Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 5)

Well the reaction to these posts continues to be ridiculously amazing and lovely so thank you AGAIN to everyone who's reading, tweeting and sharing them. You're all brilliant. Onwards to Volume 5!

(If you need to catch up, here are Volumes 1, 2, 3 and 4)


Just as Christian and Ana have finished fucking, they can hear that his mother is in the hallway and about to burst in on the two of them in bed, only Taylor – Grey’s assistant or Number One or whatever – explains that Christian is not alone in the bedroom. Ana’s all “she’s practically walked in on us in flagrante delicto”, like anyone actually talks like that. Shut up Ana. She wants to hide in the bedroom and Christian actually THREATENS her like a total dickbag, saying:  

“I will expect you in that room in five minutes, otherwise I’ll come and drag you out of here myself in whatever you’re wearing.”

Because that’s exactly how you want to introduce your new girlfriend/plaything to your mother, manhandling her out of a bedroom, while she cries and tries to cover herself up with one hand and pull her pants up with the other. FUCK YOU, Christian, you utter PRICK.

Instead of telling him to stop being such a dick, she gets her act together and is introduced to Dr. Grace Trevelyan Grey. All I can think is DO NOT STEAL HER CORN! SHE WILL SEND YOU TO AUSTRALIA PRISON! (I realise that if you're not familiar with the Fields of Athenry, that makes no sense whatsoever. Sorry.) Ana’s phone rings and she assumes it’s Kate and answers it without checking the number, as if anyone in the year 2011 who owns a mobile phone has ever done that. It turns out it’s José, demanding to know where she is, like he has any right to demand anything after getting all rapey with her. She brushes him off and hangs up, so naturally as soon as his mother leaves, Christian goes into possessive jerk mode, glaring at her for talking to someone else who has a penis. But it's ok for him to act that way guys, because he's, like, a total dreamboat.

He tells her to read over the contract and do some research into the whole dominant/submissive thing. She says “Research?” like she doesn’t know what this foreign concept is, even though she’s somehow completed four years of college. College in America is pretty expensive, as far as I know and so far it seems to me that her education was one hell of a way to waste money. She might as well have just set fire to a mound of cash. Christian clarifies that he means using the internet, and y’know, GOOGLING stuff, which she appears to be unfamiliar with. We find out why that is when she reveals that she doesn’t own a computer or laptop. Excuse me? People had laptops when I was in college six years ago, for fuck’s sake. WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US HERE IN REALITY, ANA?

A Lap Top? What witchcraft is this?

He drives her back home from Seattle, but on the way they stop for food, because, you know, "YOU MUST EAT, ANASTASIA". He orders wine for them both, even though she didn't want wine but he's a fucking jerk and what she wants doesn't matter. At one point he smiles at her, prompting her to inform us of the following: "my stomach pole vaults over my spleen." Isn't that a hernia?

Over lunch, Christian reveals that one of his mother's friends seduced him and made him her submissive when he was fifteen, so now we see that he's all damaged and the only thing to fix him is Ana's virginial love or some shit like that. Then there's some more of him telling her to eat and a lot of me sighing in an exasperated manner and saying "for FUCK'S SAKE, just SHUT UP".

They get back to her house and she's suddenly all "bereft" again because he's going to leave. She tells him that she's wearing his underwear, which she pulled on earlier in a panic when his mother turned up, and "Christian's mouth drops open, shocked." Really? It's not actually that shocking at all. This is a man who apparently engages in hardcore bondage and OWNS A SEX DUNGEON and he's shocked that a girl is wearing his jocks. Get a fucking grip, Grey.

While she's at home, José rings her again to apologise for the whole forcing himself on her thing and instead of telling him to go fuck himself, she forgives him, because self-esteem is overrated anyway.

After giggling with Kate about how sore their vaginas are from all the sex they've both been having (no, really), Ana heads off to bed, as she's tired from her "carnal exertions" (ugh, look at me, I know words) and has a read over Christian's contract. There are around seven pages of mind-numbingly boring detail spelling out the entire thing, at the end of which she's scoffing angrily and shaking her head in disbelief. So you'd think that with this quite obviously being something she's not into, she would just say no, you're grand thanks. THE END. But there's two hundred or so pages to go yet (not to mention two entire books of further drivel) so there's no way we'd be that lucky.

The next morning, a shiny new MacBook arrives at her door, complete with a ponytailed man to set it up for her. He activates her email account and her ACTUAL REACTION is the following:  

"I have an email address?"

OH COME THE FUCK ON! I MIGHT get over the fact that she didn't have a laptop of her own until now, but does EL James ACTUALLY expect us to believe that someone WHO WAS BORN IN 1990 and WENT TO COLLEGE doesn't have an email address? REALLY? I want to physically pull Anastasia out of this book with the express purpose of setting fire to her.

She manages to get her head around this technological wonder in order to email back and forth with Christian, sending pointless, one-line messages like "I had a very good day at work" and "What would you suggest I put into a search engine?". Really, Ana? Just fucking Google some words for Christ's sake, it's not rocket science.

She also says stuff like "I fire up the laptop" and "I fire up Google", like they're both things she has to shovel coal into or crank a handle on in order for them to work. I'm beginning to suspect that EL James has never used a computer and that this entire book happened because she accidentally dropped a typewriter down a flight of stairs and this is the resulting stream of nonsensical bullshit.

Hang on, I'm just opening Wikipedia.

So Ana reads up on the basics of being a submissive, goes for a run in order to think it over and decides to email him with her thoughts on the matter. Which all seems reasonable enough, only instead of doing what she JUST SAID she would, she emails this to him instead:

Okay, I’ve seen enough.
It was nice knowing you.
Ana


I press send, hugging myself, laughing at my little joke.

What? Hugging herself? Little joke? WHAT? I have no idea why she does this or thinks this would be so hilarious. Anyway, he doesn't reply so she pouts and starts packing up her room, as she's moving to Seattle to live with Kate in a place Kate's parents have bought because she's a massive fucking freeloader. Some time passes and as she's reading over the contract again, something catches her eye, causing her to look up, only to see CHRISTIAN FUCKING GREY IN THE DOORWAY OF HER BEDROOM. HOLY FUCK, RUN AWAY FROM THIS TERRIFYING MAN, ANA.

He says how serene and peaceful her room is, even though in my experience, a room that's in the process of being packed up for a move tends to be anything but. Ana composes herself by saying that her medulla oblongata recalls its purpose, which, incidentally is the third time she mentions her medulla oblongata in the book. These are the other times:

"And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells..." 

"..my medulla oblongata has neglected to fire any synapses to make me breathe."

If your medulla oblongata did indeed neglect to fire any synapses then I'm pretty sure you'd be dead. I don't know why EL James insists on saying it so much because no amount of medical terminology can save this book from being the worst written pile of wank I have ever encountered.

Anyway, there's yet another irritating "Stop biting your lip", "I didn't realise I was biting my lip" exchange, and Christian says:

“And you decided that it was nice knowing me? Do you mean knowing me in the biblical sense?”

Hey Christian, NO ONE EVER MEANS IT IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE. Unless they're actually someone FROM THE BIBLE. NOW GO AWAY.

Here Moses, c'mere to me so I can know the face off ya.

His eyes blaze some more and at this stage I feel like throwing a glass of water at his face to put the fire out. He's also described as "waiting, coiled to strike", which quite frankly sounds fucking terrifying. They end up having sex again, this time with Christian pouring white wine into her bellybutton and doing her from behind, where she comes about eight times. Afterwards, when she has explained that her email was a joke, he says "I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all." So if she WAS serious and didn't want to have anything more to do with him, his reaction to that is to turn up at her door, unannounced and ride her. This is not romantic behaviour, this is scary, possessive stalker behaviour.

Amount of times Ana refers to Christian as a "stalker": 10
Amount of times Ana refers to Christian as a "control freak": 20

Hey Ana, there's a clue for you there in the words that YOU HAVE SAID WITH YOUR MOUTH. I have no idea why she isn't climbing out her bedroom window and screaming for someone to call the cops.

I hate this book.

28 comments :

  1. I actually cried with laughter there.

    Ms. Lemonade, your pain is pleasure to me.

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  2. Brilliant, as usual and I now have the 'Fields of Athenry' as an earworm!

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  3. Oh Jesus, you have me in stitches.

    I gave up on it about half way through and flicked to the end (which is probably the worst part of it). I just couldn't take any more of repetitive drivelling shite that isn't even sexy. I have literally never hated any thing I've ever read more and what depresses me most is the amount of facebook updates still floating about on my timeline from people I know (and y'know, like, for the most part) raving on and on about how brilliant and un-put-downable it is. What the actual fuck?! LOUD NOISES!

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  4. Probably could have chosen a better phrase than "flicked to the end there". Ye know what I mean. I hope.

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  5. It took me about 2 hours to read this post as I broke my shite at 'DO NOT STEAL HER CORN! SHE WILL SEND YOU TO AUSTRALIA PRISON!' Class. Fucking class!

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  6. Totally worth having to explain my boss why I was crying in my office from laughter.

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  7. Kitty, I just love these posts! There is no need to buy 50 Shades now (not that I had any intention of buying it!). EL James must be raging!

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  8. Brilliant. Again it's like you're in my head. That was my exact reaction, all of it. The medulla oblongata, Jesus wept the medulla oblongata! I wanted to hunt her down and put a shovel through her medulla oblongata!

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  9. Good work Kitty - how can any one read this and not want to destroy the book by the end of chapter one ... I can't believe trees had to die for this rubbish

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  10. Laughing so much at all of these, as my young man will attest.

    Am I the only one now that wants a steampunky laptop, full of cogs that runs on coal?

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  11. Three weeks from my due date and I swear I thought I would go into labour reading this I was laughing so hard. Just gets funnier. Please tell me you will be reviewing the next two books

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  12. So glad i'm not the only one who's humming the Fields of Athenry every time Christian's mother enters the room! Brilliant

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  13. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I think it's now your social duty to read and review all these horrendous books.

    Even the title of Fifty Shades Darker is utter shite. Are we starting at the LIGHTEST end of the aforementioned grey spectrum? In which case it's only ONE shade darker, if even.
    Or are we starting in the dark greys, in which case the book should be titled "The Black Novel".

    As in, like how much more black could it get?
    And the answer is none.
    None more black.

    Give 'em hell, milady.

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  14. utterly hilarious. 'hang on, i'm just opening wikipedia' painfully good.

    These posts are so good that for the first time since reading it I am actually happy I waded through this book!

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  15. Ha ha ha, spot on. Have struggled to chapter 8 and hate it more each page. Shame I have it on the Kindle or I'd have the thrill of burning it page by page. Holy hell. Grr.

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  16. Peeing myself, I finally finished it and I can't wait to see the rest of your posts, poor Christian and his mother's corn, maybe that's why he has food issues, am crying

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  17. God, I'm so happy you started this....you make me cry laughing. My kids keep giving me funny sideways looks and I can't even share the mirth with them....maybe when they're older!

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  18. Hey Kitty,
    Just finished reading the five volumes there. Absolutely hilarious! I think you should start on the Mills and Boon next!

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  19. I've used dialup from my folks home, coal powered was probably faster, thank the gods they got broadband.

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  20. Hilarious series, please keep going!

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  21. it is ridiculous how often I check for the next volume. i need it!

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  22. Arrived on your blog after a friend linked to the ads/photo licensing story (which was superb, too). This Shades series is just the tonic I needed. Sick of listening to intelligent, educated, mature women blabber on about how fantastic it is. I'll never get back the level of respect I once had for them.

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  23. Lol speaking of research you would think this woman would have done some into what its like to be a girl who has just finished college. Anyway one thing prevented me from reading this series, the knowledge that it was based on twilight fanfiction.

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  24. Thank you. From the very bottom of my writer's heart (which is nowhere near my medulla oblongata). I just posted the link to this brilliance on my erotic writer's loop. It's a little ray of hope for us that there are discerning readers out there who expect more from a book. Cheers to you and the commenters here!

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  25. Thank you for these posts they are hilarious. Can't decide who I hate more Ana, her inner goddess or her subconscious! Everytime I finished a chapter I threw the book across the room. Can you do a count of oh my I want to stab her everytime she says it.

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  26. ...I think some of the terrible fanfiction I wrote as a kid was better.

    You rule so much for reviewing this. :3

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  27. This is the most amazing analysis EVER!! (ok, not ever, those Sweet Valley revisits are awesome too) I have never read 50 Shades, but there is no way that it is better than this!! lol

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Maybe.

 
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