Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 8)

I really didn't think this through, you know. I only meant to do a Sweet Valley High-style review post of this stupid book and eight posts later I'm only around two thirds of the way through recapping the whole sorry thing. Right, Volume 8. Let's remove any pointy implements from the immediate area and do this!

Catch up: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7.


Anastasia, tired from all the sex they've been having, takes a nap and is woken up half an hour before they have to leave. They're going to meet Christian's parents for dinner at their house, along with Kate and Elliot and Christian's sister, Mia. As she's getting dressed, Ana realises that she can't find her knickers and then remembers that Christian put them into his pocket earlier before they had sex.

She decides not to ask for them back and acts like she's the first person in the world who has ever gone commando. As they're leaving, she constantly mentions the fact and then starts to panic that she's about to meet his parents while knickerless, as if his mother has x-ray vision or something. Then she thinks "I'm almost outside with No Panties!" Oh my god, shut the fuck up Ana and I have no idea why the N and P were capitalised there. Probably because E.L. James had roofied her editor at this stage. And just in case we'd forgotten that she wasn't wearing her knickers, she immediately mentions her "state of wanton undress." Yeah Ana, you're SUCH a WHORE.

E.L. James's editor was last seen helping this guy lift a sofa into his van.

When they get to the house and meet the parents, Christian's sister can be heard screeching "Is she here?", comes "barrelling down the hall" and "hugs her hard". All of which quite honestly makes her sound like a fucking nutjob. Imagine meeting your boyfriend's sister for the first time and her carrying on like that? Jesus, you'd be out that door as fast. Anyway they sit at the table for dinner, once Mia has calmed the fuck down and put her pants back on and Christian's dad mentions that Elliot is going to join Kate on holiday with her family in Barbados.

"I glance at Kate, and she grins, her eyes bright and wide. She's delighted. Katherine Kavanagh, show some dignity!"

Yeah Kate, stop looking so happy, you TRAMP. Daddy Grey asks Ana if she has any holiday plans, and she says she was thinking about visiting her mother in Georgia for a few days, which sends Christian into a silent and barely suppressed, jaw-clenching rage because how VERY DARE she want to see her mother without running it by him first.

“This conversation is not over,” he whispers threateningly as we enter the dining room.

FUCKING CHARMING. I seriously hate this character. And I hate this book for trying to romanticise what is quite clearly an emotionally abusive relationship. And I hate that there are about a million Tumblr blogs out there swooning over this all-star asshole.

At dinner, Kate inexplicably provokes Christian further by asking Ana how Jose was when she met him for a drink a few days beforehand, in some bizarre attempt to make Christian jealous. I have literally no idea what the fuck she's playing at here. Every character in this book is a certified geebag.

So Christian is super angry with Ana at this stage and she's so worried that she thinks of running away to Georgia altogether and not coming back. She also gets all annoyed that a serving girl called Gretchen keeps eye-fucking Christian, even though he's oblivious to her. This is just more of her being unable to make her fucking mind up about anything, but at this stage nothing that anyone does makes any sense in this book. It's just a bunch of idiots doing random, infuriating crap.

Mia starts going on about living in Paris and how great it is "In spite of the Parisians." Actually Mia, it's great in spite of fucking annoying loud-ass tourists like you. As she's banging on about the city, she ends up "lapsing at one point into fluent French" which everyone thinks is hilarious and I think that if I was there I'd have lobbed my wine glass at her face, the pretentious twat.

Meanwhile Christian has been groping Anastasia under the table for the last while, as she tries to keep her knees together and when dessert is finished, he asks loudly if she wants a tour of the grounds.

"I know I’m meant to say yes, but I don’t trust him."

WELL IF YOU DON'T FUCKING TRUST HIM THEN WHY THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE AND ENTERTAINING THE NOTION OF BEING HIS SUBMISSIVE YOU FUCKING GOWL? I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

He drags her off to the boathouse, even picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder like a sack of spuds because he's SO MANLY AND SUCH A BIG ROMANTIC VIKING and announces that he's going to spank and then fuck her because he's so mad at her. Lovely. When they get inside and upstairs, she pleads with him not to spank her and he has the fucking audacity to look surprised, despite the fact that she clearly told him she didn't like it the last time. He then lists off the reasons why he's so mad at her, in case we'd already forgotten. One of which is the fact that she closed her legs under the table, i.e. said no to him. So being told no makes him mad and turns him on. Well that's not worrying AT ALL.

They have sex and Christian tells her not to come or he'll spank her. Sound. It actually must have been quite difficult for Ana, seeing as all he has to do is grab her boob and jiggle it a bit to make her orgasm. Soon after they've finished, Mia comes barging into the downstairs of the boathouse looking for them because she probably wants to fuck Ana too, just like everyone else in the book does.

As Ana gets her knickers back off Christian and makes herself presentable, we're treated to some more bewilderingly bad repetition.

"I scowl back at him, hastily restore my panties to their rightful place, and stand with as much dignity as I can muster in my just-fucked state. Quickly, I attempt to smooth my just-fucked hair."

Just-fucked. Just-fucked. Just-fucked. THERE ARE OTHER WORDS, E.L. JAMES. And this is someone who goes out of their way to show off with ridiculous words like "syllabub". (Really. It's what they had for dessert. Kill me now.)

I looked "syllabub" up, to find out what the fuck it is. IT'S CREAM. FANCY CREAM. FUCK YOU, E.L. JAMES FOR WASTING MY GODDAMN TIME WITH THIS BULLSHIT.

As they're going back to the house, Christian tells Ana that he still wants to spank her. “I will do it again, Anastasia, and soon,” he threatens quietly close to my ear. KICK HIM IN THE FACE AND RUN AWAY, ANA. They come back to find Kate and Elliot are leaving, and as she's saying goodbye to Kate, Ana tells her they need to talk about her riling Christian up on purpose. Then Kate says:

“He needs antagonizing, then you can see what he’s really like. Be careful, Ana – he’s so controlling,” she whispers.

See what he's really like? So she's trying to put her in danger on purpose? Wait! I've got it! Kate is so fed up with Ana constantly sponging off her and never bothering to buy her own damn dresses to fuck Christian in that she's going to keep provoking him until he murders Ana in a fit of rage. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. Kate, you diabolical genius!

Anyway, Christian and Ana decide to go too and all the remaining Greys hug Ana and manage to stop short of humping her leg, because for some reason everyone in this book seems to think she's totally amazing and not actually a complete fucking moron.

As Taylor, Christian's manservant dude, is driving them home, Ana tells Christian that she wants to go to Georgia to have some time to think. He asks if she's having second thoughts, she says maybe, he asks why. It turns out it's not actually because he's a dangerous psycho who scares the shit out of her, constantly threatens her with a spanking she doesn't want and stalks the living fuck out of her.

No, it's because she thinks she loves him but that he just thinks of her as a toy. At this point we're told the car is going over a bridge and I'm mentally willing Taylor to drive off the edge and jump out of the car just in time to save himself.

They get to Christian's place and in the lift, she bites her lip without realising (again), so he gets her to stop (AGAIN). Then:

Bending down, he clamps his teeth around my lower lip and pulls gently. [...] I reciprocate, fastening my teeth over his top lip, teasing him, and he groans.

They're just biting each other's faces. SEXY. And speaking of lip biting and lips in general...

Amount of times Anastasia bites her lip: 35 (Her lower lip must be an absolute state.)

Amount of times Christian gets her to/tells her to stop: 22

Amount of times Christian brushes her lip with his thumb: 10

(He spends most of their time together either pointing out that she's biting her lip, telling her to stop, pulling at her chin so her teeth will "release" her lip, or brushing his thumb against her lip. Loves an aul lip, so he does.)

Amount of times Christian's lips either "quirk up" or "twitch": 26

And as we're counting things that twitch...

References to Christian's palm twitching: 10

He must have a desperate dose of the shakes.

22 comments :

  1. Honestly, these posts make my day! So funny! And your saving me the effort of actually reading this pile of crap - you should get an award for services to Humankind!

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  2. I can't cope - tears streaming down my face when i'm reading these-please don't stop!! I was so excited when i saw you had another instalment done. Well done you, brilliant stuff!! I would definitely buy the book...:-))

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  3. I love love love you for being outraged enough about her patheticness that you do the horror justice...WHY WHY WHY is this book popular aaaaaaaaaaaaa it just makes me insane and I don't have the punctuation to emphasize it at all.....

    Thank you, though. Thank you. Please may ten thousand people read your blog first and NOT give the author any more royalties for fetishizing abuse and stalkery and thesaurus vomit.

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  4. 'He must have a desperate dose of the shakes'. Bwahahahaha! He has a desperate dose of malevolence. This has to be the most unsexy character fiction ever produced!

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  5. Just had to send you this. Some twatbag has given EL James even more money to bring 'heroine Anastasia Steele's wardrobe to fiction-hungry shoppers'.

    http://skyliving.sky.com/fifty-shades-of-grey-author-el-james-inks-deals-for-three-clothing-lines-based-on-the-book

    doesn't she borrow them all from her douche of a roommate?

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  6. I read this trilogy when it all the fuss was made,but seriously, you should get a book deal for this shit,I have laughed my ass off for all 8 volumes of tedious fuckery so far. Really brightens my working week!!

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  7. These are so funny that I almost want to read the second one but I can't, it's too shit. Also, I didn't know what a syllabub was, but I imagined some huge gelatinous extravaganza, not a tumbler full of fucking Springcool.

    The amount of admiration for Christian Grey scares me too, I've seen so many posts on FB in particular referring to him as 'every woman's dream man' - he's not my fucking dream man, my dream man would kick his hole and wear his testicles as earrings and then drive to his office and blow it to smithereens before riding off on a big black bike. So now.

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    Replies
    1. Miss GE, you are obviously eyeing up MY dream man, a heinous transgression for which either of the insecure jealous geebags in this abysmal book would probably have you sacked after buying out your company. The C***s.

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  8. "It actually must have been quite difficult for Ana, seeing as all he has to do is grab her boob and jiggle it a bit to make her orgasm."

    Made me laugh out loud!!!

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  9. You are brilliant! Just brilliant. :-)

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  10. Ohmigod, this is having me in STITCHES! AGAIN! As I said before, keep on blogging (and, therefore, reading) - its for a good purpose and balm for anyone who tortured him/herself through that pile of crap. BTW, Ana can use her lower lip as a dinghy. And Christian is such a c***! (Sorry for using the c-word but it's true, innit?)

    Anyway: I LOOOOVE this blog! Kitty, you are a marvel!

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  11. Ahhh love these!! How the Frack! Is this book so popular?! It's an absolute disgrace how rich that woman is from writing utter nonsense! I'm so disappointed and confused when I read fb posts by my genuinely sound and smart female friends raving about this pile of crap! One step back for feminism so! Sad!

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  12. I can't put into words how much I love this. Too funny!

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  13. I'm so glad I don't have to actually read this book to see just how terrible it is! Thanks for taking one for the team!

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  14. Absolutely hilarious !!!!!!!! I`d only read the first few chapters, then got bored and not carried on .... I much prefer your versions !!! PMSL !! Keep em coming ;)

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  15. Please keep writing. I know it means that you have to keep reading the books but his blog has made me laugh so much.
    Thank you for exposing these characters for the jerks that they are.

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  16. You are AWESOME!!!... haven't read these books... don't plan on ever reading these books... but I wish your blogs would go on and on :-)

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  17. have read all 8 of your volumes in one sitting. My inner goddess is lying on the floor twitching as she can't quite catch her breath from laughing - pure genius - someone give KC £20million or so now! (on second thoughts wait until she's finished the book...)

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  18. Hilarious ,I have never laughed so much. Brilliant stuff! I cannot wait for the next installment.

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  19. Syllabub, mmmm (I think of it as southern egg nog--it's half and half, sugar, brandy and chablis (and I think eggs) all whipped into one delicious confection). We have it at Christmas.

    Hilarious recaps, BTW.

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  20. Your blog has completely ruined my plans for tomorrow. I'm going to be fucking knackered all day, thanks to your posts being so addictive. Instead of going to bed at any point over the last three hours, I've read all your Sweet Valley High reviews, and 8 of the Fifty Shades of Grey posts, and have most likely kept everyone else in my house awake too, laughing away manically in my bedroom. Seriously, you haven't just denied me a good night's sleep, my whole family is suffering because of your brilliance. Stop being so fucking hilarious.

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