to email him on her Blackberry after being told by cabin crew to put it away because the lives of everyone else on board clearly don't matter to her. Also, when the "disembodied voice" (INTERCOM, Anna. They've been around for like EIGHTY YEARS) of the flight attendant says "cabin crew, doors to automatic and cross check" she wonders "What does that mean? Are they closing the doors?". Can we PLEASE tie her to the runway and have the plane taxi right over her face? PLEASE?

And breathe. Also don't forget to vote! Thank you!

14 comments :

  1. "a condom wrapper probably has a higher IQ than she does"

    "Can we PLEASE tie her to the runway and have the plane taxi right over her face? PLEASE?"

    ahahahahahahahaaha brilliant! I know these books are torture but your blog posts are amazing, keep them up for as long as your sanity holds out!

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  2. "Can we PLEASE tie her to the runway and have the plane taxi right over her face? PLEASE?"

    Yes we most certainly can!

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  3. +1 on the "Can we PLEASE tie her to the runway and have the plane taxi right over her face?" Also, just to throw it out there, can we also do it to EL James for subjecting the world to such awful shit?

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  4. Great post, I love reading these. "Can we PLEASE tie her to the runway and have the plane taxi right over her face? PLEASE?" God yes, please. If someone was threatening to put me in a crate I'd be running as far away as possible. She really is as dumb as a box of rocks.

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  5. I just voted,I hope you win this is so much funnier than reading the actual crappy book.You sure deserved to be nominated;)

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  6. Just gets better and better! Loving the use of the Princess Bride. I've voted :)

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  7. 'what does that mean? Are they closing the doors?' I can't believe anyone would write this crap let alone that so many people are reading it - argh!!!! You definitely deserve to win an award for your blog - its pure genius and I appreciate your suffering of reading the book so I don't have to!

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  8. Briliant as always..thanks..off to vote now :)

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  9. I have a pain in my stomach from laughing, I lost it at the first gif - I'd forgotten several parts of this wad of shit, it's like I'm re-reading it, only it's funny!

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  10. Does Ana actually own any clothes or whats going on there. Maybe none of her literary heroines ever had to deal with going to a shop so she's not sure how to deal with tills and dressing rooms and such

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  11. Love these, voted for you, keep 'em coming! I haven't read the book, this way I get to know what everyone is referencing without actually wading through the shite itself. Merci!

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  12. HOLY SHIT this is the funniest thing I've read in a LONG time. Haven't actually even looked at the inside of the book but don't need to now! Thank you!!! I thought it was about sex, it's really naughty was what everyone was saying, but it's not. It's about sexual violence. My guess is the REAL S&M community isn't too thrilled about it? I'm also questioning whether EL James is a real person or if it's some kind of computer program... it could happen. Crazier things have. P.S. I voted for you. Hells yeah. And told all my friends family strangers :)

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  13. Seriously brilliant.
    Oh how I just love to be stalked!!!
    Keep writing and I will keep voting.

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  14. I knew it! A Belfast cuddy! I've been laughing my arse off, thinking to myself that this could be an any drinking night in Belfast rant. Glad yer gettin fair play for all yer work. Keep it up and will surely keep voting.

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Hey hot stuff! If you leave a comment I'll give you a present.

Maybe.

 
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