Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 2)

Right then. It turns out that Fifty Shades is certified blog catnip. The reaction to the first post about it was ridiculously amazing, so thanks so much and inappropriately long hugs to everyone who commented and shared it, you're a big shower of rides, the lot of you. (Also, I quite heartily recommend Karen's glorious Irish version, Fifty Shades of Shite on Ramp.ie, first part here and second part here.) So, onwards to Volume 2!


After the photoshoot, Christian asks Ana to join him for coffee. She eventually agrees and on the way thinks to herself "I am going to have coffee with Christian Grey... and I hate coffee." I hate coffee too Ana, but guess what? Coffee shops sell OTHER DRINKS! Christmas is saved! They get to the coffee shop and she orders tea, English Breakfast Tea, to be precise because she thinks she's so fucking fancy and special.

"I pop the teabag into the teapot and almost immediately fish it out again with my teaspoon."

Reason number #87 why I hate Ana: She can't even drink tea properly. THAT'S JUST HOT WATER, YOU GEEBAG. That quote is immediately followed by this:

"As I place the used teabag back on the side plate, he cocks his head gazing quizzically at me. “I like my tea black and weak,” I mutter as an explanation."

Now COME ON, that is just the perfect set-up for someone to say "Like my men". The fact that neither one of them makes that joke just proves what humourless twerps they both are. I honestly have no idea why Christian is so interested in her at this point, because so far all she has done is stare down at her hands (how bloody rude) and blush, for the entire coffee shop conversation. In fact, she has blushed six times between agreeing to go for coffee and them talking for a bit once they get there. In that small amount of time her face has been "beet red", pink, crimson and scarlet. Ana and her magic multi-coloured stupid face.

He mentions that he doesn't "do the girlfriend thing" as they're leaving. Almost immediately, dopey Ana trips over FUCKING NOTHING and falls towards the road. But Christian's ninja-like reflexes spring into action, so she narrowly misses getting hit by a cyclist and finds herself pulled to his manly bodywash-scented chest for safety. She suddenly realises that "for the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed". Oh PLEASE. You're 21 and you have NEVER wanted to be kissed until now? GET TO FUCK. Throw her into the goddamn traffic, Christian.

She tries to eye-bang him into kissing her but he pulls away, leaving her "bereft" (drama queen) and says she should steer clear of him. Even though it was him that turned up at the hardware shop and him and that asked her out for coffee, but whatever Christian. Anyway, Ana gets back to the garage where her car is parked and feels so rejected that she curls up into a ball on the GROUND and sobs for a while because she's a ridiculous human being and can't sob in the car like a normal person.

He gets it.

When she gets home all red-eyed from the crying, Kate asks her what's wrong, at which point Ana thinks to herself "Oh no… not the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition." Because a friend showing concern for you when you're quite obviously upset is EXACTLY like being chained up and tortured for heresy. By the fourth time that exact phrase appeared, with a "Christian Grey Inquistion" thrown in along the way, I wanted to beat E.L. James to death with a thesaurus. This is without doubt the most repetitive book I have ever read.

No one expects the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisistion!

Ana eventually finishes her exams and comes home after her last one to find a mysterious package waiting for her. It turns out that it contains three first edition volumes of Tess of the D'Urbervilles, which she has been referencing on every second page all this time, in an attempt make her sound intelligent and interesting. It doesn't. Unsurprisingly, the books are from Christian Grey, because the best way to get someone to steer clear of you is to send them a present worth a fuckload of money.

Ana and Kate go out and Ana proceeds to get shitfaced for the first time ever (do join me in an eye-roll) and drunk-dials Christian. He quickly deduces that she's drunk, what with it being late and her slurring her words and all and demands to know where she is, like it's any of his damn business. She hangs up without telling him where she is and goes outside to get some air, with José creeping behind her like a cartoon burglar. José charmingly chooses this moment to initiate Mission Get Into Ana'a Pants, taking advantage of her drunken state like a total fucking asshole, gets all grabby and kisses her. She's trying to pull away and he won't let her go, and now he's another character that I hate and want to throw hammers at.

Enter Christian Grey, rescuing her just in time and giving her the opportunity to jump from the frying pan of potential rape into some controlling dickhead stalker fire. Er...hooray? Next thing Ana starts vomiting everywhere, due to the five margaritas and champagne she'd been drinking. She wishes that the azaeleas in the flowerbed she's vomiting on would swallow her up and so do I, because then this book would be over and we could all get on with our lives.

It would have been so amazing if it was a flowerbed of these.

After she's done, Christian tells her "this is beyond the pale" (because people talk like that) and berates her for having the nerve to get hammered the day she's finished college. It turns out that he found her by tracking her mobile phone. HOLY FUCK, RUN AWAY ANA. Instead of being alarmed by this frankly very worrying behaviour, she agrees to let him take her home. JESUS CHRIST ANA.

When she insists on telling Kate that she's leaving, he inexplicably drags her out onto the dancefloor for an impromptu bop, despite the fact that she's just gotten violently ill. It turns out that his brother Elliot, who he brought along on his creepy-ass quest is also on the dancefloor and with Kate, who is doing her sexy moves all up on him. Ana is normally a terrible dancer, what with the TOTALLY adorable clumsiness that has already been established and that makes me want to punch her in the face. However, she suddenly CAN dance now that she's with Christian and he's made of sex magic and is part unicorn after all. Then this happens:

"In the back of my mind, my mother’s often-recited warning comes to me: Never trust a man who can dance."

What kind of stupid fucking advice is that? Boys who can dance are SUPER FUN.

Case CLOSED, motherfucker.

When they're about to leave, Ana looks over at Kate who is now in Elliot's arms and thinks: "Even in my inebriated state, I am shocked. She’s only just met him." She's IN HIS ARMS! She's probably PREGNANT now! Fuck's sake Ana. She also says that she has to talk to Kate before they leave, because "I need to do the safe sex lecture". Which is hilarious, because Kate's a grown-ass woman who, unlike Ana, has actually gotten the ride before. So no, Ana, you don't need to do the safe sex lecture, you TOTAL SAP.

And that concludes Volume 2. I'm tired now from being so mad at this book and everyone in it. I need a nap.

30 comments :

  1. hahahahahahaha!!! I'm almost on the floor laughing at this! Absolutely BRILLIANT!! Can't wait for the next instalment!!

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  2. Brilliant! It's like you were in my brain when I was reading it. BUT I STILL KEPT READING!

    Help me? Someone?

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    1. People buy the books out of curiosity!! Sorry but you have to be a sheep to buy and read it. This fic is an insult to intelligence, LOL

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  3. ... but it's ROMANTIC! :p

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  4. Genuinely LoL'd all the way through Kitty, this series is my new favourite thing ever and, AND, 'Get to Fuck' is by far the foremost term for incredulousness in the history of the world. Moar, MOAR!!

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  5. This is AMAZING. I'm about a third of the way through the book, it's pure fucking torture (and not the sexy kind that's apparently coming my way if I read further). Seriously, I just cannot get over how boring and repetitive these books are but I'm starting to think they're worth reading - just for these posts alone. Have you seen the video where Gideon Gottfried narates some of the text? OH MY!

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  6. Orla - Thanks missus! :)

    Karen - There should be support groups set up for 50 Shades survivors.

    Laura - Err....yeah, totally!

    Sue - Ha! It does the job quite nicely alright.

    Annie - It's SO BORING. I don't think I'll be able to put myself through the other two books. I've heard about Gilbert Gottfried reading it but haven't watched the video yet. Must do that now!

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  7. You. Are. Fabulous!! Did you ever consider branching into doing Clift's Notes? You totally should.
    Keep it coming, else we will all admonish you, as the cast of characters tend to do to eachother A LOT.

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  8. The fact that you called him part unicorn has made me fall in love with you... Love it

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  9. nap deserved!
    i love that you snuck Ron Swoonson in there :)

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  10. Ha ha that made me snort my English Breakfast Tea. Oh yes indeedy. And I don't like tea. Hilarious!

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  11. Ha ha! Love it! I'd decided not to read these books because EVERYONE is reading/swooning over them. You have completely reinforced my decision - hopefully waiting for vol 3!

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    1. Ha, ha love your account of this. So glad to know Im not the only one thinking the same. Only part of book One I liked was when she finally stood up for herself and told him he was a f... up b...tard!! Way to go Ana!! Took a whole book for you to realise this!! Love your blog. Keep on posting. Look forward to your next one.

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  12. Absolutely CREASING myself at these posts! Can't wait for next one.

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  13. Kitty, you are hilarious! I love your take on Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Just wanted to see how fun that was to type. Very!) I read the book, totally agree with you, but still read the book--what is its power? I also think the author, EL James, would get a kick out of your posts!

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  14. Almost nearing wee spillage, this is so, so funny! Can I send you every shite book I've ever read, please?

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  15. I chuffin' LOVE THIS! I want to carry it round with me and quote from it. Holy treble jeez you better be nearly done with the next bit *starts crowd chant* MORE! MORE! MORE! ..please, thank you very much,
    love from supasparkly

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  16. oh my god, i read the 3 books (eeek) and i am sorry to say i was totally taken in by them - bubble gum for the brain and all that. but your take on the book is GAS! honestly this is the funniest thing i have read / seen / heard in the longest time.... THANKS!!

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  17. Fifty Shades is the worst fic EVER. E.L. James does not know what it is telling and her imagination is dead. Any person with a modicum of intelligence, can say that this fic is good.

    LOVE YOU!!

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  18. honestly i see people reading this book who can hardly say their own name, it is the most over rated piece of crap, thanks to your blog i know i'm not alone

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  19. Glad I didn't bother reading it, just reading this seems to be much less painful and far more amusing. Oh, and Ron Swanson <3

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  20. Christian wasn't the reason she could dance - it was the fact that she was SHIT-FACED!!! We can ALL dance in that state!

    Loving these posts, Missus!

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  21. You're fucking hilarious! Thank you.

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  22. Case CLOSED, motherfucker! I love you.

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  23. Maybe I'm somewhat retarded, but how can tea be both black and weak? I think I'll go for a lie down.

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  24. RON F**KING SWANSON! You earn my respect for that giff alone. Oh, and the hilarious book review.

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  25. Love it! I'm addicted now- so true...and yet I can't stop reading the book- aaaah!

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  26. I can't stop laughing!! So good. Again thank you for this :)

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  27. you're amazing! i'm still laughing; especially for your dancer guy exampleç it's hillarious!

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