Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 14)

You guys! We made it! It's the last installment of this rage inducing series! And OH BOY am I looking forward to the palate-cleansing sorbet of Sweet Valley High after this shit sandwich of misogyny, emotional abuse and mind-numbing fuckery. So without further ado, let's crack on with Volume 14!

(Catch up: Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13) Phew!

Now that Kate is confronting Ana and Christian, EL James uses all the words from her bag of word-magnets and ham-fistedly jams them into Ana's reaction:

All the color drains from my face as my blood turns to ice and fear lances through my body.

WELCOME TO METAPHOR CITY. POPULATION: YOU. Kate demands to know what the hell is up with all this contract business and asks Ana what Christian has done to her. Ana tells her it's none of her business and it turns out that the email was in the pocket of a jacket Christian had left on the back of Ana's bedroom door. Ana's response to this is really something, coming from her.

What the hell is she going through my clothes for? It’s usually the other way round.


Christian asks Kate if she has told anyone about the contract, but she hasn't and Ana then reassures Kate that everything is good between them (I...give up) and the contract stuff is in the past.

“Ana has consented to be my wife, Katherine,” he says quietly.

Imagine a 27 year old talking like that. Because that's how old Christian Grey is, by the way. Twenty fucking seven. Actually no, it's his birthday so now he's twenty eight. MUCH BETTER.

Once Kate has been assured that Ana is happy with her terrible relationship, she's delighted for her and everything is fine and that whole chapter-ending cliffhanger is resolved within a page and a half, so it was just another load of pointless tension that went nowhere.

Christian's mother comes into the dining room to get them, because there's a crowd of people waiting to welcome their guest of honour and they all burst into applause when Christian comes into the living room. And everyone is there! All his friends! And by friends I mean employees! i.e. Mac from the boat, a random black guy that was briefly seen in Christian's office in the first book and hasn't made an appearance since then, Ros the assistant and even Dr. Flynn, turning up to his patient's social gatherings like a big weirdo. Oh AND Elena is there. Because she's a friend of the family and we need to manufacture some last minute drama, goddammit!

But first, Gretchen the sexy blonde waitress (who was also in the first book) turns up with a tray of champagne, just in time for Ana to remember that she hates her, "flushing and fluttering her eyelashes at Christian" like the big smelly whore she undoubtedly is. Everyone comes forward to wish Christian a happy birthday, including Elena, who hugs and kisses Christian and asks why he hasn't been returning her calls. He gives her the brush off and says he has an announcement to make to the room.

"This beautiful woman” - he glances down at me - “Miss Anastasia Rose Steele, has consented to be my wife, and I’d like you to be the first to know.”

Again with the consenting. Why can't he talk like a normal fucking person? It's an especially weird choice of words, considering that he couldn't give a tiny twirly fuck about Ana's consent in literally every other situation. Ana looks around the room, which is again filled with applause and notes how jealous all the other women are. Because obviously there's no point in getting engaged if everyone else isn't choked with envy.

Lily (Mia's bitchy friend who is in love with Christian and was kinda mean to Ana previously), who is standing beside Mia, looks crestfallen; Gretchen looks like she’s eaten something nasty and bitter. As I glance anxiously around at the assembled crowd, I catch sight of Elena. Her mouth is open. She’s stunned - horrified even, and I can’t help a small but intense feeling of satisfaction to see her dumbstruck.


Mia then asks to see the ring and Christian says they're going to choose one together, while "glowering" at his sister for asking a perfectly legitimate question.

“When will you get married? Have you set a date?” She beams up at Christian.
He shakes his head, his exasperation palpable. “No idea, and no we haven’t. Ana and I need to discuss all that,” he says irritably.

I know I gave out about Mia being a pretentious headwrecker in the first book, but it seems like Christian is constantly mad at her for no fucking reason. These are the questions that LITERALLY EVERY engaged couple get asked when they make the announcement and he's acting like she's asked whether they've had anal sex yet. (They haven't, by the way.)

Ana and Christian end up chatting with Dr. Flynn and his wife Rhian. Dr. Flynn congratulates Christian on his engagement by saying “That was one googly you bowled there, Christian”, because he's English and sure we all know that Brits can only communicate through the medium of tea and royal babies and cricket references that they know full well Americans wouldn't understand. 

I had no idea Dr. Flynn would be here, or Elena. It’s a shock, and I rack my brains to see if I have anything to ask him, but a birthday party hardly seems the appropriate venue for a psychiatric consult.

Jesus Christ. YA THINK.

While chatting to Rhian, Ana realises that Christian and Dr Flynn are discussing Leila and she just can't help trying to listen in, "rather rudely tuning out Rhian". Well at least this time she knows she's being fucking rude. Anyway, they're talking quietly so she can't make out what they're saying but they stop when the group is joined by Ros and her girlfriend Gwen.

She’s one of the few women I’ve met who isn’t dazzled by him...well, the reason is obvious.


Grace then announces that dinner is being served buffet-style in the kitchen, which seems unlikely for a giant mansion with servants doing the rounds with trays of champagne, but whatever, this book is almost over so let's just power through.

While everyone makes their way towards the food, Mia catches up with Ana and offers her a lemon martini.

I glance up at Christian, who releases me with a best-of-luck-I-find-her-impossible-to-deal-with-too look, and I sneak into the dining room with her.


Mia says she needs some advice, and can't talk to her friend Lily, who is apparently very judgemental (Ana is the best of all the women, you see) and also very jealous of Ana because she fancies Christian and thought she had a shot with him.

This is something I will have to contend with for a long time - other women wanting my man.

Well, that's the price you pay for winning the Woman Hunger Games, Ana. Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown, and all that.

Anyway, Mia's problem is that Ethan doesn't want to date her because his sister (Kate) is going out with Mia's brother (Elliot) and he thinks it's all a bit "incestuous", but Mia knows he likes her. Ana's advice is to give it some time, seeing as Mia has only just met him, which she at least realises is a bit rich coming from her and tells Mia to try talking to Kate, which she runs off to do.

However, as soon as Mia leaves, Elena appears and closes the door, cornering Ana alone in the dining room and suddenly shit gets real. And by real I mean so ridiculously over-dramatic that the Dynasty and Dallas writers would probably have found this conversation a bit much.

“I would offer you my heartfelt congratulations, but I think that would be inappropriate.” Her piercing cold blue eyes stare frostily into mine, filled with loathing.

Oooh, piercing! Cold! Frostily! WHAT A VILLAIN!

“I neither need nor want your congratulations, Elena. I’m surprised and disappointed to see you here.”
She arches an eyebrow. I think she’s impressed.

KA-POW! Such verbal sparring! This goes on for a while, and involves words like "worthy adversary" being carelessly bandied about, Elena asking Ana what she thinks she's doing "consenting to marry Christian" and Ana replying with "what I’m consenting to do with Christian is none of your concern". I don't think I've ever in my life heard anyone refer to getting engaged as "consenting to marry" their other half, and the characters in this book literally can't stop saying it. It's so weird.

In any case, Elena calls Ana a "mousy little gold-digger", at which point Ana throws her drink in Elena's face. It's actually kinda refreshing to hear Ana being described as something other than beautiful and amazing and witty and shrewd. Christian then enters the room, unwittingly knocking Elena off-balance with the door before she can lunge at Ana and pull her hair or whatever, and then proceeds to shout at Elena, when he sees what's going down. They have a big loud argument about their previous creepy relationship when Christian was younger and next thing you know, Grace appears and overhears what her friend got up to with her then-teenaged son. Grace slaps Elena and kicks her out of the house and Ana runs off to Christian's room upstairs while Grace and Christian have a mother-son chat.

After a while, Christian comes looking for Ana and tells her that his and Elena's business relationship is over and then gives out to Ana for drinking without having eaten.

"You need to eat. It’s rule number one. I believe we’ve already had that discussion after our first night together.”
Oh yes. The Heathman.

Oh yes, the time when they didn't really know each other and he said he was going to take her back to her place when she was blind drunk and instead took her to his hotel room, took her pants off and watched her sleep all night like a terrifying fucking psycho. A magical night.

When the last of the guests have left, Christian brings Ana to the boathouse and she gets all giggly on the way there, thinking about the last time he brought her there. The time that he dragged her there over his shoulder while furious at her for resisting him groping at her crotch under the dinner table while his parents were there and she had to plead with him not to spank her. AGAIN. MAGICAL.

This time, however, the boathouse attic is filled with flowers and fairy lights and Christian gets down on one knee so he can re-propose, only this time it's all romantic and what have you and he's got a ring. "Jeez - it's big..." Ana says yes again and tells us that they're "meant to be" and I guess it's meant to be all wonderful and lovely, despite Christian being:

And just when you think it's over and you can throw this book into a fire, BOOM! POINTLESS EPILOGUE! RIGHT IN THE FACE!

A shadowy figure is hiding outside the Grey mansion, blowing smoke rings and drinking "cheap bourbon", so you KNOW he's bad news.

The helicopter had been a rash and bold move. One of the most exhilarating things he'd ever done in his life. But to no avail.

ERMAHGERD, SABOTAGE. The shady new narrator goes on about how Christian underestimated him, just like everyone else always does, but that his chance will come soon and it's all super ominous and mysterious, except it's clearly creepy Jack, Ana's former boss. Who seems to think that attempted murder is a reasonable reaction to him losing his job. When it was his own fault for trying to rape his employees.


So despite the fact that everything could have been wrapped up at the end of this one, there's an entire third book, because this is basically Twilight after all, so there has to be a wedding and a demon-baby or something. A demon-baby that Christian will probably be jealous of and end up insisting on a C-section delivery, because no one is allowed near Ana's vagina but Christian. NO ONE.

It took two years for me to calm down sufficiently before I could even entertain the notion of recapping this one (Fifty Shades Darker, as it's actually called), but I probably will do Fifty Shades Freed at some point. Just not right away.

For now, I'm out.

Thursday, November 06, 2014

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 13)

Ok! We are SO CLOSE to the end, I can FEEL IT. So let's do this thing and sally forth to Volume 13. This one's got its fair share of rage-inducing moments, so HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS.

(Catch up: Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12)

José heads off home and as soon as the lift doors have closed, Christian notes how José "still wants into your panties, Ana", because the only thing certain in this life are death, taxes and everyone wanting to have sex with Ana Steele. Christian notes that Ana didn't tell José that they're engaged and Ana points out that she wants to tell her mother and Ray, her stepfather first. Christian says that he should ask Ray for his permission and Ana laughs it off, saying this isn't the eighteenth century and that they'll talk about it later. (Remember this bit and in particular the fact that Ana wants to tell Ray herself.)

She changes the subject by saying that she wants to give Christian his other birthday presents. The first one is a small wooden model helicopter with a solar powered rotor blade, which she had obviously gotten before the almost-crash, but Christian loves it.

“It’ll keep me company while we salvage Charlie Tango.”
“Is it salvageable?”
“I don’t know. I hope so. I’ll miss her, otherwise.”
Her? I am shocked at myself for the small pang of jealousy I feel for an inanimate object. 

My subconscious snorts with derisory laughter. I ignore her.

Me and her subconscious should get hammered together and bitch about Ana.

The next present is the one she was putting together when she found the sexy photos hidden in Christian's room and is a box full of stuff he owns, such as his iPod, his silver tie, a butt plug and nipple clamps. Ana wants back into the playroom but Christian is anxious and asks if she's sure. She is, as long as there's no "whips and stuff", so it's off to the playroom they go, for more banging.

Christian pauses before going into the playroom, to make sure Ana is certain that she wants to get freaky with him and asks if there's anything she doesn't want to do, despite the fact that she literally just said what she didn't want to do at the end of the last chapter. No whips and stuff, pay attention, geebag.

Before going inside, Ana asks Christian not to take any photos of her once they're in there. He looks at her weirdly and agrees not to, so they enter the room and he tells Ana to strip off. He then holds up the butt plug that Ana had placed in the gift box and explains that it's too big to start with, so he's going to use his little finger instead.

I gasp, shocked. Fingers...there?


Christian then swaps the nipple clamps Ana had chosen for some less severe ones, because she didn't have a fucking clue what she was doing while putting together this gift of things he already owns. Ana asks how he wants her to behave and Christian is like "eh, however you want to".

"Were you expecting my alter ego, Anastasia?" he asks, his tone vaguely mocking and bemused at once. I blink at him.
"Well, yes. I like him," I murmur.

No you fucking don't! That was the whole reason you left at the end of the first fucking travesty of a book. WEREN'T YOU THERE?

He then gets her to kneel on a table, facing him and cuffs her arms together behind her back.

This man is going to be my husband. Can one lust after one's husband like this? I don't remember reading about that anywhere.

No Ana, people usually get married because they hate each other.

Ana is then blindfolded and Christian puts a vibrator inside her, which, she is astonished to discover, vibrates. Who knew. It's in her vagina, by the way, which isn't totally clear when you're reading it, because it's all "there", "down there", "not here, but here" so it's anyone's guess where Christian's fingers are at any given time. Australia, possibly. Then there's more riding, followed by her usual "I love him so much, he's all mine, etc etc" bollocks.

So many sides of Christian - his sweet, gentle persona and his rugged, I-can-do-what-I-fucking-well-like-to-you-and-you'll-come-like-a-train Dominant side - his fifty shades, all of him.

As I've typed out that excerpt, there's a big red "this is grammatically incorrect or misspelled" line under most of it and I'm like, TELL ME ABOUT IT, COMPUTER. Someone needs to confiscate the fucking hyphen button on EL's laptop. Also, how does one come like a train? Like, by shouting "CHOO CHOOO!" at the moment of climax? Overcharging for a return trip to Cork? Who the fuck knows.

I'm aware we don't know each other well, and we have a mountain of issues to overcome, but I know for each other, we will - and we'll have a lifetime to do it.

She's marrying this guy. That she doesn't know well. But he's hot, so yay, I guess.

Apparently, after all the sex, they "talked and talked and talked", but instead of letting us in on any potential character development, when we rejoin them Ana is taking the piss out of Kate with an impersonation that Christian is finding hilarious, because meaningful dialogue is for chumps.

"To think it could have been her who came to interview me. Thank the Lord for the common cold," he murmurs and kisses my nose. 

Yeah, because Kate probably wouldn't take your domineering bullshit and would tell you to take your misogynistic, controlling attitude and shove it up your hole. Thank god for a naive sap like Ana who can be manipulated and kept in a constant state of fear around you. PHEW.

They eventually get up and Christian has some work to do, so Ana gets busy making lunch, seeing as Christian is bewildered by something as basic as slicing peppers.

Christian is in his study on the phone. Taylor is with him, looking serious but casual in jeans and a tight, black t-shirt.


Taylor comes into the kitchen, where Ana is, and she asks if his daughter is ok.

"Yes, thanks. My ex-wife thought she had appendicitis, but she was overreacting as usual." Taylor rolls his eyes, surprising me.

NO TAYLOR! What the hell, dude? You don't slag off your ex for being TOO concerned about your daughter's goddamn health! Why'd you have to do me like this, Taylor? WHY?

Anyway, he calls Ana "ma'am" at the end of their conversation.

I flush...will I ever get used to Taylor calling me ma'am? It makes me feel so old, at least thirty.

At least thirty.


Ana checks her phone, and there's a text from Kate, saying she's looking forward to seeing her that evening and catching up properly. Ana replies "Same here" and thinks about how good it will be to talk to Kate. After sending a two-word text message to her friend that she hasn't seen properly in about a year (I swear that's what it feels like at this stage), Ana then proceeds to EMAIL CHRISTIAN WHO IS IN THE NEXT ROOM. GODFUCKINGDAMMIT. What's almost worse is that he actually replies and it's making me wish that the Doctor would materialise, tie the two of them together, fly to a black hole in outer space and kick the pair of them out the door of the TARDIS. Then come and get me for some sexy adventures in space and time and really, that's a whole other fanfic right there.

Ana goes to the study where Christian is working, to let him know that lunch is ready. He says he has one more call to make and then notices the dress she's wearing, which was in the wardrobe full of clothes that he had a personal shopper choose for her.

“That dress is very short,” he adds.
“You like it?” I give him a quick twirl. It’s one of Caroline Acton’s purchases. A soft turquoise sundress, probably more suitable for the beach, but it’s such a lovely day on so many levels. He frowns and my face falls.
“You look fantastic in it, Ana. I just don’t want anyone else to see you like that.”


Moments later, Christian emerges from the study with the phone, with Ray on the line, because he went ahead and called him anyway to ask his permission to marry Ana, just like she explicitly asked him not to do earlier. Remember? "Let's talk about it later" clearly means "go ahead and do whatever you want when it comes to my life and family." DICK.

Ana is understandably pissed off with Christian, but takes the phone and talks to Ray, who's wondering what the hell is going on, considering it's been a matter of weeks since they got together. Ana explains that Christian, the man who ignores her wishes and doesn't want anyone to see her looking nice in a dress, is her "happily ever after" and Ray just says he hopes she knows what she's doing and agrees to give her away at the wedding. Christian takes the phone back and then comes into the kitchen after a few minutes, proudly declaring that he has Ray's "rather begrudging" blessing.

Ray could learn a thing or two from Mel Horowitz.

Despite Ana being quite rightly pissed off with Christian, he's delighted, because he got what he wanted, and remember kids, how Ana feels about it doesn't actually matter.

He’s acting like he’s just negotiated a major new merger or acquisition, which I suppose on one level, he has.


While they're eating lunch, Christian asks Ana why she said not to take photos of her in the playroom, so she confesses that she found his pictures of former subs. It turns out that they're usually in a safe and Leila must have moved them. Yeah, I don't know why either, or why she'd go to the trouble of hiding them. Also, apparently they're Christan's "insurance policy" against exposure, despite the fact that trust between parties is equally as - if not more important than - getting off in BDSM relationships. It would be much less creepy if he just took the photos to wank over. Also, Leila could open the safe because Christian has the combination written down, the fucking genius.

“I wonder what else she knows and if she’s taken anything else out of there.”


Ana then decides to call her mother and make a birthday cake for her new owner.

“A cake?”
I nod.
“A chocolate cake?”
“You want a chocolate cake?” His grin is infectious.

Like crabs.

Ana then rings her mother to tell her about the engagement, and her first response is to ask if Ana is knocked up. Because, duh.

“No, no, no, nothing like that.” Disappointment slices through my heart, and I’m saddened that she would think that of me.

THAT SHE WOULD THINK THAT OF ME. WOW. I think EL James might be Katie Hopkins in disguise. Christ. Imagine. Ana's mother then gets upset on the phone when she wishes that Ana's father was still alive to see her getting married and Ana's all "the familiar tale is retold...again" and "She’s wistful and maudlin again" because she's just AWFUL. It's totally understandable for her mother to wish Ana's dad was around for such a milestone and it wouldn't kill Ana to not be such a little bitch about it.

I shake my head thinking about my mythical father.


Anyway, after the phonecall, Ana gets busy making the birthday cake but has to run out to the shop for some chocolate to finish it off. On her way out, Christian asks if she's going to "put on some jeans or something", otherwise the whole world will be able to see her whore legs and this will devalue her as one of his investments. Ana rolls her eyes and leaves, although the line "I make it to the elevator before he catches up with me" is pretty unnerving. While she's out, Ana decides that the dress actually is a bit too short and immediately regrets making him angry.

But I feel strongly that I should wear what I like.


When she gets back to the apartment, Ana apologises to Christian for wearing a dress that he bought for her.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

I believe it's called NOT BEING A FUCKING DOORMAT.

Christian apologises for being a cunt and tells her to wear what she likes (WOW THANKS) and they fuck in the study, because of course they do. All their problems are solved by banging. Or at least, ignored in favour of banging. Oh, and while she was at the ATM, Ana discovered that Christian has put $50,000 in her bank account without telling her and her only reaction is "And so it begins."

They eat the stupid fucking cake and then head to Christian's parents house for his birthday party. However, Kate is there before them and furious. She corners Ana and Christian alone in the dining room and waves a piece of paper at them, demanding to know what the fuck it is. Ana takes it from her and it's a printout of her email response to Christian, discussing the sex contract from the first book. No, I don't know why Christian printed out her email either. Who the fuck prints out emails?

EL James, probably.

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

I've talked before about how much I love Street Fighter II and beat 'em up games in general, and when I was a young wan playing my cousin's SNES, I'd always play as the girl character. Mortal Kombat? I'm Kitana or Mileena (Sonya just seemed kinda boring in comparison). Killer Instinct? I'm Orchid. Street Fighter? I'm obviously Chun Li.

She's a character I've wanted to dress up as for a long time, but it always just sort of seemed like it would be a bit too hard. I mean, the dress! The spiky bracelets! All that kicking! However, after taking a look on, I found a short blue cheongsam being sold not too far from where I live, and by a weird stroke of luck, it turned out that I knew the seller, who very generously offered to give it to me, so I swapped with her for a bottle of wine. It needed a little bit of altering, but thankfully my mam is handy with a sewing machine, which was just as well as I can hardly sew a button without stabbing my finger with a needle.

The spiky bracelets needed to be huge and cartoony. I didn't want to use the small studded leather type ones that I wore back when I was a nineteen year old metaller in a homemade Slayer t-shirt, so I was going to have to make them. Which I did! Out of foam, duct tape and party hats, of all things.

I'm not going to lie, I was pretty excited with how they turned out.

The pigtail covers were white circles of fabric with a bit of elastic to keep them over my hair and I stuck some gold star stickers to the ribbons, which isn't strictly canon but I figured if anyone deserves some gold stars, it's Chun Li. Plus they matched the gold thread in the dress, so why the hell not.

I wanted orangey-red coloured tights for the old school Chun Li look and found a pair that were just the right colour. Unfortunately they were from American Apparel, a shop I dislike quite a bit because their ad campaigns look like they've been shot by a sex offender. However, there was 20% off on the day I went in, so that was some consolation. The runners were from New Look and reduced to €6, in fact they were the only pair left and just happened to be in my size. I have to say, this costume mostly came together through blind luck and duct tape.

Anyway! Off we went to Rocky Horror in the Sugar Club for their Halloween show, we had a blast, there was a lot of pretend fighting and I managed not to fall over, which is most unlike me. Speaking of pretend fighting, here I am squaring up to my friend Fi, aka Harley Quinn on the night.

If that was a real video game I'd totally play it.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Quelque Chose #27

It's Halloweeeeeeeen! I love this time of year, although this unseasonal heat can feck right off as far as I'm concerned. October is for boots and scarves and jumpers and crunchy leaves, not sweating your make-up off by the time you've walked into work. Boo and indeed, hiss.

Anyway, look at this great Halloweeny photo of tiny old witches sitting down for tea!

Except of course they're not witches, they're elderly ladies in a home for impoverished women in Norfolk in the 1920s. The refuge was set up in the early 1600s and the "sisters" who lived there dressed in traditional black hats and gowns when they went to church on Sundays. They look like witches because the typical pop culture idea of what a witch looks like was based on how old women that lived in the countryside used to dress.

It's still a pretty great photo though.

Have a super Halloween everybody, whether you're going out in fancy dress and covered in fake blood, or getting drunk on the couch and watching Hocus Pocus. Either one sounds like lots of fun.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 12)

When we last left our insipid heroine, her manipulative and deeply unpleasant boyfriend had just been reported missing, but apparently this is a bad thing and not cause to celebrate. And so, with our fingers crossed that he died in the middle of an angry strangle-wank, onwards we go to Volume 12.

(Catch up: Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 aaaand 11)

The next chapter opens with Ana staring at the fireplace in Christian's apartment, while pretty much every other character in the book is milling around quietly in the background, being worried and watching the news coverage, which includes rolling headlines declaring CHRISTIAN GREY MISSING. But all these other people, such as Christian's parents and siblings, are a mere backdrop to Ana's pain and inner turmoil. Ana is replaying conversations with Christian in her head, things like "Carpe diem, Ana", “You’re my lifeline” and other things he's said between bouts of being furious with her.

It's all very serious, you guys. Because Christian has been missing...



It's one of the dumbest fucking things to happen so far and this is Fifty Shades we're talking about here. It's wall-to-wall dumb shit, but this one takes the fucking cake. And then licks it so no one else can have any.

At one point Mia, the girl whose brother is missing ("missing") comes to sit beside Ana and comfort her, some bird he's known for all of five weeks. I can't help but feel that that should be the other way around. But anyway.

“He will come back,” she says, her voice initially determined but cracking on the last word. Her eyes are wide and red-rimmed, her face pale and pinched from lack of sleep.


Seriously, if that editor hasn't been tied up or kidnapped or chloroformed, then they have a lot of explaining to do. Like, A LOT.

Ana continues to wring her hands over Christian being gone for what is an average work day, thinking about how super brilliant he is.

He is so many people: control freak, CEO, stalker, sex god, Dom - and at the same time - such a boy with his toys. I smile. His car, his boat, his plane...Charlie Tango... no... no...

I feel like someone needs to take her aside and explain that "stalker" and "control freak" are not actually good character traits in a boyfriend, particularly when the "control freak" aspect tends to be concerned with her job, what she wears, who she socialises with and her menstrual cycle. Also, I quite like how Ana's strained "Charlie" sounds as though she's more upset over the helicopter than anything else.

Anyway, Christian eventually turns up, because of course he's not dead, such is our luck. His family all start crying, everyone is delighted to see him and Christian is completely bewildered. Join the club, dude. But not so bewildered that he doesn't find something to get mad at Ana for. Of course.

He looks up and scans the room until his eyes lock with mine. He blinks and glances briefly at José, who lets go of my hand. Christian’s mouth tightens.

How DARE she hold the hand of her male friend while thinking her horrible boyfriend might be dead? She's probably pregnant with José's Latino baby by now.

But never mind all THAT!

He spies Taylor hovering at the entrance and nods. Taylor nods back.
“Your daughter?”
“She’s fine now. False alarm, sir.”
“Good.” Christian smiles.
Daughter? What happened to Taylor’s daughter?

WHAT THE HELL YOU GUYS? What HAPPENED? I can't believe we were stuck with Ana moping around, staring at a fire and putting us through her and Christian's dumbass conversations while there was actual excitement involving Taylor going on elsewhere! GODDAMMIT!

Anyway, Christian explains that he was flying back from Vancouver in the helicopter with his assistant, Ros (who?), they took a detour to see Mount St. Helens, when a fire broke out in the tail of the helicopter. He had to make an emergency landing and managed to put the fire out.

“How did you put out the fire?” asks Kate, her Carla Bernstein instincts kicking in. Jeez, she sounds terse sometimes.

And you sound like a fucking insufferable idiot ALL THE TIME. Also, there's no famous person called Carla Bernstein. When you Google the name, the first result is for the investigative reporter Carl Bernstein, who was instrumental in breaking the Watergate scandal and wrote All The President's Men. Other than that, there's a health worker in Queensland, Australia called Carla Bernstein, but I don't think that's who EL James meant. So. Yeah. If only there were some female reporters that she could have used as a reference instead. It might have actually made sense then.

"How did you put out the fire?” asks Kate, her April O'Neil from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles instincts kicking in."

There. Fixed it for you.

Christian continues, and tells them that they couldn't radio for help because the electronics on Charlie Tango were out, there was no coverage for them to call anyone on either of their mobiles, so they ended up making their way to the nearest road.

"It took us four hours to walk there. Ros was in heels.” Christian’s mouth presses into a disapproving flat line.

Oh, so he's a judgemental dick to women he isn't actually banging, too. That's interesting.

Once they got as far as the road, a truck driver then picked them up and gave them a lift as far as Seattle, but apparently he didn't have a phone (because long-haul drivers don't need to communicate with anyone, ever! This is definitely real life) so they still couldn't call anyone to explain why they hadn't arrived when their flight plan said they would. Oh, and they couldn't stop to make a call at any point because Christian was so anxious to be back. Because José was staying over. And clearly Ana can't be trusted not to immediately have sex with the first penis waved in front of her when Christian isn't around.

Everyone goes home and José goes to bed, because being left in a room with Christian and Ana eye-fucking each other and CONSTANTLY MUMBLING legally counts as torture under the UN Declaration of Human Rights. Christian takes the gift box that Ana gave him earlier that week out of his jacket pocket and Ana tells him he can open it, because it's after midnight and technically his birthday. Inside is a crappy souvenir LED keyring, but it's flashing the word YES on one side. Yaaay, she's going to marry him. It's such a good idea.

He inhales sharply and moves suddenly, grabbing me and swinging me round in a most un-Fiftylike manner. He’s laughing, young and carefree, radiating joyful elation.

Him being happy is "most un-Fiftylike" and out of character for him. Why wouldn't you want to marry someone who's absolutely zero fucking craic to be around 90% of the time?

So Christian is all delighted and then realises that she had obviously made up her mind a few days previously, before going to see Dr. Flynn, during which time he had been hassling her for an answer, so she was deliberately leaving him hanging.

“I believe some retribution is in order, Miss Steele,” he says softly.
Retribution? Oh shit! I know he’s playing - but I take a cautious step back from him anyway.

Ah yes. Love is...taking a cautious step back from your partner because you're not 100% certain that he won't fly off the handle and beat the shit out of you. AWESOME.

Christian picks Ana up, throws her over his shoulder and brings her into the bathroom. He pauses to take his phone, wallet and keys out of his pockets and turns the shower on so they both get soaked with cold water and it all sounds highly unpleasant, if you ask me. And I guess it's just as well Ana didn't have anything in her pockets that would get damaged by water, but even if she did, her possessions and feelings don't actually matter, as long as Christian is happy.

They undress each other and Ana grabs the body wash, which has been an ever-present smell throughout this book.

He smells of fresh laundry, body wash, and Christian - the most calming and arousing scent on the planet.

He smells of linen, fabric softener, body wash, and my favorite smell - Christian.

He smells outdoorsy, slightly sweaty, of body wash, and Christian, the most welcome scent in the world.

Those are genuinely three separate lines from this book. Christian constantly smells like body wash and Christian. Even after a helicopter crash landing, putting out a fire, walking through backwoods for four hours and being in a truck for six hours. It's pretty pungent stuff.

Anyway, they bang in the shower and because it's Saturday, Ana's contraceptive injection has kicked in so we're spared the "telltale rip of the foil packet", THANK FUCK.

The next morning, Ana wakes up before Christian, and decides to make breakfast for him, as it's his birthday. She goes out into the kitchen, to find José eating cereal.

I can’t help but flush when I see him. He knows I’ve spent the night with Christian. Why do I suddenly feel so shy? It’s not as if I’m naked or anything. I’m wearing my silk floor-length wrap.


“Morning, José,” I smile, brazening it out. (What the fuck is there to "brazen out" exactly? He's not your mother, you're a grown ass woman. Technically.)
“Hey, Ana!” His face lights up, genuinely pleased to see me. There’s no hint of teasing or salacious contempt in his expression.


José observes that Ana is really into Christian and when she tells him that she's in love, he jokes "What's not to love?" while gesturing around the enormous apartment.

Hmm... will I always have this leveled at me? That I’m marrying Christian for his money?


Also, yet another annoying thing about Ana is the amount of times she says "Hmm..." It comes off as such lazy, filler-type writing. The word "Hmm" appears 55 times in this book. FIFTY FIVE. FIFTY FIVE FUCKING SHADES OF HMMM. It's like EL James has a bag of word magnets, fires a handful at the fridge door and writes down the results. The repetition in this series might actually be impressive if it didn't make me want to fling every copy of this book into the sea.

Ana changes the subject and offers to make an omlette for José, "I don’t want to argue" she thinks, despite the fact that no one is arguing, you clown. Christian appears in the kitchen, wearing only pyjama bottoms "that hang in that totally hot way off his hips - Jeez!" EVERYONE FINISH YOUR DRINK.

He proceeds to shift the face off Ana, to make things as uncomfortable as possible and manages to stop short of peeing on her and growling at José. He chills out when José mentions a fishing trip he's going on with his dad and the pair of them chat about that for a while.

Aaand we're going to leave it there for this week, because I'm out of booze. And patience.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Fifty Shades Of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 11)

Alright, let's take care of some bidness.

(Catch up: Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10)

Christian and Ana arrive at Dr. Flynn's office, and I immediately want to push Ana down a flight of stairs when they meet the receptionist.

"She greets Christian warmly, a little too warmly for my taste - jeez, she's old enough to be his mother - and he knows her name."

OF COURSE HE KNOWS HER FUCKING NAME, HE'S BEEN COMING HERE FOR AGES. Also, just in case we'd forgotten, every other female character in this book is a rampaging whore, according to Ana. They go into the office and great care is taken to tell us exactly what the room looks like and what Ana thought it would look like and where Christian sits and how exactly all of his limbs are arranged and that he and Ana are at right angles to each other and it's all just so goddamn unnecessary. It's like the dancefloor exits from the fundraiser party all over again.

Dr. Flynn asks Christian what he'd like to discuss, Christian "shrugs like a surly teen" (so sexy) and says that Ana was the one who wanted to see him. It's all really awkward, which should come as no surprise to anyone who isn't an idiot, considering that Ana has known Christian for all of five weeks and now they're in therapy together. Dr. Flynn asks Ana if she'd be more comfortable if Christian left them alone for a bit. She says yes, so Christian gets into a huff and "stalks out of the room", because of course he fucking does.

Oh, hey Christian.
Dr. Flynn then appears to forget how to talk to other humans who aren't qualified therapists, as he keeps tossing out terms like "Solution-Focused Brief Therapy", "haphephobia" (fear of being touched, apparently) and "parasomnia" (night terrors) while talking about Christian and the progress he's made. It just feels like EL James found a bunch of words in a psychology textbook and wanted to show them off but had no idea how. She'd have been better off just replacing Dr. Flynn and Ana's whole conversation with a recipe for a pasta bake or something. It would've been infinitely more entertaining and actually useful. All that happens, apart from EL James shoehorning in phrases like "Damascene conversion" is Flynn telling Ana on as normal or something? Like, we don't actually learn anything new, it's just a completely unrealistic conversation that somehow manages to be incredibly boring. It also includes Flynn telling Ana how attractive she is and saying "there's no point in breast-beating about the past" and "we can all beat our breasts about it" within one page of dialogue. Just give me the fucking pasta bake instructions instead.

Afterwards, Ana gets a call from José and has to talk in monosyllables to him because Christian is standing there glaring at her the entire time she's on the phone.

"So are you allowed out tomorrow?"
"Of course I am." I hope. I automatically cross my fingers.

What an awesome relationship. If only I could buy some flammable clothes with quotes from this awesome relationship printed on them. From, say, Tesco.

Oh yeah. I can. (Tip o' the hat to Aoife and Catherine for that particular revelation.)

Ana and Christian then argue about who gets to drive and I start to wonder why Christian even bought Ana a car in the first place if he's never going to let her drive it. He also has the gall to say "I don't like to be driven" WHEN THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT TAYLOR IS EMPLOYED TO DO. THIS FUCKING GUY.

Ana eventually gets to drive and the arguing continues, to the point that she pulls over so they can get out of the car and argue at each other some more by the side of the road. Honestly, the next four pages consist almost entirely of these dickholes arguing. Then Christian drives and is being all mysterious about where he's taking Ana.

They eventually arrive at a big mansion on the coast and are greeted by a woman who, of course, Ana is in immediate competition with.

Her isn't-he-dreamily-gorgeous-wish-he-was-mine flush does not go unnoticed.

The lady turns out to be an estate agent and Ana manages to restrain herself from scratching this bitch's eyes out long enough for Christian to steer her out the back to the terrace. There's a super amazing view from there and then the sky is described for us in a manner that sounds like Ana working her way through a Dulux colour chart.

Vermillion hues bleed into the sky - opals, aquamarines, ceruleans - melding with the darker purples of the scant wispy clouds and the land beyond the Sound.

Christian then asks Ana how she'd like to live there "for the rest of her life" (so, probably until Christian murders her in a jealous rage for smiling at the postman) and says how he's always coveted these houses on the coast. Oh and that he intends to buy this one, knock it down and build a new one in its place.

"Why do you want to demolish it?" I ask, looking back at him. 
His face falls slightly. Oh no.
"I'd like to make a more sustainable home, using the latest ecological techniques."

Well that makes perfect fucking sense! Why there's nothing more environmentally friendly than pointlessly tearing down a perfectly good house and wasting a bunch of resources building a new one in it's place! After all, houses are usually constructed by the fucking fairies from Fern Gully and an architect just wishing really hard. Seriously though, how did this idiot ever become a bajillionaire?

Ana asks to look around the house, which has a music room, library, indoor pool, a games room and a cinema in the basement and Ana's conclusion is:

It's a little shabby now, but nothing that some TLC couldn't cure.


As they drive back into the city, Christian says he's going to buy the house and Ana asks if that means he'll sell the penthouse apartment in Escala and he's like "duh, no, I'm Daddy Bigbucks, idiot" because a husband keeping an apartment in the city always ends well.

They're going for dinner to celebrate Ana's completely ridiculous promotion and Christian takes her to some fancy members club called - groan - The Mile High Club. Hang on, I just have to chase my eyeballs across the floor as they appear to have rolled entirely out of my head. Before they sit down to dinner, Christian tells Ana to go and take her knickers off and they have a really annoying dinner where Ana is AMAZED when she's served sea bass ("I don't believe it" - wuh?) and Christian makes a point of not touching Ana in order to drive her sex-wild. It works, so Ana performs a blowjob on some asparagus to get back at him and on and on it goes until they finally finish dinner and Ana appears to have forgotten how to talk.

"I believe you have certain expectations, Miss Steele. Which I intend to fulfill to the best of my ability."
"The best...of your a...bil...ity?" I stutter.

A - That's not a stutter. B - Christian, your love doll robot appears to be malfunctioning.

The pair of them are so horny that Christian fingers Ana in the lift on the way down to the ground floor, despite the fact that the lift IS FULL OF PEOPLE.

Oh my. I gape at the people in front of us, staring at the backs of their heads. They have no idea what we're up to. 

No Ana, they're all just too fucking polite and uncomfortable to acknowledge you getting fingerbanged in the corner behind them. Unless that lift is utterly massive, they know what's happening.

As they walk through the lobby, Ana mentions that she's never had sex in a car.

Christian halts and places those same fingers under my chin, tipping my head back and glaring down at me.
“I’m very pleased to hear that. I have to say I’d be very surprised, not to say mad, if you had.” 
I flush, blinking up at him. Of course; I’ve only had sex with him. I frown.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean?” His tone is unexpectedly harsh.
“Christian, it was just an expression.”
“The famous expression, ‘I’ve never had sex in a car.’ Yes, it just trips off the tongue.”

Jesus Christ, she was just thinking out loud you massive tool. He actually just looks for things to fly off the handle about. They get as far as the foyer of Christian's apartment before they end up boning on the table by the lift and Christian gives out to Ana for closing her eyes while they're fucking, because in case you hadn't noticed by now, HE'S THE WORST.

The next morning, Christian has left early for a meeting and while Ana is getting ready to leave for work, she thinks of another present for him, but we're not told what it actually is exactly, because, again, fake suspense for shit I don't care about. While looking through some drawers for one of Christian's ties, (because this has something to do with the present) Ana finds a black box full of photos of former subs in the playroom. While driving into work, she wonders whether she should tell Christian that she found the photos.

No, screams my subconscious, her Edvard Munch face on.

What she means here is that her subconscious is making a face like Munch's The Scream. It's a face that she makes quite a lot, because, like the whole Icarus thing, once EL James has found a metaphor she likes, she proceeds to use it and then reuse it and use it again a few times, until the arse has been well and truly torn out of it.

Either that, or Ana's subconscious actually just looks like Edvard Munch at this point. In any case, I'm sure he'd be super-jazzed to know that his most famous painting, borne of years of depression, family tragedy and anxiety has been used as shorthand for a fictional idiot's imaginary friend being worried.

Ana gets into the office and immediately begins sending stupid emails back and forth with Christian, until she admits that she's planning a surprise for his birthday, which he replies to with a terse "I hate it when you keep things from me." We can only assume that he stomped his foot when he pressed send, and then he doesn't reply to her for the rest of the day. Ana meets José and Ethan after work and Kate is finally back from her four year holiday in Barbados so she comes along too and meets them at the bar, complimenting Ana on the dress she's wearing. I'm betting that she's just glad Ana finally has some goddamn clothes of her own and maybe now she'll get her fucking plum dress back.

There's still been no reply from Christian, so something is definitely wrong because he can't go ten minutes without emailing her. Ana's suspicions are confirmed when Elliot calls and tells her that Christian and his helicopter have GONE MISSING. ERMAHGERD.

Hopefully he's dead.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 10)

Well, we're ten volumes in and it's frankly amazing that I haven't developed a drinking problem at this point. I think four more of these will see us through and out the other side so I get can back to sunshiney Sweet Valley and whatever else happens to catch my attention and/or ire.

 (Catch up: Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9)

So Ana is now trapped in the office kitchen with Jack, her very creepy boss who rambles on about how he had to fight for her to get her job and that he looked through her work email account but the only personal emails were from her to Christian and all of Christian's replies were deleted. So remember earlier when Christian kept giving out to Ana, telling her to use her Blackberry instead of emailing him through her work address, even though he kept fucking replying to it? He had one of his shady IT minions go into the server and delete all his emails to her, but left Ana's replies there, which makes NO SENSE AT ALL. But logic is a bonerkiller in these books, so never mind that.

Anyway, Jack accuses her of being a corporate spy and tries to blackmail her for sex. Then he weirdly calls her a "cock-blocking prick tease", which makes me wonder if he actually knows what cock-blocking means. He gets increasingly horrible and rapey, until Ana eventually knees him in the balls and runs away. Although not before snarling "Have a nice trip. And in the future, get your own damn coffee" at him. Which just seems foolish. I mean if you've just managed to stop a sex attacker, don't stand around being quippy, get the fuck out of there. Leave the snappy dialogue to Buffy.

Ana runs outside the office and collapses on the footpath outside, where Christian and Taylor have been waiting. However, instead of actually being concerned for Ana, Christian is furious because someone else tried to play with his toy. Taylor runs into the office building, presumably to bring the pain as only Taylor can, and Christian goes to follow him. Ana pleads with him not to leave her, and when she tells him that Jack has her personal emails to Christian, he calls up his guy to delete them and snarls "I am so mad at you right now" at his girlfriend who, moments ago, was ALMOST ASSAULTED.

He's so angry with her that "a frisson of fear" runs through Ana.

"This is Very Angry Christian. I've not seen him this mad before. He's barely holding on to his self-control."

Wowww and I'M barely holding on to my knickers. Is there ANYTHING sexier than a romantic hero whose anger terrifies his girlfriend? And when you read a line like "He narrows his eyes at me. He punches a number into his Blackberry" and you genuinely wouldn't be all that surprised if "a number into his Blackberry" was replaced by "Ana in the face", you KNOW you're onto a winner.

He then leaves her in the car and joins Taylor and eventually the two of them re-emerge with Jack holding a storage box in the universal sign for "just been sacked".

"Opening the driver's door, Christian slides smoothly into the seat, presumably because I am in the front, and Taylor gets in behind me."

Wise move, Grey. Couldn't have Taylor sitting beside Ana, seeing as his raw sexual magnetism would have Ana hopping onto his lap and riding him the whole way to Escala. Christian is cranky with Ana the entire way back, until he pounces on her in a sex-rage while they're in the lift. "I taste his relief, his longing, and his residual anger while his tongue possesses my mouth." Er, lovely.

"He said you kicked him in the balls." Christian's tone is lighter with a trace of admiration, and I think I'm forgiven.


However, all of ten seconds passes before the next argument, when Ana brings up her Friday hangout with José. Christian doesn't like it of course, but finally concedes that José can stay in his apartment for the night so he can "keep an eye on him", presumably while keeping a samurai sword pointed at José's chest at all times. Then Christian has to go do some work, so he leaves Ana to wander around the apartment, bored out of her mind, because she has none of her own stuff there and Christian's apartment is where fun comes to die.

She eventually finds the door of the playroom and discovers that it's open, so she goes in to have a look around.

"It's as I remember it. A womb-like room."

A womb like room in which he bangs women that look like his mother.

Ana is looking through a drawer full of butt plugs when Christian arrives in and suddenly she's scared of him again, because she feels like she's trespassing, oh and she also tosses out this little gem:

"You're always mad at me."

Now there's an indicator of a healthy relationship if ever I saw one. Anyway, Christian then says "Am I angry with you all the time? I wasn't this morning." Oh YEAH, there were those ten minutes earlier that day when he wasn't scowling or snarling or hissing at her. His mouth didn't even harden into a grim line, I mean how is that not enough for this broad? For real though, he's angry with her almost as often as I am, and THAT'S all the time.

So Ana continues her tour of the sex toy press, finding a set of anal beads, which Christian then explains to her.

Oh! I examine them with fascinated horror. All of these, inside me...there!

Now come on Ana, if you're going to start referring to your asshole as "there", when that's already what you call your vagina, things are going to get very confusing. Eventually, Ana comes across a spreader bar, decides she likes the idea of this one, so it's riding time. Christian carries her to the bedroom, while Ana's inner goddess "pole vaults from the bunker onto her chaise longue" (unfortunately she doesn't land on her head and break her fucking neck) and if you'll excuse me a moment, there's some rum over there that I need to be pounding right about now.

They eventually get to the bedroom after Christian compares his proclivity for whips 'n chains to alcoholism (i.e. A DISEASE. Go fuck yourself, EL James) and there's SO MUCH shite-talk and terrible flirty banter, it's just unbearable. To be honest, this book's greatest crime, apart from the awful, repetitive writing, the romanticising of an abusive relationship, the complete misunderstanding of BDSM relationships and the central characters that you'd happily set fire to, is that it's...




They eventually get to the bedroom and Christian sets about strapping Ana's ankles at either end of the bar.

Reaching down he grasps the bar and twists it so I flip on to my front. It takes me by surprise.

It takes her by surprise? I would expect so, seeing as he's probably broken both of her fucking ankles right there. Either that or this is proof that Ana has actually been a plank in a bra this whole time, seeing as human bodies don't just flip over like that. Certainly not the ones with spines, anyway.

Banging ensues, followed by sleep, followed by morning banging, during which Christian somehow manages to kiss Ana "chastely" while fingering her, defying all logic and the very definition of the word chaste. Right before all of this though, Ana makes note of Christian's "dazzling, all-American-drop-dead-male-model-perfect-teeth smile". Good lord. So many hyphens. So much terrible.

Ana finally gets to drive her new Saab to work, although Christian comes with her so he can point to the ignition and tell her that's where the key goes (he actually does this) and not let her listen to the radio because he wants her to concentrate. Even though she's been driving for years and he's not her dad. Christian has arranged for the two of them to meet his therapist, Dr. Flynn, that evening, because Ana wants to ask him a bunch of questions about Christian that completely contravene doctor-patient confidentiality.

Before all that though, Ana has to go to work and is immediately summoned to Elizabeth the HR lady's office, who wants Ana to fill in for Jack until they find a replacement. Ana, who has been working there FOR A WEEK AS AN ASSISTANT in her first job out of college and spends all her time sending idiotic emails to her jerk boyfriend is now acting commissioning editor. Elizabeth assures her that she'll be well able (my HOLE) and praises her "shrewd mind". Everyone in this book falls over themselves to tell Ana how clever she is, despite there being absolutely no evidence of that. Anywhere. There's cheese in my fridge that has more intelligence than Ana Steele.

She sits down in her new office and calls Christian, telling him the news and asks whether he had anything to do with it. He says he didn't, but Ana asks again as she's not entirely convinced.

He is silent for a moment, and then he says in a low menacing voice. “Do you doubt me? It angers me that you do.”

Boyfriend! Of! The Year! Why be reassuring and sound when you can be menacing and angry and generally act like a cuntbucket rage-monster! Also, fuck this guy right in his facehole. He tries to control literally every aspect of Ana's life, so it's not exactly beyond the realms of possibility that he's still pulling strings on her career, seeing as HE BOUGHT THE FUCKING COMPANY SHE WORKS FOR. I mean it's not as if her asking the question is coming out of nowhere, considering his past behaviour. The prick.

Ana apologises (ARGH. TEXTBOOK ABUSIVE BULLSHIT) and they murmur at each other for a while. No, really.

“Okay,” I murmur. “I’d better go. I have to move offices.”
“If you need me. I mean it,” he murmurs.

Murmurmurmurmur. They are constantly murmuring and muttering and whispering and JUST FUCKING ENUNCIATE ALREADY. It's amazing that anyone can hear a word they say.

It's actually out of control. Check this out:

Amount of times people "murmur": 100
Amount of times people "whisper": 100
Amount of times people "mutter": 100


Anyway, Ana's new job entails a lunchtime meeting, but she was supposed to meet Mia for lunch that day. Conveniently, Ethan turns up at the office right before Mia does, to see if Ana wanted to get lunch with him, because Ana is just so in demand and interesting as a person, so she pawns Mia off on him and everybody's happy because they're both hot and therefore immediately into each other.

When Ana gets back from her meeting, Christian has sent her flowers, kicking off some more emailing back and forth and OH YAY I was HOPING there'd be more sexy and hilarious and witty emails. That's JUST what this book needs. After work, Ana wonders what to get Christan for his birthday that weekend, sudden inspiration hits her and she runs into a nearby souvenir shop. Before going into Dr. Flynn's office, Ana hands Christian the wrapped present and tells him he can't open it until Saturday. I suppose EL James has to manufacture suspense somehow now that Leila has been taken care of. I for one can't wait to find out what it is.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery 2 (Vol. 9)

While I've been doing these recaps/hatchet jobs, I've also been reading The Handmaid's Tale for the first time and it's been making me even less patient with this series, if that's possible. I know it's probably unfair to compare the two, but fuck that, we're not here for fair. The fact that both can be referred to as books doesn't sit right with me. You see, The Handmaid's Tale is an actual book and a compelling and beautifully written one at that. Fifty Shades of Grey is a badly rendered doodle of a cock on the back of a Tesco receipt. Although there's more intrigue and plot in a Tesco receipt, so maybe that's not fair either. To receipts, I mean. Every word in The Handmaid's Tale is so deliberate and filled with purpose and atmosphere, whereas Fifty Shades of Grey feels like it was written through the medium of EL James smashing her face off the keyboard. And it's one of the best selling series of all time. ALL FUCKING TIME.

And with that, onwards we go to Volume 9.

(Catch up: Vol. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8)

So Ana has arrived into her and Kate's apartment, only to find Leila standing there with a gun. SUPER TENSE MOMENT. And the first thing we're told is "My subconscious swoons into a dead faint, and I don’t think even smelling salts will bring her back." Because what we really want to know at this actually quite interesting turn of events is how Ana's stupid fucking imaginary friend is doing.

Ana proceeds to have a weird, strung-out conversation with Leila, who talks like a sad house-elf, caresses her gun and says things such as "Master is a dark man, but I love him." Ana wonders where Ethan is and hopes that Leila hasn't hurt him. Suddenly, Christian bursts into the room with Taylor behind him, which makes me wonder why he's wasting Taylor's goddamn time by employing him as a bodyguard if he's just going to burst into dangerous situations before him like that.

Taylor. Every day.
When she sees Christian, Leila freezes and he stares her down, then mouths something to her which causes her to drop to her knees in a submissive pose, the pose that Christian made Ana get into in the first book when he brought her to the playroom. It's CHILLING because it looks like Christian has brainwashed this woman. However, empathy isn't exactly Ana's strong suit.

Christian’s expression is raw, full of some unnamed emotion. It could be pity, fear, affection...or is it love? No, please, not love!

Christian tells Ana to go downstairs, like four times in a row but she doesn't want to leave him alone with Leila because she's worried that the unwashed, unwell, crazy woman with a gun IS GOING TO STEAL HER BOYFRIEND. FOR REAL.

Taylor ends up carrying Ana down the stairs to the ground floor where they meet Ethan, who has only just arrived. Once he's been filled in on the situation, he reacts like a normal person and asks if anyone has called the police, although Ana replies “No, it’s not like that” despite the fact that it's fucking exactly like that and the cops should have been called back when Leila first broke into Christian's place and tried to kill herself. But then that would resolve this whole dumbass subplot and would deprive us of all this needless dicking around.

Ana and Ethan go for a drink in the bar across the road where they just talk about Ana and her problems because she's the most important and interesting person in the whole world. Ana eventually gets back to Christian's apartment, to find Christian freaking out because he couldn't find her and she had left her bag in his car so he couldn't even track her whereabouts through her phone WHICH IS SOMETHING HE ACTUALLY SAYS. FUCK ALL THE WAY OFF CHRISTIAN.

Then Ana has another "I can't be what you need me to be" moment and tries to go so she can think things through and have a bit of space. Christian panics because he thinks she's leaving him altogether because these two fucknuts can't communicate AT ALL and in his desperation, Christian drops to his knees in the submissive pose from earlier and it's framed as this huge end-of-chapter cliffhanger.

Holy Fuck...Christian. The submissive.

It's actually so stupid that I just want Ana to laugh at him and kick him in the face. Instead, Ana stands there, appalled, thinking that it's "so wrong" and "so disturbing" that Christian is acting like a submissive, which is just a whole extra layer of gender stereotyping bullshit on this already crap-filled cake.

The thought of me dominating anyone is appalling. The thought of dominating Christian is nauseating.

This whole chapter is pretty much EL James saying a big judgmental and wildly misguided fuck you to people who partake in BDSM activities. Christian and Ana then have this long meandering conversation that goes nowhere and involves Ana prattling on about herself and it takes FUCKING AGES for anything new to happen, because at this stage we've been put through their "Don't leave me! - I won't leave, I love you, don't leave me!" conversations about a thousand goddamn times by now. Eventually the big reveal is Christian admitting that he likes to whip and fuck brown-haired girls like Ana "because you all look like the crack whore". Haaa! He's an actual motherfucker. I can't even begin to imagine how utterly insulting this must be to the BDSM community though. For real.

Ana's all "my poor damaged broken Fifty!" and then lashes out, calling him a sicko, there's some more repetitive "don't leave me! - I won't, don't leave me!" assholery before Christian reveals that Ana's magic vagina has cured him of his sadistic needs and ASKS HER TO MARRY HIM.

Ana wants time to think about it seeing as they've known each other FOR FIVE WEEKS and says she's tired and hungry and just wants to go to bed. Then there's this tiny sequence of events that don't actually mean anything but drove me fucking crazy reading it. Within half a page, Ana mentions that she's hungry, Christian says "you're hungry?", Ana replies that yes, she is. So having established that Ana is in fact hungry, Christian microwaves some macaroni and cheese for her and within that same half page, Ana suddenly comes out with “Christian, I’m really not hungry.”

JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST. Apparently EL James can't keep her own godawful story straight within HALF A FUCKING PAGE. I HATE EVERYTHING.

While they're eating their microwaved pasta, Ana asks Christian what he did with Leila in the apartment when they were left alone and hey it was no big deal, just the most inappropriate thing you've ever heard in your life.

"We talked, and I gave her a bath.” His voice is hoarse, and he continues quickly when I make no response. “And I dressed her in some of your clothes. I hope you don’t mind."

First of all, those were probably Kate's clothes seeing as Ana doesn't appear to have any of her own and secondly, WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE? Both of these idiots are raging jealousy-monsters, but Christian thought it'd be totally fiiine to give the ex-girlfriend that both looks like and tried to kill his now-girlfriend some naked bath-time and dress her in Ana's clothes? NOT. COOL. Ana then runs off crying and falls to the bathroom floor, bawling her eyes out in super dramatic fashion.

Christian doesn't understand the concept of giving someone space, so he's over there like a shot, pulling Ana into his arms and finally carrying her to bed. Ana wakes up in the middle of the night and gets up for a drink. She's gone for all of five minutes when she suddenly hears a shout from the bedroom and runs back in to find Christian having a nightmare. Because she wasn't there. She literally can't get up for a drink in the night without him freaking the fuck out IN HIS SLEEP. JESUS. Get a grip Christian, you PAIN IN THE GEE.

Once Ana wakes him up from the nightmare, he gets all gropey, but suddenly the thought of her looking like his mother has put Ana off the idea of some midnight banging. So she asks Christian to stop, as she needs some time to process all the loopy shit that's gone down in the last 24 hours and because he respects Ana and her wishes SO MUCH, he stops. No, wait...

“Christian... Stop. I can’t do this,” I whisper urgently against his mouth, my hands pushing on his upper arms.
“What? What’s wrong?” he murmurs and starts kissing my neck, running the tip of his tongue lightly down my throat. Oh...
“No, please. I can’t do this, not now. I need some time, please.”
“Oh, Ana, don’t overthink this,” he whispers as he nips my earlobe.

Oh yeah, I forgot that he's TERRIBLE AND I HATE HIM. Then follows another dumb sex scene, where Christian says “You are going to unman me, Ana” and like, who the actual fuck talks like that? Seriously? And this is actually the second time he's said that in this book. I gave him a pass the first time around because there are only so many things I can make fun of in this hape o' shite but COME ON. However, Ana is finding it hard to come, because of the whole not being into having sex in the first place thing, not to mention almost being murdered and whatnot, but it's fine because CHRISTIAN TELLS HER TO COME AND SHE MAGICALLY DOES. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW VAGINAS WORK.

Also, within four pages Christian is described as being wrapped around Ana "like a vine", Ana clings to him "like a vine" and Christian is then wrapped around her "like ivy". Just. Stop. After the sexing, Christian says how serious he is about marrying Ana.

"We can get to know each other then."

Ana is late for work the next morning so Taylor drives her super fast across the city to get there and by now Taylor looks like Mike Ehrmantraut from Breaking Bad in my head for some reason. Just a stone-cold badass dude. Ana ends up being fifteen minutes late and when Jack snaps at her not to let it happen again and orders her to type out some letter for him she genuinely thinks to herself "Why’s he so mad? What’s his problem? What have I done?"

She then proceeds to send stupid fucking emails over and back to Christian for about half an hour and takes a personal call from José, who wants to deliver the giant portaits of Ana to Seattle because his show is closing and he wants to meet her for a drink and is also hoping for a place to crash. Ana then wonders how she's going to handle this with Christian, because if your boyfriend is going to give you "a truckload of grief" (HER ACTUAL WORDS) for meeting a friend and giving them a couch to sleep on then you should DEFINITELY marry him.

“Ana!” Jack pulls me abruptly out of my reverie. Is he still mad? “Where’s that letter?”
“Er - coming.” Shit. What is eating him?


Then Ethan calls her and wants to collect keys from her again although I don't know why she doesn't just lend him her keys altogether as it's not like she can go and spend a night at her apartment without Christian throwing himself off the top of Escala in ridiculous despair. So that's two personal calls, a friend dropping by the office, incessant emails to her boyfriend instead of working, all on top of her being late into the office and Ana just CAN'T UNDERSTAND why Jack is being short with her today. It's like we're meant to think that Jack is being unreasonable and punishing Ana for having a boyfriend, when the reality of the situation is that she's fucking terrible at her job.

Jack sends her out to get his lunch and because she's actually been kinda working, there are three unopened emails from Christian on her phone, the last one of which is essentially PLEASE ANSWER ME WHERE ARE YOU ARE YOU OK. She's at WORK you fucking MORON. I SWEAR TO GOD. Ana rings Christian so he won't file a missing persons report (Ha! As if he'd actually go to the cops!) and at the end of their conversation they do that "you hang YOU hang up" thing that everyone stopped doing once they got past the age of fourteen.

Ana then goes to Starbucks for her lunch, (which is a latte - altogether now... YOU MUST EAT ANA) and thinks about what a "good man" Christian is (HA!) and how he's "entitled to unconditional love" (the fuck he is), before she starts to wonder which clothes of hers Christian gave Leila to wear.

"I hope it wasn't the plum dress. I like that."


Suddenly Ana realises that her lunch hour has run over, so she rushes back to the office and when Jack is all snarly with her, she thinks about what a bastard he is. Worst. Employee. Ever. Then she gets a call from Mia, telling her that it's Christian's birthday that weekend and there's going to be a party at his parents' house. Then there's another round of MOTHERFUCKING EMAILS where Ana asks what he wants for his birthday and it immediately devolves into lame sex innuendo, coupled with Christian telling her to stop emailing him with her work address and to use her Blackberry. Even though he replies to that address every time. JUST FUCKING TEXT EACH OTHER YOU ASSHOLES.

Jack is leaving for New York that night and it's just him and Ana in the office that evening. Christian is collecting her at 6.30, but when Ana goes into the kitchen because she's suddenly realised she hasn't eaten all day (give me a fucking break), Jack follows her in, closes the door and decides to get creepy as all get-out.

"Now...are you going to be a good girl and listen very carefully to what I have to say?"

RUH ROH. How will the intrepid Ana get out of this one, seeing as she has all the intelligence of a toothbrush? Tune in next week!