Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 4)

Ok, this post doesn't quite zip along the story as quickly as I'd like, but that's because (like the last one) I get sidetracked by stupid literary devices that set my teeth on edge. Shall we?


That evening, Christian drives Ana to a heliport, in order to fly her to Seattle. "We’re in a built-up area of the city and even I know helicopters need space to take off and land." says Ana to herself. Which makes me wonder if Ana has ever seen a helicopter, or maybe even just a photo of one, seeing as the WHOLE POINT of helicopters is that they don't need a lot of space to take off and land. THEY CAN GO DIRECTLY UP AND DOWN, YOU MUPPET.

Anyway, they get to his fancy penthouse apartment in Seattle, where he plies her with white wine despite all his pearl-clutching about her drinking the night before. While she's taking in the swanky setting, this line happens:

""Do you play?" I point my chin at the piano."

What? If her hands weren't free to gesture, why wouldn't she just nod towards the piano? Does she give directions to people by pointing with her chin instead of her hands? Or does she have a hand hidden in her chin like Chuck Norris? So many questions!


Grey brings out a non-disclosure agreement for her to sign, which means that she can't tell anyone anything about what they get up to. Of course, a normal person would get the fuck out of there, quick smart. This is Anastasia though, so she signs it without even reading it. I hate her so much. He decides to show her his "playroom", which - shock! - is a fancy S&M dungeon and none of us saw this coming.

He wants her to be his submissive and shows her the rules of the contract she would have to sign if she agreed. It's a whole litany of overbearing nonsense about how often she has to eat, that she'll only wear clothes approved by him, that she'll do everything he says without question, that she'll be shaved or waxed at all times and "undergo any treatments the Dominant sees fit." Basically it's written consent for him to completely control her and everything she does and while anyone else would tell him to go and shite, Ana stays put.

She tells him she's a virgin, so after freaking out for a bit, he decides to go easy on her to begin with and sex her up all vanilla style. I'd just like to point out that it takes until the end of Chapter Eight for the first sex scene. With a book as tedious as this, that's like twenty normal-book chapters.

They get to the bedroom and there's some incredibly unsexy undressing described, detailing him pulling off her Converse and socks and "running his thumbnail up my instep". If someone did that to me they'd get an involuntary kick in the face. Jesus, like. Fuck away off from my instep. Followed by a voluntary kick in the face. Then, once he's got her in her knickers, this exchange happens:

“Show me how you pleasure yourself.”
What? I frown.
“Don’t be coy, Ana, show me,” he whispers.
I shake my head.
“I don’t know what you mean.” My voice is hoarse. I hardly recognize it, laced with desire.


Right. Anyone else would be a filthy liar for claiming that they don't know what he means, but then again, this is a 21 year old who has never kissed anyone or HELD HANDS with anyone. We can only assume that she was completely unaware of her genitals before now. To move things along, Christian tugs at her nipples for a bit, which is apparently enough to make her come for the first time.

To which I say:

BULL. SHIT.

He whips out a condom and "pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free." Every time I read this sentence I hear a big BOI-OI-OING sound in my head. However, Ana is scared of his cock and thinks "Oh no…Will it? How?", prompting him to say “Don't worry [...] You expand too.” Because Ana has reached the age of 21 without finding out the basics of HOW SEX WORKS.

He eventually gets around to riding her, but right before he does, announces "I'm going to fuck you now, Miss Steele". Can you imagine someone saying that to you right before sex? You'd break your arse laughing. Anyway, Ana ends up orgasming all over the place, even though it was her first time, but that’s because she’s a human sex doll and Christian is a sex wizard. Also, he leaves his shirt on the whole time. Winnie the Pooh style. HOT.

Dirty BASTARD.

The next morning, Ana wakes up with him beside her and wonders "How can anyone look this good and still be legal?" Be legal? Does she think he's an illegal immigrant? Or underage? Or does she just not understand what the word legal means? Fucking Jaysus Ana.

During breakfast, he badgers her some more about her not eating enough, on the off-chance that we'd forgotten about that fucking irritating quirk of his. Funnily enough, he doesn’t seem at all concerned about her constant wasting of teabags though, seeing as she might as well just wave the bag in front of her cup and then throw it in the bin, for the amount of use she gets out of them.

They take a bath together after breakfast and he tells her to stop biting her lip again, because it makes him want to fuck her (and it’s not like he can control his actions or anything) and he can’t fuck her now because she’s sore from the previous night’s riding when he “ripped through her virginity”. That’s the actual phrase that was used, by the way. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard anything as deeply unsexy as that before in my life.

In the bath, he washes her for a bit and gets her to turn around, and she’s “shocked” SHOCKED that he has his boner in his hand, despite the fact that she noted how she could feel it against her back SECONDS BEFOREHAND. But never mind that, check out what he says: “I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favourite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

Ok, aside from the fact that it would be physically impossible not to burst out laughing in his face after him saying that, two things.
  1. First name terms? In that case what’s its name? Because I’m calling it Dr. Nathaniel McCleod from now on. Or Nate Dogg.
  2. “I’m very attached to this” is such a goddamn stupid thing to say about something that is in fact attached to your body. It’s kind of a given. I’m very attached to my arms but I don’t need to actually state it. Shut up Christian.
She decides to go down on him - and guess what! – she has no gag reflex. Well of course not, she's been genetically engineered for sex, after all. Which is SUPER handy. Mid blow-job, she thinks to herself “He’s my very own Christian Grey flavour popsicle” and just when I thought such a thing was impossible, it makes me hate her even more. Also, she’s so delighted with her new found skillz that her “inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves”. My inner goddess wants to murder the fuck out of her inner goddess.

Would you like to see a list of all the annoying things that her idiot inner goddess does? Of course you would.

She:
  • stops dancing and is staring too, mouth open and drooling slightly
  • sits in the lotus position looking serene
  • jumps up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old 
  • stops jumping and smiles serenely
  • glows so bright she could light up Portland (maybe she's radioactive)
  • makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers (him being Paul - one of the dudes that inexplicably fancies stupid Ana)
  • jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms, shouting yes
  • does backflips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast
  • smacks her lips together, glowing with pride
  • bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream
  • is going to explode (I really wish she would, then we could dispense with all of this fucking stupidity)
  • looks like someone snatched her ice cream
  • lies on a rug eating grapes and tapping her fingers impatiently
  • hops from foot to foot
  • has her pom poms in hand - she’s in cheerleading mode 
  • spins like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette
  • has a “Do not disturb” sign on the outside of her room
  • pops her head above the parapet (someone PLEASE SHOOT HER)
  • pouts, failing miserably to hide her disappointment
  • does the dance of the Seven Veils
  • basks in a remnant of post-coital glow 
  • leaps up cheering from her chaise longue
  • subconscious and inner goddess glance nervously at one another (KILL THEM WITH FIRE!)
  • pole vaults over a fifteen foot bar
  • stands on a podium awaiting her gold medal (for being a fucking TOOL)
  • backflips off the podium and does cartwheels around the stadium
  • hides under a blanket behind a sofa
  • sways and writhes to some primal carnal rhythm
  • endeavours to look brave
LADS. I would LOVE to say that I made some of those up and you had to guess which ones I invented and which ones were actually in a book that was PUBLISHED and that someone got PAID TO WRITE. However, all of those things actually happened in it and I died a little inside every time they did. She's half cheerleader, half gymnast, all douchebag.

Appearances of the phrase "inner goddess": 58

So anyway. They have yet another ride after that, only this time he ties her up with a grey (of course) tie. Ana describes her horniness by saying “my heated blood pools low in my belly, between my legs” which sounds like she has some manner of internal injury and could probably do with an ambulance, rather than kinky sex right now. All of the sex scenes in this are really annoying, because Anastasia seems unable to say the word vagina, even in her head. It’s all "there", “down there” and “my sex”, which is the most unsexy and cringey and stupid thing to call your vagina ever. Another thing to add to the Reasons Why I Hate Ana list. It's filling up pretty fast.

33 comments :

  1. You're wonderful. You really are. This is hilarious. Those books are such a steaming pile of guff.
    I can't wait til you get to the bit I think is the vilest part of the book.
    Keep it coming!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I actually laughed out loud..brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am in tears laughing stay the fuck away from my instep... Epic

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh god, "Winnie the Pooh Style"... I was literally on the floor. This is amazeballs!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm going to retweet the fuck out of this.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm crying laughing again, you need a medal just for being able to read it! I didn't read the list of inner goddess shit, that makes me want to strangle her and she's not even real.

    One thing for sure, himself is NEVER allowed near me with a shirt or t-shirt on ever again, jesus - "I'm feeling rumbly in my tumbly, I'm going to fuck you now" - AHAAHAHAHA!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you so much for reading this and giving me the ammunition to slag it off without having to read it myself. You are brilliantly funny.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I lost it at Pooh Bear, genius, just genius!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I love your posts! Haven't read the book don't know if I can these make me want to punch Ana square in her inner goddess! And the author too for being so bloody clueless about women, his poor partner of he even has one!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous, I'm afraid that the author is indeed a woman - she's a British former TV producer, and the reason the book is set in Washington State is because it started life as Twilight fanfiction.

    Actually, she was on BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour a while ago and she seemed pretty smart and quite funny - smart and old enough to know better than to write terrible porny Twilight fanfic, anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is brilliant, really shouldn't be readin it at work as I can't stop laughing! I'm halfway through the second book and she is getting more annoying by the page!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thanks for all the comments errybody, you're great! And yes, Anonymous, it was a woman that wrote it and she has NO EXCUSE.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh sweet Jesus the Winnie the Pooh style fucking image will stay with me forever. Love it!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Bwahahaha brilliant! I can't get the springing erection image out of my head or Winnie 'Dirty Bastard' The Pooh! CAN'T WAIT for volume 5

    ReplyDelete
  15. These blog posts are absolutely rocking my world. I work in a bookshop, and constantly have people saying "Have you read 'Fifty Shades of Grey'? Aren't they just GENIUS?!". It's great fun seeing their faces fall when I say that, no, actually, I didn't think they were any good at all.

    ReplyDelete
  16. So glad Fifty Shades of Grey was written so that I could read this, best thing I've read all year. Brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Has anyone else had the Winnie the Pooh theme tune in their head since they read this? You made Pooh dirty, Kitty. I'll never forgive you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thanks - I gave up on it a couple of chapters in as it was so shit so you have me the gist without having to read it!

    Crap writing and unbelievable characters - even the sex scenes ahead couldn't keep me reading.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh my, I'm so shocked to hear the author is female!! Really enjoying your posts though saves me reading the stupid book :) also love the SVH ones, forgot how much of a psycho butch Jessica used to be...Ahh memories! Keep em coming Kitty you mad thing!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm reading this at the moment, and have to admit, I have been enjoying the book, not because it's literary genius (clearly you've proved that right here!), but because it does give me some kind of cheap thrill, even though, if I ever came across this man and his dungeon, I'd probably soil/cry/run away screaming. Yup, I'm a sexual deviant, me...

    I have just come across your blog and have read all of your posts about the book so far. And despite the fact I have been experiencing some gratification from the novel, I can equally appreciate where you're coming from, and find myself agreeing with you on 97 % of it.

    Never again will I think of Christian Grey in the same way. Winnie the Pooh! Where the devil have you been my entire life, you total piece of hilarity, you?!

    Love the blog! Cannot wait to read more!! X

    ReplyDelete
  21. I have one question...why the hell did any of you read these books? You were warned they were awful but you bought and read them anyway? Seriously! Are your lives full of so much free time that you can read books just to make fun of them. Why not change what you are reading instead of bashing what you have been told was not worth your time? I don't get it. I have personally read many books worse than this unfortunately, but I have never wasted my time attacking the book or the author. How about going out and reading something you enjoy and write something positive!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Either one does the merengue or does the salsa... two different music and dance styles... geez

    ReplyDelete
  23. The Winnie the Pooh picture caption, 'Dirty Bastard' had me in stitches. I love this blog !

    ReplyDelete
  24. Nate Dogg!!!! Couldn't keep reading until I'd wiped my eyes! Thanks so much. You've made my day.

    ReplyDelete
  25. just wee'd a bit from laughing....oh my!

    ReplyDelete
  26. @Bharrelson, it's all in the name of humour.

    ReplyDelete
  27. @bharrelson

    Cos this is so goddamned funny!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I laughed until I cried at that picture of Winnie the Pooh. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I love your fifty shades posts. Please do more soooon. I appreciate the work you must have put in to list and count all the inner goddess and lip-biting crud. The way he drew his thumb along her lower lip so bloody often particularly grated with me, so thanks for highlighting that.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Totally fucking hilarious.

    I have read the first two. After buying the first one I decided to borrow the others. Like you I wanted to make sure I judged it fairly.

    This is by far more entertaining than the book itself.

    Laugh out loud funny.

    Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  31. BHarrelson, we read it to know what we should NOT write. It's kinda obvious there, isn't it?

    I'm not checking out any library copies of Fifty Shades now, by the way...I don't want to get banned for wanton and willful destruction of library property. (That actually happens 'round here.)

    ReplyDelete
  32. Just discovered your critiques/commentaries/piss takes and think they are awesome :-) I also really need to reread these dreadful books to remind myself how utterly mind bogglingly awful and poorly written they are.

    ReplyDelete

Hey hot stuff! If you leave a comment I'll give you a present.

Maybe.

 
>