Thursday, June 28, 2012

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery (Vol. 1)

I know. I know. But with all the talk of Fifty Shades of Grey and all I was hearing about repeated references to eye colour and the terrible writing in general, I kind of HAD to give it a whack. As it were. And I hated everyone in it and E.L. James for writing it and very nearly gave up on it more than once out of sheer BOREDOM, but powered through in order to comprehensively take the piss out of it here. I intended to make it a Sweet Valley High style post, but it's turned out to be super long because I didn't want to leave anything out and there's just SO MUCH to make fun of. I still haven't actually finished it (the big-ass post, that is), so I'm splitting it up into a few separate posts, of which this is the first. So let's do this.


Anastasia Steele is a fucking idiot and absolutely no craic whatsoever. She's about to finish college and has managed to get to that point without ever getting drunk, kissing anyone or fancying anyone. She mopes about how she doesn't fit in anywhere yet she has people falling over themselves to be her friend and two good looking male friends trying desperately to get into her boring knickers. A fact which she seems oblivious to because, in case I wasn't clear before, she's a FUCKING IDIOT. She also says really stupid things like how her stepfather Ray is "the reason I know the difference between a hawk and a handsaw". Apparently this was something that had to be explained to her.

Anyway, her roommate Kate, who is all no-nonsense and go-getting and says stuff like "capiche" (no one says capiche unless they're in a bad gangster film), needs her to fill in for her and interview mysterious CEO Christian Grey for the student newspaper. So instead of at least Googling this man she's about to interview and has never heard of before in her stupid life, Ana spends some time complaining about her unruly hair and her blue eyes "too big for her face" (because big eyes are, like, SO UNATTRACTIVE YOU GUYS).

When Ana enters Christian Grey's office building for the interview, E.L. James does the most hilariously terrible job of describing it, by saying the words "glass" and "steel" over and over AND FUCKING OVER.

"It's a huge twenty storey office building, all curved glass and steel, an architect's utilitarian fantasy, with Grey House written discreetly in steel over the glass front doors. It's a quarter to two when I arrive, greatly relieved that I'm not late as I walk into the enormous - and frankly intimidting - glass, steel and white sandstone lobby."

Seriously.

After waiting around for a bit, feeling inadeqaute and describing a token African-American man with dreads (of course), Ana makes her way into Grey's office when summoned and falls arse over tit in the door for no reason other than the fact that she's SO ENDEARINGLY CLUMSY. Grey helps her up and the very first physical description of him is "long-fingered".

Better get used to the idea, because his long fingers are mentioned NINETEEN times in this awful book.

We're told how young and attractive he is and Ana is now all flustered and makes a balls of setting up the recorder for the interview. She eventually gets her shit together and asks Kate's questions, whereupon he's all arrogant and self-assured and says stuff like "I'm a very wealthy man, Miss Steele, and I have expensive and absorbing hobbies", which as Karen pointed out on Twitter, makes him sound like Ron Burgundy. They finish the interview, his eyes "blaze" a bit and then he as good as offers her a job as an intern, despite knowing precisely fuck all about her.

That Saturday, while Ana is at her part time job in a hardware shop - just as well she knows her hawks from her handsaws, so - Christian shows up with "a ghost of a smile on his lips". He's described that way four times during this book. I think his mouth is haunted.

Artist's impression of Christian Grey's mouth.

Also, his voice is "warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something". Or something. Jesus Christ, it's like reading a lovesick fifteen year old's diary. Although saying that is actually an insult to lovesick fifteen year olds everywhere. I'm sorry lovesick fifteen year olds, you didn't deserve that.

He proceeds to buy cable ties, masking tape, rope and overalls, which doesn't at all make him sound like someone who has a cheerleader tied up in the back of a Ford Transit outside. Throughout the whole sorry endeavour, Ana is all fumbling and self-conscious and generally unable to interact with another human being properly. They arrange a photoshoot for Kate's article, an exchange during which "he looks lost somehow, and the Earth shifts slightly on its axis, the tectonic plates sliding into a new position". HOLY SHIT, CHRISTIAN GREY CAN CAUSE EARTHQUAKES.

At one point during his little spending spree on murder/kidnap paraphernalia, Ana's so embarrassed that she thinks to herself "I must be the color of the communist manifesto."

Oh really?

I wonder if that means that she was green, like the first edition? Or maybe her face went orange and stripey and a penguin appeared on her chin? Or maybe she DID just turn red, but there was a saucy black gradient around the edges of her face. She's SO talented.

Anyway, the day of the photoshoot arrives and Ana's friend José (one of the dude friends trying his hardest to bone her) has been coerced into being their photographer. Ana, Kate and José arrive at the agreed location, a hotel suite and when Grey walks in, Ana reacts like no one has ever worn a white shirt and grey pants before.

"Holy crap! He’s wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and grey flannel pants that hang from his hips."

Something you should know about Christian Grey at this point, is that his pants are all too big for him. Every single pants-shaped thing he wears "hangs from his hips". You'd think a billionaire could afford clothes that fit. Also, yet another thing I hate about Ana is that she constantly says "crap" or "double crap". There's even a "triple crap" thrown in for good measure. It's incredibly annoying. As is her constant use of the word "jeez".

Appearances of the word "crap": 94 ("Holy crap" count: 41)
Appearances of the word "jeez": 81

It's fucking ridiculous.

And that's your lot for the moment kids. Stay tuned for Volume 2.

47 comments :

  1. Hilarious! That's all.

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  2. Keep 'em coming missus. THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW.

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  3. I didn't think you could top the SVH reviews but counting my laughing out louds, I think you may have done. Think my favourite line is 'little spending spree on murder/kidnap paraphernalia'. Oh lord, you have cheered me right up!

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  4. OH I can't wait for part 2. I didn't manage to get past the first 2 pages of this wonderful literary masterpiece, so I'm relying on your posts to fill me in on what I've missed!

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  5. Brilliant. You're so right about Anastasia Steele - absolutely no craic at all!

    The reason the African American dude has dreads is--I assume--that he's based on Laurent in Twilight, who has dreads. Playing spot-the-Twilight-character in 50 Shades of Grey is a lot of fun.*

    *For various values of 'fun'.

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  6. Don't forget her 'Inner Goddess', which makes her the outright overlord of all universal gee-bags.
    I thought words could not describe the guff that is Fifty Shades but you, madam, are doing a wonderful job. Keep it coming. Or should I say, exploding around us.
    I'll endeavour to read them while glancing up from underneath my eyelashes.

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  7. Brilliant! This is exactly why it's so bad, it's too unbelievable. A bit of fantasy with a really rich guy and helicopters and jets - fine. But throw in a 21-year-old stunner who's never ever had a kiss or who DOESN'T OWN A LAPTOP and it just loses all credibility.

    The holy crap thing bugged me so much, I'm actually surprised she only said carp 94 times, it felt like many many many more.

    Keep up the good work, can't wait for the next installment!!

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  8. I had resolved not to read any more mockery of 50 Shades, on the grounds that I'm sure she did her best and a lot of people liked it and I shouldn't be a meanie.

    But holy crap, woman and double jeez, this cracked me up. The bit about the communist manifesto brought tears to my eyes. Please continue!

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  9. Yes! I'm so glad someone else agrees with me! I also struggled through and finished it just so I could review it but I'm slightly annoyed with myself that I did-precious hours of my life I'll never get back!! The repitition in it is just shocking, it's like she was on drugs writing the entire thing.awful, just awful. Hilarious review though, can't wait for part 2!

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  10. A penguin on her chin! Love it. More please.

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  11. Loved it - thank you! I appreciate that you're sifting through the dross so I don't have to.

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  12. Very funny! The book is worth struggling through just to be able to enjoy all the 'reviews'.

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  13. I tried to read this, a couple of weeks ago, and gave up on about page ten. I've been hearing nothing but talk about it since so following yet another Twitter conversation about it, this morning, I tried again. I gave up at page 20 this time.

    It's bloody dire so fair play for managing to read it and write a review that had me in stitches despite having not finished the book.

    Roll on part two :)

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  14. Brilliant, now i never have to read it, thanks kitty! Nice call on the communist manifesto, i did a giant out loud HA!

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  15. You lost me to giggles at the long-fingered picture, that phrase has always been ludicrous to me.

    Not that I ever took 50 shades of shite seriously, but ever since I heard Cillian Murphy was in the running for the movie version of Christian, I keep reading Christian quotes in Cillian Murphy's Wind that Shakes the Barley character. Much hilarity. "Do you like cheese, boi?" *collapses*

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  16. You are awesome. Thank you. But, I did have to turn my work-snicker into a cover-up-cough and almost ended up with an esophagus-in-my-nostrils.

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  17. My attempts at writing the world's worst novel have clearly been bettered. Or worsened. I'd never heard of this before. It terrifies me.

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  18. I nearly choked reading this and eating strawberries . Brilliant!

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  19. LOVE IT! You have told the truth at all. Fifty Shades is a poor Twilight fanfic. It may be more pathetic? hahaha

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  20. The "hawk from a handsaw" thing is from Hamlet, so she's probably trying to be literary, like Twilight does with Romeo and Juliet. However, "to know a hawk from a handsaw" in Hamlet is to NOT BE COMPLETELY INSANE.

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  21. hahhhhaahah OMG the review is brilliant!!! better than all the crap about 50 shades. Congrats and thanks dear, cant wait for part two

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  22. Thanks for this! Far more enjoyable than reading the books by the sounds of things. Is it just me or is the length of someone's fingers a bizarre thing to comment on? Has anyone ever looked at a guys hands and gone "Phwoar, check out the digit length on him!!"

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  23. I'm a late reader of this, but it's by far the best review of anything, ever. I think I've fallen a bit in love with you...

    As much as I love bad books I don't think I could bring myself to read this one.

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  24. Can you please summarise EVERY book ever written for me, thanks.

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  25. Ha ha ha had tears running down my face reading your review, it was funny as fuck and i cant wait to read part 2.

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  26. Colette twohig17 July 2012 at 17:12

    Ha ha very good only thing I need to add was as well as the crap double crap and triple crap I do believe there was a holy crapola there too lol

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  27. This review needs to be published as a book - it's brilliant - so much more enjoyable than the 50 Shades of Shite!! Hilarious!

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  28. this is classic and effing hilarious well done is all! about time someone did this haha. really made me laugh

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  29. oww, my stomach hurts from laughing...I'm still reading the stupid book despite my better judgement...my boyfriend eyes me skeptically as though I may be having an affair before his eyes....no need to worry, really!

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  30. Bring on part 2!!! i read the e-book sample and almost fell asleep. it has been deleted but as far as i'm concerned, i sullied my kindle by even downloading it!

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  31. I read all three books because although utterly shit, I wanted to know how things ended up. THEY GET WORSE AND FUCKING WORSE. Your blog is fucking amazing, it sums everything up perfectly. And just so you know, you're writing is a billion times better than the 'crap' in the trilogy put together! Bring on Part 2 :D

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  32. Yay I love hating this book!! :)

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  33. Hilarious ! I can't stop reading this shit book either! Also how many times does she refer to the Katherine Kavanagh inquisition? I can only assume its repeated be ause she somehow thinks its funny? Retarded...

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  34. I don't think too many are buying this to improve on their literacy skills....maybe cliteracy skills more appropriate

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  35. Victoria Coren wrote in the Observer that 50 Shades puts the 'b' in 'anal;.

    Best summary yet.

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  36. This was absolutely hilarious! Laugh out loud funny. Good job

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  37. Perfect review - have never read a more tedious book - lots of hype so thought I would read it - had to struggle to finish the book - I never knew you could make sex so boring and have a retard for the heroine.

    Great review - pity they are making a film but should make lots of money "Lollywood" loves making films for cretins.

    Am jealous of James though wish I could have written such tripe and made millions of $.

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  38. I haven't read the book (and have no desire to do so), but I think you should publish THIS and make your millions!!

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    1. I totally agree with Anonymous 10th September. Not read it: don't intend to!!

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  39. Love it. Have shared it with numerous people on Facebook - way better than the tripe currently at number one! Hope you win!

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  40. V good, has reinforced the fact that I will never read this book. AWFUL!

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  41. I've only just discovered this blog, but it's absolutely wonderful. I did read a borrowed copy of the book, several months ago, and I'm still trying to figure out how it ever got accepted for publication. What's particularly galling, especially amongst the writing community, is that other writers have had far better work turned down.

    My only consolation (after several hours of my life that I'll never get back) was that I hadn't paid good money for it :-)

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  42. I must say, I love your review--especially with the graphics added. (I am especially partial to the image of Christian's "ghost-mouth".) Also, might I add, I really need to use the term "fuckery" in my day-to-day existence more often.

    I was wondering if I could shamelessly ask you to tell your readers about a book giveaway I'll be hosting soon myself, of a book that lampoons the illiteracy of such works as the "50 Shades" trilogy.

    If you're interested, please feel free to take a look at this link. (I can send you more details via email, if you like.)

    http://thebaroninsideyou.blogspot.com/2013/03/passover-book-giveaway.html

    Best regards!

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  43. This is hilarious! Just can't wait for part 2. I've read the books, so I know EXACTLY what you're talking about.

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  44. Thank you so much for taking the time to read what us lesser mortals could not stomach. Thank you for your attention to all the details - I understand it must have been painfully hard - but it had to be done by someone... Absolutely hilarious! Especially (in this review) "I must be the color of the communist manifesto." heeheehee
    Will definitely be back for more!

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  45. cannot believe Anastasia character, at 21, virgin, she gavehim a blow up, and she says she did not know a thing about sex? hahahaha, stupid characters of course.

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  46. As someone who tried to read the series and despised it for so, so many reasons, thank you for this beautiful and hilarious description of how awful it is. Seriously, thank you. It really made my day.

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